Keeping Secrets, how do they impact your life?

[Tessa James]

I listened to a fascinating public radio broadcast the other day about secrets.  Apparently we all have them to one degree or another.  Soap operas and other TV shows couldn't exist without them.  We transgender people have more than a little familiarity with secrets hmm?  I kept my limited crossdressing and transgender feelings a secret most of my life.  As many of us can understand, I even kept it a secret from myself.  Repression is powerful.  Are you good at being a confidant, keeping secrets for others?  Are secrets really harmful?  What would spies do without them?

My self acceptance was followed by a tremendous sense of relief.  I simply wasn't aware how much guarding, fear, denial and effort was going in to watching my mannerisms and any number of indicators of the truth I kept secret.  My wife knew and that was an unfair burden I asked her to bear.  I intend no judgement or moralizing but wonder how you have been or are currently impacted by keeping secrets, yours and others you know???

As always, thank you for sharing

[Dierdre Lenore]

Sadly me secret ended in losing my wife of 20 years, my daughter is also quite impacted and now jaded. I'm moving through these things, but wish it were somehow different. Just part of the evolution I suppose.

[Tessa James]

Sadly me secret ended in losing my wife of 20 years, my daughter is also quite impacted and now jaded. I'm moving through these things, but wish it were somehow different. Just part of the evolution I suppose.

Yes, those are way harsh impacts.  Glad to hear you are still up and moving on.....

[Dierdre Lenore]

Thanx,
It's a process, but I begin my gender therapy Thursday!!!! Soooo excited!!!!!!

[Tessa James]

Thanx,
It's a process, but I begin my gender therapy Thursday!!!! Soooo excited!!!!!!

Congratulations Pansy, that is huge.  Now i get where that smile is coming from.

[Dierdre Lenore]

 

[JackBNimbul]

Oh man, I needed this post so much.  I've kept my "issues" from everyone in my real life since...forever.  And I've been "pretending to be male" online for over a decade.  It was my escape.  I've finally come clean to people online...and it wasn't even just the gender part that hurt people.  I felt like I had to completely create the person I wanted to be.  It was harmful and unhealthy but now I'm starting over and trying to be honest.  Especially with myself.  I'm not a woman trying to pretend to be a man online.  I'm a man who's trying to pretend to be a woman in real life.

Unfortunately I can never "come out" to my family.  Fortunately, no one else really knows I exist.  My live in SO is ok with it...he's always been really understanding.  But other than that, my entire life has been the internet.  Where I can escape the physical.

[ChiGirl]

  I'm not a woman trying to pretend to be a man online.  I'm a man who's trying to pretend to be a woman in real life.

That is just so... I don't know.  Perfect? Correct? Priceless?  You hit the nail on the head there.

And you're right.  This is a needed topic.  You're lucky to have an understanding SO.

I'm the opposite: I'm MTF with a spouse I couldn't tell (until last week) and an understanding immediate family.  I could say keep the secret destroyed my marriage, but there's so much more to it.  The secret did keep me from dealing with stress in a healthy way.  I was angry, I hated myself, I became clinically depressed.  All because after my botched coming out at 19, I repressed everything so hard.

Jack, I hope you find some peace.   I knew no one would accept me before I accepted myself.  Then when I did, I became less scared of non-acceptance.   Not unafraid, mind you, just less.  Being honest has become more important.  Sounds like you have a great SO.

Good luck and hugs.  Remember, you are not alone.

[Ptero]

Great topic !

It's pretty much the same for me. I feel like being dishonest with my friends and family (or girlfriend or boyfriend when I have one). And it really hurts me to think that I'm not sincere with the persons I love.

I don't even know if it's because I'm nearly unable to speak about my feelings (in general) that I could never speak about being agender or if it's because I needed to keep all that stuff hidden that I finally lost the ability to speak about all the rest. You know, as if beginning to speak about any emotion would be a dangerous step that could lead to let my secret escape. As if letting anything drop would cause a major leak of everything because of pressure (don't know if this sentence has a meaning in English... very difficult to translate a metaphor...)

It's good to read that it can be a relief to finally find a way to stop hiding !

[JoanneB]

For those of us "of a certain age" like Marlin Brando's line in On the Waterfront, "I'm D&D". Or Sargent Schultz "I Know Nothing!" Telling me anything, is much like opening a Swiss bank account (used to be). I'll be taking it to my grave.

Which, coincidentally, was/is how things were with my deepest darkest secret and feelings.

Contrast that with my wife who self-describes as "Pathologically Honest". TMI, non-filtered, free associations abound. What a pair we make. Both learning from the other.

My self acceptance was followed by a tremendous sense of relief.  I simply wasn't aware how much guarding, fear, denial ...

AMEN
I am finding being me a far more pleasurable way to go through life. My tolerance level for idiots has greatly increased. My wife says I am "No longer an angry person", not that I ever noticed! I can even stand up for myself now, since I longer feel I am a fraud. I really do deserve to be happy.

Yet secrets do serve a good purposes. I am not in a position right now to let the whole world in on be being trans. If you cannot reason a good answer to the question, "What good would it do if.....", then keep it a secret. Letting it free just may result in a non ideal outcome

[Jill F]

Keeping personal secrets damned near killed me.  It feels so good not to have to do it anymore that I'm probably incapable of doing it forevermore.  I even came clean to my parents about the extent of my substance abuse history, reckless behavior and subsequent hospitalizations.   I think everyone I ever knew probably knows by now that I'm transgender, and I'm glad that I came out the way I did.  I think I've probably removed dozens of heads from arses in the process, and created allies from former transphobes.   

The only secrets I hold are things that people near and dear to me, both living and deceased have told me in confidence.   I don't like that I have to do it, but that's the kind of friend that I am.

