Keeping Secrets, how do they impact your life?

[Jessica Jaclyn Reimer]

Without self denial, and repression, I really wonder where I, or any of us would be. For the most part I believe we do it to protect ourselves, and in therapy I even call my male persona my 'protector'. He was like a shield, or firewall, and a filter, and camouflage. It seems to me that the path of repression for transgender is getting more and more infrequent as society slowly (very slowly) adapts to us. Trans issues are more prevalent now than they've ever been, and I think that's making it easier for some to never have to go in the closet.

For me, around age 8 was when I consciously started to crossdress. The same point when I started to build my outward male persona, and internalize everything. This was also when I went from being fairly extroverted to being incredibly introverted. I did not deal with things well. I wouldn't really process them, I'd just pile them on top of Jessica and hoped they'd never resurface. I kept telling myself this was just something I was doing not something I was. It was still bad enough that it was something I was doing, but 'being' wrong was WAY scarier.

I had zero girlfriends through highschool, and until age 26. I'd say that's a fairly damaging result from keeping a secret. I was a virgin until I was 29. And apparently I'm actually attractive physically as a male.

My wife knew before we went on our first date that I was a crossdresser with a big feminine side. That was over 10 years ago. I had come out to a few friends, and had also decided I could not do a relationship again without her having prior knowledge. Small steps. Over the last 10 years I had come to realize that the dressing was more than just something I was doing. I started to identify as bi-gendered. Still safer than 'being a woman' but getting closer to the truth.

I developed a need to come out to everyone, the secret had just built up too much. All my relationships were suffering and I was truly not happy. Once I outed myself, it was as you say, a huge relief. Like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders. I felt so absolutely liberated. The emotional effort of keeping all of me inside was immense, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. All my internal barriers and protections fell rapidly after that, and was only a short trip to realize who I am.

Thanks for asking and sharing Tessa,

Hugs,
Jess

[FriendsCallMeChris]

How timely! I thought I would be totally out and free by now.  My timeline is not  cooperating. And the secrets (and worry about self-sabotage to make them go away) is keeping me jumpy and not sleeping well while, intermittently, I'm feeling better than I've ever felt in my life.  Low dose is making subtle changes.  I'm really sad that I can't celebrate those changes the way I want to but have to hope that no one notices instead.

Chris

[Melanie CT]

I'm keeping a secret and it is or will kill me. I suffer from depression anger and abuse alcohol at times. I know I have to get it out but it's so hard. I've held this secret for over 50 years. My therapist tells me I need to talk to my wife and I know she's right. I have to get past this

[Tessa James]

What a great community this is!  I am so moved by these heartfelt responses.  My early therapist and my spouse helped me to understand the toxicity and feel the weight of what I was doing by keeping and asking my partner to keep that big dark secret.  My initial goal for therapy was just to learn to cope better.  What I finally figured out was that it was the secret keeping that let my fears grow in isolation and kept me from being real.  As my dear Julie Blair notes I can be my worst enemy.  My reality in transition is 180 degrees from what i had imagined.  My true friends are still here and I still have to pay bills to keep the lights on.  I felt so light and bright and euphoric the fist months in transition that i was becoming overconfident and bullet proof.  After the secret is out we still have to make the rest of our lives work and, as many note, that may mean dealing with our less effective coping such as alcohol and drug abuse.

I completely understand any individuals need for the discretion our Cindy Stephens wisely comments on.  Some fears about safety and loss are too obviously valid.   Our unique balancing acts will continue.  I also understand the value of dependable folks, like Jill F, that friends can trust.

Thanks all

[ChiGirl]

Melanie, you can do this.  You'll find the secret ends being worse than the truth.  I told my wife after hiding it our entire marriage.  She had no clue other knowing something else was wrong.  She didn't scream, run away, or laugh at me.  I so wish I could have told her 17 years ago.  I can't say how your wife will react.  Mine is "okay with the gender thing" as she puts it, but doesn't know if she can get over me lying.  I do know the truth is liberating.  THE TRUTH SHALL SEE YOU FREE!

Okay, over the top, but you can do it.  If a big wimp like me can do it, you can do.  Prepare yourself, pick a reasonable time (no time will be perfect) and just be honest.  With her and yourself.

Good luck and hugs.  Remember, you are not alone.

[Melanie CT]

Chi thank you so much for the support. I'm getting closer and have to find the right time to talk with my wife. This will kill me if I don't. Thank you

[Ptero]

I'd been getting increasingly irritable, just overall angry all the time, and overly isolated, partly as a result of me thinking that no one is ever going to understand me.

Being angry all the time is also a side effect of secret keeping for me. Is it common for you all ?

Sometimes I wonder, like Cin, if my friends would still be friends if they know. But in fact I'm not sure if that is the real risk for me. I fear more that they stay friends but start to act differently with me or I would lose their trust because they would feel betrayed because I lied for so long...
And most of the time, I just can't imagine what risk I would take saying who I truly am. Those who keep secrets, can you clearly identify what are the risks of telling them ?

[Robyn37]

I have a great relationship with my family and friends. I don't tell them because I fear losing those relationships. After telling my girlfriend, we have become even more open and loving of one another. Why wouldn't that be the same with the rest of my friends and family? That fear still lingers though...

[Tessa James]

Being angry all the time is also a side effect of secret keeping for me. Is it common for you all ?

Sometimes I wonder, like Cin, if my friends would still be friends if they know. But in fact I'm not sure if that is the real risk for me. I fear more that they stay friends but start to act differently with me or I would lose their trust because they would feel betrayed because I lied for so long...
And most of the time, I just can't imagine what risk I would take saying who I truly am. Those who keep secrets, can you clearly identify what are the risks of telling them ?

