dear dad,
i don't know how many hints i can drop, how many times i can avoid referring to myself as "she" and your daughter, how many late nights i spend full of dysphoria and self-hatred before you finally realize something's going on.
talking about bruce jenner's likely transition, the one thing you said that stuck out was "i used to idolize that man". why? why does it matter if she has actually never been a "he"? is it a coincidence, that you were just casually bringing up your past nerdy love for bruce, or is it what i'm thinking and you're just being transphobic as hell? come on. mom still may be using "he" pronouns without hesitation, but at least she's said that whatever bruce has to do to be happy is good/worth it. she tries to be accepting and understanding of the trans community, even if she doesn't know i'm a part of it. you're acting like transitioning is some dirty, disgusting thing - and i can't help but feel like you would never truly accept me as the guy i'm meant to be, because you don't want your perfect little daughter growing up to be anything other than what you had planned out for her.
it hurts for me to wake up in the morning, sometimes. i feel like i can't get out of bed and like the weight of the world is caving in on my chest. it's so difficult to even exist, and you have no idea. you have no idea how much every "she" and "girl" and "my daughter" kills me. you can't even begin to comprehend everything in my head; i don't know if you'd even try if given the chance. and with the constant nightmares i get, it's like i can never escape from myself - not even through the truest form of escapism.
i hate who i am. and trust me, i wish i could be your perfect little daughter, too.
with (passive-aggressive) love,
your son, alex.
