Learning What It Means to Stand on the Edge of A Dark Hole

[Sheila Grace]

At a leisurely supper tonight, my wife and best friend of 35 years came undone. All the anger and rage that has been building for at least a year came out. All of the adjectives that you know were used: "creepy, crazy, bizarre, irresponsible" were just a few. I know you know. She finally said, "If you are a woman, we need to get a divorce and you go live your crazy life somewhere without me or your girls." I have been in slow transition for nearly a year, and tried to educate and to not push too hard. I thought she was at least understanding of the process and what I feel I am, but evidently not. I am 64, been married for 33 years, and am between a rock and a hard place. I know who I am and what I am, but I don't know if I have the energy and courage to do what needs to be done. I start HRT in 2 weeks, have and idea of where I want FFS, and ultimately have believed that SRS was to follow. That seemed like it was so far down the road. But, here I am at a decision point. Give up transitioning or lose what I have. I know many others have been at this exact spot and feel the loneliness, numbness, and terror that it offers. I just feel so tired. But, someplace deep in, there is a calm that I cannot explain. I like me and who I am and will not hurt myself..not an option here. So, just wanted to say to others that are alone as a result of this calling that I know what the depths are like. It hurts, really hurts. Blessings to all my sisters.

[Jade_404]

I just want to send you a hug. I am not married and have no kids so I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for you right now. So sorry your loved one can not understand.

HUGS!!!!!

-Jade

[Eva Marie]

I'm sorry Sheila - I've been in your shoes before (I was married 27 years).

Ultimately, I was faced with a tough decision - and I chose life; I chose to be the authentic me.

That choice came with consequences. I am divorced, not by my choice.

You know, it's good to be alive and to be the authentic me. I simply could not keep living the lie and drinking myself to death.

I'm sorry that your wife exploded on you - its tough.

I wish for the best for you as you navigate these rough waters.

[Rachel]

Hugs Sheila,

I am sorry this happened to you.

I know if I was not on HRT I would not be here.

What ever you decide, we are here to support you.

[Sheila Grace]

I'm sorry Sheila - I've been in your shoes before (I was married 27 years).

Ultimately, I was faced with a tough decision - and I chose life; I chose to be the authentic me.

That choice came with consequences. I am divorced, not by my choice.

You know, it's good to be alive and to be the authentic me. I simply could not keep living the lie and drinking myself to death.

I'm sorry that your wife exploded on you - its tough.

Eva Marie- Thank you so much for those words. I hear what it means to be on the "otherside" of this decision and that gives me hope. That is all that you can ask for from others. I will keep you posted as this evolves. Hugs and blessings, Sheila

[Cynobyte]

You need to tell her you gave her 35 years and your kids.  When is it going to be your turn?    She's confused and hurt, and it's a toss of the coin how the outcome will be, but be true to yourself.  You could be gone tomorrow,  don't you wanna enjoy these last moments true to your heart; )  good luck!

[ChiGirl]

Good luck and hugs, Sheila.  I've only been with wife for 15 years, but we're in the same boat right.  I'm here with you.  Know that natter what, you have kindred spirits out there.  You are not alone.

[Sheila Grace]

You need to tell her you gave her 35 years and your kids.  When is it going to be your turn?    She's confused and hurt, and it's a toss of the coin how the outcome will be, but be true to yourself.  You could be gone tomorrow,  don't you wanna enjoy these last moments true to your heart; )  good luck!

I hear what you are saying and completely agree. The problem that I face now is I am at the spot that I just spent a long time THINKING about. It's here and I just hurt. But, what you say is what I believe. Thanks and hugs, Sheila

[Sheila Grace]

Good luck and hugs, Sheila.  I've only been with wife for 15 years, but we're in the same boat right.  I'm here with you.  Know that natter what, you have kindred spirits out there.  You are not alone.

Thanks so much. It is really comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I KNOW that, but seeing it in these responses is really good for my soul. Hugs.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Sheila! It has taken me a while to reply to this one as I myself lived through it. I was only married for 16 years though. I lost a marriage, 16 year old daughter, well, all the things we lose in our journey. My mother and 15 year old son did stay with me and have been supportive so you never quite know about children and family who will stay with you. With all of this happening I came to a conclusion. NOTHING last's forever, nothing. Those who chose to leave did so of their own free will which we have to let them do or be hypocrites ourselves. We cannot demand that people bow to our needs anymore than us to them. They chose to leave and go their own ways in life just as we are, so hold not guilt or shame for what you have to do for your health and happiness. I know your pain and the fact no words will help as only time will. We have both along with most here found our true purpose for life and that is worth more than any tangible asset on this Earth. You will heal some day and your life will be happy and free from this point on. It hurts to let go of loved ones and the familiar, but we are so strong in heart and soul that some day we will heal completely. Hang in there girl as you have an incredible community with you on the voyage.

