My wife is pressing me

[ChiGirl]

UPDATE: She's out and we're setting her up with an outpatient program.  Thanks to everyone for their wishes and prayers.

[alexbb]

Bit of a baptism of fire but sounds like you made it! kept it together and handled it all well. youve gotta feel proud about that. leadership achievement unlocked. its clearly going to be tough, but youre clearly tougher. becoming a woman isnt for the weak it takes BALLS! hehe! this was where it all turned a corner toward somewhere new and good.
later on, a few months or years from now, when your wife is cheerfully doing her own thing, happy to no longer in a failing marriage, and you guys are getting on as friends, and youre well into your transition and loving it, and things are generally going great, kids are overjoyed with their reinvigorated new woman Dad and stuff, and all the things you used to like you still like only with real bright feelings not muted ones, and youre in charge and every day is full of promise and joy, and its summer, it will all be super worth it.

[ChiGirl]

Thank you, Alex.  I really needed to hear that.  I really really hope you're right.  This has made it clear that I have to leave.  She starts outpatient care on Tuesday where she'll be in all day care, but come home at night.  This is going to help her get through and learn to cope.

And we like to call them "ladyballs" or "Thatchers".  Maybe next year we can rename them "Hilaries."

[alexbb]

oh I like that!!!

[alexbb]

how it going ah?

[ChiGirl]

Well... She's in an outpatient day program for therapy.  So that's going to help.  But on Monday, I told her that I didn't know if we have a future together.  I'll always be there for our daughter and I'll always be her friend, but I can't be the husband she wants or needs me to be.  I told her I thought separation would be best.

She's mad and scared.  She's begging me to stay.  I've told her I'm not rushing out the door and we can take time to work on things and give her time to adjust.  At this point, I think she's willing to say or do anything to get me to stay.  She said she won't mind being married to a woman.  I think about staying long term, but then little things happen that make me realize that I can't. 

She keeps telling me I'm only looking back at all the bad things, but I tell her that all those bad things have added up to create the way I feel now.  There's a lot of good stuff, but in the last few years, the good stuff is far and few between.  You can only threaten divorce and question someone's love so many times before that person has had it.  And I've had it.

I know she needs to get some stability in her life, but I'm not the one who's going to create that stability for her.  She needs to do it on her own.  And I don't feel like it's fair to either of us to stay in a loveless relationship just for the sake of... staying?

Thanks for asking.

[ChiGirl]

I feel like I'm backwards of so many married transwomen.  I keep reading how they're trying to save their marriages and here I am, ready to separate from her despite the fact that she is working so hard to be accepting.  It's tough.  I care about her, but I don't love her anymore.  I haven't in a while.  I also feel like her supporting me will actually keep hinder my transition.  She's come a long way in 7 weeks, but I never know when she's going to breakdown again.  Plus, she thinks she's the only one who supports me when my whole family supports me.  She doesn't see it, but I do.  Maybe I'm just being selfish.

[Alana_Jane]

It's perfectly understandable, you want to get on with being who you really are and you feel she's holding you back.  That said, if you can get her to accept a reasonable timeline, maybe not starting HRT in the next month but within the year or even 6 months (say as an example).  I'd say, even if you feel like you don't love her, that you ought to consider it.  In the scheme of things a few months here or there won't make that much of a difference, as the complete process takes about 5 to 10 years.  Just consider you're getting a Phd in Femininity.  The fact is you'll always be linked to her, as least by your daughter but also by the years you two put into your relationship.  I wish you the best, it's a hard road, take some time and think it over.  Even pray about it, if that's who you are.  The more intouch you are with your true self and inner feelings, these choices will become clearer. 
Hugs,

-Alana 

[jeni]

Everyone's story is different. The reason to work to save your marriage is because you want to save it. Whether anyone else wants to save her or his own marriage is irrelevant.

I can't tell you what you should do, but now is a very emotional and difficult time for both of you. I don't believe her behavior was at all reasonable, but people do make irrational decisions when faced with stress. If you can safely put off making a permanent decision about your marriage, maybe that would be an option. Even if you're certain that you're done with the relationship, as Alana points out, there is not a hurry to put it permanently in the past.

But it's hard. There is no comfortable path here. In contrast to the above, sometimes it's better to pull off  the band-aid and get it over with.

[ChiGirl]

Thank you, Alana & Jeni.  Wise words.  I'm definitely not rushing to end it.  We're working on things and this summer will be the big decision time for the marriage.  The two biggest issues are stability and support.  She goes back and forth with her attitude, it's hard to get a handle.  Like this morning, I did her a huge favor and she was so grateful, but less than an hour later, she's ripping into me for something that happened a week ago. 

The issue of support comes to not only her believing she's the only real support I have, but that she gets jealous of other people supporting if she doesn't agree with them 100%.  Truthfully, it's the same problems that have plagued our marriage for years.  And she doesn't or won't see it.

Thanks for listening to me complain. [emoji13]  And thank you for the thoughts. 

[megan7777]

chigirl

thx for the time line, and many updates. reading this sounds like my situation, or could be my situation when i finally declare finally to her I'm mtf.  I'm trying to come out, wife pushing me back in closet sort of thing.

as a question through all of this, is there anything you would do differently with your wife in coming out? any advice on how i might smooth out my coming out to my fiery red head of a wife?

did you have to deal with laments of 'you ruined my life' and 'I have no where to go' type anger? ( which btw is not true at all, and i would support het fully if she choose to leave me)

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Megan,
A fiery redhead?  Ooh, good luck!

