Reasons Why I'm Worried

[JynxRosalie]

Hello everyone~

I figured I would put a post in here detailing my biggest causes to doubt/fear the idea of accepting that I am transgender. For anyone reading this that hasn't read my intro, I'm 22 and was born male. I have Asperger's Disorder, and until I can financially support myself on my own (aka until my family isn't always around) I cannot see a gender therapist or do anything to outwardly express my feminine desires.

I suppose one of the biggest reasons I'm scared is my family. Family is always there. Even when I live on my own, I'm going to have to see them every so often. The idea of being around my mom and brother after having SRS and being on hormones scares me to no end. It scares me to the point that I don't want to even think about it.

Another doubt I have is looks. If I do manage to have an SRS (financially obtaining an SRS is also a mental block) I'm scared that I will not like how I look. I'm scared I won't ever be able to feel cute, or that every time I look in the mirror I'll see the man I want to leave behind. I can sometimes curb these feelings by pulling my hair straight over my face and imagining myself as a woman when I look in the mirror, but that only makes me feel good for a short period of time. I also know my weight is a big issue but I've been watching my diet pretty closely for 2 weeks, I'm intent to lose his excess fat within a year (which is when I hope to be able to start therapy).

I'm also doubtful of myself and question if this is a phase because, until recently, I've never really felt the desire this strong. Sure, growing up as a kid, I questioned why I couldn't have been born a girl....a lot. And a lot of times, when laying in my bed, I'd even go over why the cons of being a girl (periods, societal standing, etc.) wouldn't really phase me, because I'd be able to act like myself. But I get filled with doubt because that intense desire wasn't there my whole life. When I read and watch stories of how other people came to know themselves, their signs all seem so much stronger than mine. And they feel it that intensely for much longer than I have. I've been posing as a girl in my MMO's for three years now, but only in the last year have I wished so strongly to be a girl. I've even started having dreams about it.

My only other big fear is that my Asperger's is acting up and I'm just stuck on a new obsession, and that one day it'll pass. I hate feeling all this doubt, and currently venting all this out on message boards and to my girlfriend (online of course...) is the only way to calm these thoughts enough for me to stop feeling stressed and upset. I haven't hit the level of upsetness where I cry about it... but the more I think about it the closer I get.

Anyways thank you for reading all that. Any advice on how to deal with any of this (obviously without professional help because that just isn't an option right now) would be greatly appreciated.

-Jynx

[Jessica Merriman]

All I can say is you have the very same fears and worries we all have. Transition is not an easy journey, but has the ability to give you more than it takes. If you are more worried about passing than relieving your symptoms I would think you have other options than transition. All of the fears, problems and other things on your life will stay the same after SRS, but being comfortable in your own skin you will be able to handle them much better. I would say continue to get into shape and make your own way in the world and then find a therapist to research what you want and need to do. Try not to let your feeling overpower you until you can get therapy assistance. Unplug and go for walks or some other distractions. Having gender Dysphoria can take over your life and treatment is available just don't torture yourself until you have access to therapy.

[mrs izzy]

Great advice from Jessica.

No need for me yo add anything.

Spot on

[JynxRosalie]

Well, I am worried about passing, yes, because I want to feel cute... >.< It doesn't make sense Im sure. However, looking cute is only one part of it, I more want to be able to act the way I feel, see my self the way I feel, and generally be accepted as what I feel I am, which is female. I don't get guys....at all. I never have. I've always prefered being around women than men, and I agree with them far more than men. Masculine culture is just....a foreign thing to me and I don't want any part of it...

Plus, when I present myself on the internet as a girl, and am treated as such, I feel....normal for once. I feel like that's me, and that's what makes sense.

[Cin]

I cannot see a gender therapist or do anything to outwardly express my feminine desires.

Same here.

I suppose one of the biggest reasons I'm scared is my family. Family is always there. Even when I live on my own, I'm going to have to see them every so often. The idea of being around my mom and brother after having SRS and being on hormones scares me to no end. It scares me to the point that I don't want to even think about it.

Same here as well, I have the same fears.

I'm also doubtful of myself and question if this is a phase because, until recently, I've never really felt the desire this strong. Sure, growing up as a kid, I questioned why I couldn't have been born a girl....a lot. And a lot of times, when laying in my bed, I'd even go over why the cons of being a girl (periods, societal standing, etc.) wouldn't really phase me, because I'd be able to act like myself. But I get filled with doubt because that intense desire wasn't there my whole life. When I read and watch stories of how other people came to know themselves, their signs all seem so much stronger than mine. And they feel it that intensely for much longer than I have. I've been posing as a girl in my MMO's for three years now, but only in the last year have I wished so strongly to be a girl. I've even started having dreams about it.

Well, A lot of transgender people say gender dysphoria gets worse with age. Same with me, I don't remember being this 'dysphoric' back when I was 17 or 12, but the signs were there back then. It's normal to doubt yourself, and perhaps you need a little more time to figure out if you're trans or not, or maybe you're sure already. The 'signs' as you say vary from person to person, some feel it more intensely than others.

My only other big fear is that my Asperger's is acting up and I'm just stuck on a new obsession, and that one day it'll pass. I hate feeling all this doubt, and currently venting all this out on message boards and to my girlfriend (online of course...) is the only way to calm these thoughts enough for me to stop feeling stressed and upset. I haven't hit the level of upsetness where I cry about it... but the more I think about it the closer I get.

Anyways thank you for reading all that. Any advice on how to deal with any of this (obviously without professional help because that just isn't an option right now) would be greatly appreciated.

-Jynx

Right now, I can't afford professional help either, all I do (until I can financially support myself) is be more true to myself online, vent here now and then, learn more about myself and my triggers (why they trigger me, and how I can cope with them or avoid them), and work towards becoming financially independent as soon as possible.