[Sheila Grace]

Hi Sheila! It has taken me a while to reply to this one as I myself lived through it. I was only married for 16 years though. I lost a marriage, 16 year old daughter, well, all the things we lose in our journey. My mother and 15 year old son did stay with me and have been supportive so you never quite know about children and family who will stay with you. With all of this happening I came to a conclusion. NOTHING last's forever, nothing. Those who chose to leave did so of their own free will which we have to let them do or be hypocrites ourselves. We cannot demand that people bow to our needs anymore than us to them. They chose to leave and go their own ways in life just as we are, so hold not guilt or shame for what you have to do for your health and happiness. I know your pain and the fact no words will help as only time will. We have both along with most here found our true purpose for life and that is worth more than any tangible asset on this Earth. You will heal some day and your life will be happy and free from this point on. It hurts to let go of loved ones and the familiar, but we are so strong in heart and soul that some day we will heal completely. Hang in there girl as you have an incredible community with you on the voyage.

Jessica- I sit here with tears at your reply. You have painted a picture of the journey and I am saddened for all the loss that this brings. Your reminders about shedding baggage and about expectations are well received. But, knowing that people of heart, like you, come through this with courage and willingness to help the pain of others. This is remarkable and I hope I have the same qualities that you have "on the other side". Bless you. Sheila

[Jessica Merriman]

I hope I have the same qualities that you have "on the other side". Bless you. Sheila

You have them Sheila, they are just buried in what seems to be an insurmountable task, but you have more heart and soul than you can possibly realize right now. There will be very bad days as my epic meltdowns of the past here can prove, but one day you will go from covered in mud to being cleaned by the coolest, purest spring water and the rest of your life will be wonderful and fulfilling. When the bad days hit you always have someone here to vent to. We girls are special and NOTHING can kill our spirit to succeed. Be strong my sister and when you can't we will carry you!

[Sheila Grace]

You have them Sheila, they are just buried in what seems to be an insurmountable task, but you have more heart and soul than you can possibly realize right now. There will be very bad days as my epic meltdowns of the past here can prove, but one day you will go from covered in mud to being cleaned by the coolest, purest spring water and the rest of your life will be wonderful and fulfilling. When the bad days hit you always have someone here to vent to. We girls are special and NOTHING can kill our spirit to succeed. Be strong my sister and when you can't we will carry you!

That is a beautiful epitaph. It warms my soul on a cold day. Sheila

[JoanneB]

A major league hug to you Sheila.

My wife and I have been together for well over 30 years, no kids. Dropping the T-Bomb came as a complete surprise to her. After all, I was "just a cross-dresser", or so I hoped and strived for. That much and more she knew from day 1.

Over the course of these past 6 years I've had quite a few of these "WTF am I doing???" meltdowns, often brought on by the negative impact on my wife and our dreams. Yet one guiding principle that got me wondering down this road kept me on it

"I know what Does Not work"

Over a span of 30-40 years I lost my humanity. I slowly stopped allowing myself to be a person, kept myself overwhelmed with diversions and distractions in order to deaden the noise, which also deadened my soul. In just a few short months between my TG support group, self help books and introspection my life began turning around. I has slowly healing as I struggled with new ways to manage my dysphoria.

Starting HRT is a whole new level of "This is for REAL" your wife is struggling with. It is not easy seeing the image of your man fadding. This factor will always hurt my wife. Though not as often I still get directly or variations of "I did not marry a woman...." Our love for now is keeping us together. If I fully transition I doubt it will be enough. Plus we both place the others happiness above our own.

Perhaps low dose HRT for a period will be a compromise? Or just an AA may bring about the relief you seek?

Which Pain is Worse? - Life and living is always a compromise

[Sheila Grace]

A major league hug to you Sheila.

My wife and I have been together for well over 30 years, no kids. Dropping the T-Bomb came as a complete surprise to her. After all, I was "just a cross-dresser", or so I hoped and strived for. That much and more she knew from day 1.