Seriously, I think I would have a coming out letter written, even if I decided not to use it.  At least she could read it later on.  I would have had some information on gender dysphoria she good read when she was ready.  I was going to do all that, but it kinda got pushed out sooner.  If you have kids, I would hold off on telling them right away, but not too long.  If your wife is supportive, both of you showing a united front will help.  Most importantly, be honest.  As honest as you can be without totally freaking her out.  But don't tell her something you think she wants to her.  Consider her feelings, but be honest!  Trust will be an issue.   From then on any lie she catches you, no matter how small, will be a big deal.

I definitely had the "ruined my life" type comments and anger.  About 8 hours after I told her, she went into an anger that last 5 days.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  She ended up in the hospital because she couldn't take it.

But it ended up being a good thing.  She got therapy and we started marital therapy.  She's become very supportive.  In fact, I dressed in front of her tonight and we had a very good night.

Things aren't perfect.  She still doesn't want me to start hair removal or HRT.  There's still a lot of work ahead. 

It's not easy, but I can say my coming out lifted a weight from shoulders and it was the best thing I did. 

Good luck and hugs. Remember you are not alone.  Let me/us know how it goes and feel free to ask more questions.

[jeni]

I definitely had the "ruined my life" type comments and anger.  About 8 hours after I told her, she went into an anger that last 5 days.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  She ended up in the hospital because she couldn't take it.

But it ended up being a good thing.  She got therapy and we started marital therapy.  She's become very supportive.  In fact, I dressed in front of her tonight and we had a very good night.

Things aren't perfect.  She still doesn't want me to start hair removal or HRT.  There's still a lot of work ahead. 

That is really fantastic news, I was just wondering how you were doing. I am really in awe of your strength and perseverance.

[ChiGirl]

Thanks, Jeni.  It's been interesting to say the least.  [emoji6]   I think my will to push through has been as much for my daughter as anything else.  And it has helped us.  I think no matter what happens to our marriage, I think we'll be able to stay friends. 

Thanks so much for your thoughts and concerns.  I hope all is going well with you.

[Melanie CT]

Megan when I spoke to my wife I started the discussion talking to her about my depression and how my dysphoria was causing it. I spoke with a transsexual male pastor who has been giving me advice over the last few years and he told me that was a gear way to start the conversation by letting her know of the pain I have been in.  I didn't realize it at the time but that's how I started things. Just a thought in case it helps. Melanie.

[megan7777]

These shares help, appreciate all your thoughts, ChiGirl, glad things are getting better by the day, this is a great chronicle.

[ChiGirl]

Well, keeping up with this, things feel like they're falling back to where they were back in January.  My wife is still accepting, but all the issues we had prior to coming out are rearing their ugly head.  There's plenty of blame to go around, but she once again feels like I'm not there for her or our daughter.  Despite spending Easter with her family and missing work on Monday morning to go to an MRI with her, it's always a "What have you done for me lately" attitude.  Today, she says as soon as our daughter recovers from her shoulder surgery, they are both out of here.  I think separation may be for the best, but it won't happen.  She's done this so many times, and I feel like it's just to force me to do what she wants.

We had an incident with my therapist yesterday.  She demanded to go with.  I said no, it's my therapist, but she wouldn't let it go.  We got there and she started by going off and had 3 lies in the first minute.  I said I can't do this and started to walk out.  My therapist stopped me and my wife ended up leaving.  My therapist told me he was proud of me for standing up to her.  Now my wife says is my therapist won't help both of us, I have to choose between him and her.  And this is not the first time she's done this with my therapist.

I know I'm not always the best, but since I came out, I've been so much happier.  Except in my marriage.  I don't know what do anymore.  I don't feel the marriage counseling is helping.  I don't think her therapy is making her any more aware of what she's doing.  And I'm just getting angrier.  I'm scared.  Transition is going to be hard enough without being confused about the person who claims to be not only my biggest supporter, but my only true support. 

[megan7777]

hi ChiGirl,

I'm starting to think there is no easy road here, for those that have long term partners/spouses they have come out to. I'm in a similar boat with my wife, I'm hoping something will click and I will get the support I need. but so far its not happened. I wish you best of luck and hopes are with you. Hugs.

[ChiGirl]

Thanks, Megan.  Yeah, no easy road here.  I feel weird that while so many girls here have (or had)  SOs who were not supportive, I'm lucky to have one that trying hard to be supportive.  YET, I'm the one who's ready to leave the marriage.  She is just an insufferable person to be around.  She always plays the victim and finds a way to blame other people.  There are too many issues that have gone on too long that she won't see as problems. 

I wish you good luck with your wife.  Hugs!

[JoanneB]

This is road you white knuckle your way through, never knowing in the dark and pouring rain where the next twist, turn, or pot hole lays. It takes time, time for things to sink in for both of you. Time to heal wounds ripped open in the heat of anguish and heartache. You feel your way through through the darkness, Your mutual love hopefully keeps you careening off into the weeds of hate and dispare.

We try our best. Keep the lines of communication open. The imagination can conjure up things far worse then a potential reality in most cases