My experience is that my best friends remained true friends.  Yes, some did take issues with why I had not 'trusted them' sooner and it was difficult to explain the lifelong shame, doubt and repression that found me keeping the secret from myself as well.  Other friends wanted to be the 'first to know' and demonstrate their support publicly.  Wouldn't it seem fair if we are acting and presenting differently for our friends to respond differently?  I am a different person than i was two years ago, and it is more than my appearance.  The risks among friends varies with how close they are maybe?  Friends that I see once a year have little impact while my closer, every day folks needed lots of interaction to find our new normal.  Our adjustments are an adjustment for them too.  Some friends straight up tell me they see me happier and like me better.  Others miss their old 'buddy' but are ready to move on as friends but felt awkward and did not want to mess up the name and pronouns kinda stuff. 

I suppose the big one is that people can and will reject us.  Of course that hurts.  I feel that speaks more to their character than our ability to be real and good friends.  Being gregarious or introverted we still have opportunities to make new friends all the time.  All part of the dance and i hope the music will move you to get up and......

[Ptero]

I suppose the big one is that people can and will reject us.

The "will" was tough to read.

But I hope as you said that my best friends will remain true friends 
I suppose I need a bit of faith.

[CaptFido87]

I absolutely agree with all of you.

I'm still in my early stages of this, and the secrets are slowly starting to take control of me. I just want to shout it out to everyone that I am a woman, but the words they don't come. To my one friend that I came out to, I tried to explain everything on my mind. I was only able to get out about half of it and the first half I half mumbled through it. Living with secret is so killer. It's like the world is against you for no reason and you want to explain but there's nothing coming out of your mouth. Sometimes the secrets just don't want to come out in fear that people will turn them against you like blackmail.

In the past I've been told secrets from friends and for the most part I kept them secure. A few I just couldn't resist the gossip. I do though listen to people's secrets and keep them to myself as a way to better try and understand them. Knowing that my most secretive thoughts are on transitioning, I can understand where people come from when they feel the need to tell me theirs. Got to keep both safe until the right time comes, and sometimes it never comes.

At least I know my secret is safe with all of you, as it's your secret too.

[Tessa James]

I absolutely agree with all of you.

I'm still in my early stages of this, and the secrets are slowly starting to take control of me. I just want to shout it out to everyone that I am a woman, but the words they don't come. To my one friend that I came out to, I tried to explain everything on my mind. I was only able to get out about half of it and the first half I half mumbled through it. Living with secret is so killer. It's like the world is against you for no reason and you want to explain but there's nothing coming out of your mouth. Sometimes the secrets just don't want to come out in fear that people will turn them against you like blackmail.

In the past I've been told secrets from friends and for the most part I kept them secure. A few I just couldn't resist the gossip. I do though listen to people's secrets and keep them to myself as a way to better try and understand them. Knowing that my most secretive thoughts are on transitioning, I can understand where people come from when they feel the need to tell me theirs. Got to keep both safe until the right time comes, and sometimes it never comes.

At least I know my secret is safe with all of you, as it's your secret too.

I really do want your safety and security to be solid but many of us are totally out.  I am free of that dark secret now.  That does not make me any better, just recognizing we are at different places in our journey.  I too wanted to "shout it out" and consented to a front page article in our daily newspaper.  I wanted to control the narrative as much as possible.  I found myself crying and not so articulate when I first shared the news.  I found that some people will share our news as gossip, just human nature.  One of the best experiences I had was finding that people recognized my vulnerability and felt comfortable sharing some secrets of their own.  I actually feel much closer to friends and family now.  Good luck finding that right time , it took me forever:D

[AndrewG]

Now that I'm starting to talk about being trans more I feel like keeping the secret other places is getting more and more exhausting. Kind of feel a bit like you Marty - I just want to yell it out so everyone knows at times, but I know there's people that I need to tell individually first. I can't wait until I can finally live openly all the time - and I'm starting to think it might not be that far off. I'm conscious of not setting myself any targets of when I want to be totally out by, but I'd be surprised if I was still forcing myself to pretend by this time next year.

I totally get what your saying about friends wondering why you hadn't trusted them earlier Tessa. When I first started coming out as bi a couple of years ago that was something I was terrified of. I think I'd always known about that, and by the time I'd started to say it had been about ten years since my first time with a woman, so I felt really guilty. I was sure they'd think I was lying to them. Luckily they didn't, and I'm really hoping that it'll be the same with this. The main difference here is that if I've hidden it from them, I've also been doing a brilliant job of hiding it from myself! It's only now, at 27, that I'm completely sure this is who I am. And it just feels so good to finally have that confidence.

At the moment even just having a conversation is difficult. I've got to constantly remind myself that I'm still female to them and there's times where I've found myself giving my name as Andrew, rather than the one everyone still knows me by. I managed to use the last time, when I did it as work, as a way of coming out to someone - so it was actually quite helpful! Wouldn't have been so great in other circumstances, with different people. It's just so tiring having to think before you give an answer. I can't be myself with most people, and I fell so guilty because of that.

With everything going on, and constantly battling with myself to decide what I can say to who, I find it virtually impossible to turn off at night. I've never slept well but I'm finding my sleeping patterns are getting worse and worse. I'm working hard to break the cycle now, but it's often led to me having a couple of energy drinks throughout the day. I've put on a bit of weight in the last couple of years - mostly because of what I'm drinking and eating to keep me going. It's also because I don't exercise as much as I used to. Exercising means moving around and that leads to me being even more aware of bits of my body that shouldn't be there.

Now I realise that's what the problem is, I'm hoping I can work my way through it. I'm on anti-depressants, which have helped take the edge off enough to stop me having panic attacks every time I've to say my name or see my body, but I know starting to transition and live openly will be the only thing that really helps me.