Over the course of these past 6 years I've had quite a few of these "WTF am I doing???" meltdowns, often brought on by the negative impact on my wife and our dreams. Yet one guiding principle that got me wondering down this road kept me on it

"I know what Does Not work"

Over a span of 30-40 years I lost my humanity. I slowly stopped allowing myself to be a person, kept myself overwhelmed with diversions and distractions in order to deaden the noise, which also deadened my soul. In just a few short months between my TG support group, self help books and introspection my life began turning around. I has slowly healing as I struggled with new ways to manage my dysphoria.

Starting HRT is a whole new level of "This is for REAL" your wife is struggling with. It is not easy seeing the image of your man fadding. This factor will always hurt my wife. Though not as often I still get directly or variations of "I did not marry a woman...." Our love for now is keeping us together. If I fully transition I doubt it will be enough. Plus we both place the others happiness above our own.

Perhaps low dose HRT for a period will be a compromise? Or just an AA may bring about the relief you seek?

Which Pain is Worse? - Life and living is always a compromise

Joanne- Many, many thanks for this. It is a primer in so many ways and reminds me of the road that HAS been taken for many years. Work, alcohol, exercise, you name it and I have used it to keep on the straight and narrow. My wife and I have always, though, had a common ground that once one of us said, "this is not just me, it is a calling", that the other backed off and if not supportive, did not antagonize the other's pursuit. I have invoked that here, but it is just so foreign to her in so many ways, and it hightens her own fear about aging and loss and lack, etc. It is such a potent and radically life altering vortex to be called to and then to have to call loved ones to it, makes it even more complex and difficult. I know you know. I could not create in my mind a more challenging set of issues to put before those who are called/birthed to transgender than what the path is leading to, especially to those of us who bonded early and transitioned late. But, I know one thing: I am responsible only for my own integrity. I have said that for many years, but having to live it is another thing!!!!
     I have shared stopping testosterone with my wife and she has seen the loss of weight and muscle mass, and sensed a less aggressive mate. But, I have not wanted to go into HRT with her yet, as I am worried that she will really freak. I want to be able to say in 4 months, in a matter of fact way, "I feel better than I ever have after taking a little estrogen". I will try to live into this and see where we go. But, so many thanks for your reminders, experience, strength and most of all...hope. Blessings, Sheila Grace

[ImagineKate]

Hugs to you Shiela.

Married "only" 10 years here. I feel some of your pain at least.

[traci_k]

A Big Hug Sheila. I too am older, 59, married with a 16 yo son, and my wife is of the same mindset which has held me back from making any more advances. The thought of losing my son is just too horrible to imagine, yet I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. You have so much strength to even have begun,  I have to commend you for even beginning transition. It is an incredibly hard choice to make, especially as we are in our later years. Know that others of us who are in the same state share your pain and will be here for you no matter what you decide and how you proceed. Have you found a good local support group?

Best wishes on your your journey.

Hugs,

[Sheila Grace]

A Big Hug Sheila. I too am older, 59, married with a 16 yo son, and my wife is of the same mindset which has held me back from making any more advances. The thought of losing my son is just too horrible to imagine, yet I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. You have so much strength to even have begun,  I have to commend you for even beginning transition. It is an incredibly hard choice to make, especially as we are in our later years. Know that others of us who are in the same state share your pain and will be here for you no matter what you decide and how you proceed. Have you found a good local support group?

Best wishes on your your journey.

Hugs,

Thanks, Traci. The age differential sure makes the primary relationship issues more volitile. The question that I get from my wife that really hurts is: "Why didn't you know about this years ago?" It is so hard in the midst of anger, fear, and abandonment issues to try and convey to her that it is something that has evolved over many years to a point that I cannot ignore it. There are only so many ways to say that it is not a choice, it is an imperative. I cannnot not be who I am any longer. I know you know what that means. I have two girls and would do anything for them....except not honor my own integrity. I have a great therapist and understanding friends, but do not have a great support group. I am looking for a place to share these things, and will keep you posted. Blessings, Sheila

[Jessica Merriman]

When people ask me why I did not come out earlier or hide it so long I simply tell them we are programmed by society to KEEP it to ourselves. Finally I hit the level of discomfort where hiding was no longer possible.

[MsVal]

Shelia, you are doing nothing illegal, nothing that would endanger your family, but it is quite troubling to your wife. I certainly hope a reasonable agreement can be reached, but if it cannot, she should be the one vacating the unbearable situation, not you.
Our dialog changed quite a bit after I said that to my wife, and it may have played a small part in her acceptance and support. (Time, therapists, and talk played a much larger role.)

Best wishes
MsVal