Hello everybody,
{I need to vent}
This is probably going to be too long so bear with me (kinda biography lol)
I'm Kelly (physically male and heterosexual – into women I mean, 35 now) and pre-everything mtf. For as long as I remember myself I've been jealous of girls. Back when I was young (4-7 years old) I didn't really know the differences between male and female sex organs and wanted to appear – be a female. There was a girl about 16 when I was about 6 and I was so darn jealous of her but at the same time I knew it wasn't "right" and I was afraid she knew. Between 7-9 I don't really remember anything different but I was still jealous of girls. Around that age (up to 13 max) I remember praying to God so hard to turn me into a girl (even made "bargains" lol). At I point I even believed would grow up to be a girl.
When puberty started though I was "oh ->-bleeped-<- why....". When I started masturbating I could do it only with my long hair and nail fetish. Sometimes "finishing" imagining I was a girl. I never watched "classic" porn. By that time I hadn't crossdressed really (wore only some mom's dresses), but seeing my face in the mirror while crossdressed made me sad, All my life I wanted to have long hair and nails but I cut my hair short trying to "fight it". My mom always told me to cut my nails because it's not right "for a boy". Also I was kinda bullied at high school over my nails but inside me I liked how they called me. In movies etc I would end up envying the girl etc.
In my dreams I'm mostly male (and feels ok) but quite a few times I've dreamt I was a girl (also other dreams having long hair, nails, nice heels as gift) and there were the happiest dreams I've ever had. Other times I had the so – called (difficult to describe – can't really remember) girl – world dreams in which I was in a group of females and while doing something girly right I actually changed to a girl. These were even more intense and I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling this elation.
So far, unfortunately, I haven't had a girlfriend (too shy, trying to "get rid" of these feelings before I had a gf.) I know, it sucks. Between 19-21 a saw a magazine talking about "->-bleeped-<-s" but it was written in a very bad way – not distinguishing crossdressers and transsexuals entirely. Before that I hadn't heard about trans* at all. Reading that made feel happy and sad at the same time. For some time I even thought (based on what was written) "I'll have a sex change and I'll kill myself at 30". Later, I read about differences in the brain and I was thinking "I can win this. I can do it".
There were some fashion magazines my mom used to buy and I would look at the models until I felt that it was me in the photo. The feeling was like a ton of bricks and then I would just cry a lot. I was also kinda homophobic (not exactly but kinda )– for example my mom thought that long nails on a man are just disgusting etc and I "learnt" that too. Now I understand that all the things I learned – believed as "wrong" (gay men, feminine males) were just different and I was so deep in denial. My parents (especially my mom) used to tell me how great body I have for a guy, so masculine (and I was inside "stop already, are you kidding me?").
When I was 24 I had for the first time internet (yeah that's right). I started searching about trans and I found photos and stories that made me cry. I registered in a gid forum (doesn't exist anymore) and talked a lot to many members. All of them told me it's not a phase and that I'll have to do something about it. I was in the forum for like 2 years (on and off). At that time I was keeping a "dream diary" and "girl diary" where I wrote how I felt every day. I was reading about hormones, srs, ffs, rle etc and my feelings kept changing from super happy to depressed to happy to depressed. Around then (I must have been 26) I came out to my mom. She asked me why I hadn't told her before, if I still like girls and told me that if I transitioned I would be very unhappy. Also that most people who transition live very sad lives. Then she said it's probably a phase since I don't have a girlfriend and that I'll just have to live as a guy. These months – year I learned all these things about trans I fell into terrible depression. I could just cry and cry for hours and even being in public transport or the university was increasingly difficult.
After my coming out (she also told dad obviously) they found a therapist (I couldn't find anybody at the time), which turned out to be bad for me. That therapist told me I was not trans and just had some fetishes. Then he had me talk with another "therapist" in his office, which was equally bad. I ended up behaving as a guy in the sessions and she was telling me to find more friends etc. They also gave me some antidepressants (SSRIs) for about a year and a half, which calmed down my depression and could finish my bachelor. At that time I actually thought I had "won" the "battle" and then army followed without these feelings. Later, halfway into my master thesis I stumbled into a photo of Jenna Talackova and all these feelings that were dormant fell again with tremendous pressure. I would cry myself every night to sleep for about a week. The feelings again subsided later so I figured I could "control it" or "wait for the wave to go away" if it happened in somewhat regular intervals. I was imagining myself as female but tried to convince myself it was more of a "fantasy" of how I wanted to live.