[suzifrommd]

I need my friends to know me. They can't if I'm keeping secrets. For that reason I'm very uncomfortable if there's something I can't be open about.

[Rachel]

I hid who I was until I was bursting at the seams.

I have long term depression which at times now I am happy. I abused alcohol, drugs and food. I hid the very basis of who I am from everyone and hurt the one closest to me when the truth came out.

I am balancing being true to myself with keeping those I love.

At times I cry because I do not know what to do.

The longer you keep the secret the worse it gets and when time comes to pay the debt it can be overwhelming.

[Cin]

It's pretty much the same for me. I feel like being dishonest with my friends and family (or girlfriend or boyfriend when I have one). And it really hurts me to think that I'm not sincere with the persons I love.

Me too, I feel like I'm lying to them, but at the same time, I don't think they would still be 'friends' if my secret was out.

[darkblade]

The reason I always told people I got to know that I was gay, whether it was of relevance or not, is because I didn't want to hide/omit something that I consider a part of me. And all this time I'd been repressing whatever trans stuff that I think is still struggling to come to the surface. I'd been getting increasingly irritable, just overall angry all the time, and overly isolated, partly as a result of me thinking that no one is ever going to understand me. My relationship with my parents had also been getting worse, I'd just snap at them whenever they said anything and just argued over everything. Recently, there's just been so much tension building up that we couldn't talk to each other, me fearing I'd say something hurtful without thinking, and my mom in fear I'd say something that would deeply hurt her. And she told me several times about how it hurt her that I'd become this way. That's a big part of why I chose to come out to my parents, there was just too much pain, and now that I knew what was making me act this way I couldn't let them be in the dark and spend their time wondering whether I hate them. Living a lie is so much harder once you know the truth.

[Robyn37]

About a month ago I told my girlfriend. I have never told anyone, but I really love her a lot and didn't want to keep it a secret from her (inevitably she would find out and that would be much worse). It turned out to be quite the blessing, she is totally supportive! The last few weeks were difficult, but I think we both understand each other much better for it. She knows I may decide to transition at some point, and I have told her I would wait until we had children before I started HRT as that is very important to her. It went so well I am even considering slowly letting some family know.

[Cindy]

Mmm nice topic. Yes keeping my nasty little secret was terrible but once I came out no issues anymore. I'm pretty much an open book.

The downside? I have had almost complete strangers come to me for advice about their sexuality and what they should do, even to a point of company reps asking me what to do as they are Gay and have never told anyone, including their wife and colleagues.

Their secrets are safe. But there is an urge at time to shout out, 'Hey you know that guy who keeps perving on our boobs, well he is 'trans* and jealous'. But of course I never would.

I feel so sad for them having to live their lie, when they know I have been so well accepted.

[Sheila Grace]

Good topic for me. I was having this discussion with someone I know this week. They are not transgender, but know I am. Essentially, when I went to treatment for drugs and alcohol many years ago, a wise nurse told me early on that there was only one thing that I had to do to get and stay sober: tell all my secrets. Through my months there she reminded me of this, and I believed her. Since that time, I have not let secrets gather inertia. If something continues to attract my attention that only I know, and it feels like a secret, then it is. I have 3 people in the world who know all of my secrets; each one of them knows some that the others don't, but I have a trusted place to share anything that has that energetic to it. I think that it is like the ancient ritual of "confession", and in fact, is incorporated into the 12 Step AA program as the 5th step (directive to sharing everything with another person). My own feeling is that secrets stimulate certain tracts in the brain (usually dopamine related for those scientific) that can build large complexes that are harmful in a psychic and ultimately physical sense. Somehow, sharing those pieces of ourselves with someone else dissipates the energy around them. Someone once said, "you bring those dark things to the light". Anyway, that's my take on it. It has served me well and given me 22 years of sobriety this week. I am so grateful for that woman who told me about "secrets" so many years ago, and for the opportunity to share that here. Hugs and blessings, Sheila Grace

[Vicky Mitchell]

Yeah I always say secrets are safe with me. But then I have never been one to gossip or talk about others.   That being said I am full of secret that people have told me that I have.never told anyone else and I don't plan on it. I like to know people trust me.   So I still find it hard and funny in a way that I could not keep me being trans a secret.  I carried it around with me for 39 years and planed on dining with it. But not that I have come out I kick myself in the butt every day for not doing it sooner.   Yes coming out was a good thing I believe but it was hard but so is hiding it.  So is pretending to be someone who you know and feel you are not.  It is funny we keep the Secerts from those that we love for we don't want to hurt them but then I wonder if they really love us in return would they not still accept us if we told them our Secerts.  If they don't still love us then maybe be they did not love us but really loved who we were pretending to be.   

More I think  about this more I want to tell people to come out sooner then later so you can get started living your life and enjoy it to the fullest that you deserve. And people can get to enjoy and know the real you.


Vicky

[Cindy Stephens]

I have found that my life is very compartmentalized.  I am totally open with my wife of 30 years.  She loves buying me clothes and jewelry.  At work, totally closeted.  I am skilled and in demand enough that they have overlooked breast growth and facial hair removal.  Is it secret though?  I prefer the term "discreet."  My wife and I have always had an agreement that should we be asked directly; respond truthfully.  Should we receive a packet of photos with a demand for money; we would pull out any good shots and offer cash for some 8X10's of those.  Having secrets denotes fear or self loathing, while discretion is merely throwing a bone to the realities of life.  "Discretion is the better part of Valor," Shakespeare Henry IV.  I prefer to think that we have done what was necessary to carve out a life during the times in which we lived.  It is different now-but not as much as we would hope.  The winds of change seem to be blowing much stronger in the right direction though.