Fast forward to 35 years old with these "on-off" feelings every now and then. Someday I stumbled on photos of trans women and started crying again really hard. I started browsing forums regarding crossdressers thinking that in that way it could be a lot easier compared to transitioning. I started to feel that my life is just passing by and I've wasted my youth trying to suppress my feelings. I came out "again" to my mother. This time it was a bit easier than first time. I told her more or less what I could remember and she was crying cause she had thought that the feelings were gone. She still had trouble on separating gender identity from sexual preference. Even then I couldn't tell her some of my feelings. It just hurt too much. Btw my 2d: 4d ratio is about 1, compared to most males which is less I think.
These days (last summer) was my birthday and I gave myself a secret promise: to try not to repress myself anymore and try to accept whatever it is I am. I kept thinking about my nails and decided I wanted I was going to paint my toenails for a start. Not fingernails cause it would cause too many questions and I didn't feel ready. So I went to my summer vacations in men's flipflops and shinny blue painted toenails. Also my fingernails with clearcoat only. It felt really nice and I didn't give a damn about what other people thought. I helped that nobody there knew me. I got quite a few stares from a few guys but since I was generally masculine it just seemed "cool". Though when I got back my dad was really sad and wanted me to take off the polish. I did it because I didn't want to see him suffering.
For a few months I went abroad (Erasmus+ exchange program) as part of my PhD. For the first couple of months it was ~ok then depression set in again, really hard (concerning trans issues obviously). Some days I felt so bad, I was crying, and with a little push I could commit suicide. I wanted to meet girls there but I was in such a bad mood that I didn't feel like it.
Back in home – a month ago, I tried talking to my mother about this again but she told me that I've told her about the issue and that she doesn't want to talk about it again. I told her that sometimes I feel like it would be better not to be alive and she got angry and shouted "Then go and have a sex change since you don't care about a therapist". Since then I haven't really talked to her about it. Last days I managed to make an appointment with a therapist who's supposed to be specialized for trans*. I read good comments in another trans* forum about him so we'll see in 2 weeks. These days I can't get my mind off being a girl. Even the most subtle things irritate me – I was talking to a lab mate and she was straightening her hair with her hands. I was so jealous, I could barely pay attention to what she was saying. Trouble is, I'm still not getting paid for doing my PhD and I'm financially dependent on my old parents. Which still don't get it by the way. They (forget my dad) don't want to even think of transitioning as an option. I guess they really haven't understood or don't want to believe how I feel and that I can't "just" be a guy and continue like this.
My face again seems so strange – foreign to me. I can't imagine myself being an old man (I'd rather die than be a 88 year old man – like my dad). Some years ago I used to believe I could somehow combine my "girl personality" into my everyday life. Although my trans feelings come and go I still haven't found a way to combine "her" into "him". How could I have "ignored" all the signs – I was – I still am so terrified. I imagined (imagine?) being trans as a disaster. A few things that have changed the last years are: I'm more into touch my myself, I really don't think (at the moment) having children is important – although I would like it, sometimes suicide or death doesn't seem so frightening anymore. I used to be really afraid of dying, but with this situation there are times where I almost don't care (that's probably not that good).
I'm so confused – in despair. I want to shout "stop the age train!" and try to stop thinking that maybe I could have transitioned young. Sometimes my "parts" seem ok-ish other times I can't stand seeing them. I'm still not sure about transition. I haven't reach a point of "transition or die" yet but I feel it's getting close. Even now that I'm writing this I'm in tears. I am so effin jealous of girls...even songs where a woman is singing make me depressed. If somebody offered me the chance to magically turn into a girl without being able to change back I would do it this second. I really can't take this for much longer without breaking somewhere....
That's about it...
Thanks to everybody who had the courage to read through it...
XXX,
Kelly
