Need some opinions

[Britney79]

Hi all,

So I was in the middle of an argument with the wife last night and she said something that bothered me. I am not sure how I should approach her about the comment. So as the argument escalated she stated " As for this woman thing you are going though just remember your still a man." It bothered me and have been pondering on it all day. Maybe there is nothing to it, just a typical relationship argument. What do you think I should take from this comment.

Thanks,
Britney

[Jessica Merriman]

I take it to mean she will NEVER accept you transitioning and will leave the relationship immediately if you do. She just put you on notice for your decision.

[mrs izzy]

Wow! Hold on dear if she is not accepting they get worst as she sees her spouse change into the woman you always been.

You can try to ask for why she feels like that but might lead to another argument. 

I am sorry.  Hugs

[LordKAT]

Your wife may need to learn more to understand what you are going through. Is it possible to have her go to a gender therapist with you? Having someone with knowledge back you up may at least get her to think through what she is feeling and change how she feels about it. Suzi is right in education being key to understanding. That education could save a number of marriages.

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Britney.  Hugs.  I've gotten the same comments from my wife.  Numerous times.  It never gets easier.  I don't know how supportive your wife has been.  Mine has been off and on.  Some days, she'll go to a support group with me to learn more.  Other days, she screams at me that I'm a man and I'll die a man.  And ladt Sunday, those were the same day. [emoji17]

If she doesn't have a therapist, make sure she has someone to talk to who has some experience with gender issues. 

Good luck!  Remember you are not alone.

[Britney79]

Thanks Ladies,
Yea she has been off and on supportive of me through the beginning of this process. She has agreed to go to therapy with me so that she can understand what I am going through. It seems to be an off and on thing with her. The one thing that bothers me, is when I came out I have her the opportunity to walk away.

   I am hoping for the best at this point. But to be honest I am doing this for me, so that I can be truly happy with myself.  This may sound selfish but if she can't accept I would have to walk away.

Britney

[serenityfaith]

I take it to mean she will NEVER accept you transitioning and will leave the relationship immediately if you do. She just put you on notice for your decision.

Jessica's right.. I'm sorry honey, but thats NEVER a good thing.. I pray that she accepts the idea of going to counseling with you. People are afraid of what they don't understand. However part of me thinks that maybe she should already have somewhat of an understanding seeing as y'all are married and I'm sure you've poured your heart out time and time again..

[JoanneB]

I am not so quick to judge. Too many unknowns, such as How long has she known?, Just how much does she know? How badly was her first response? Has she been at all supportive? Do you think she was just "Going through the motions" hoping "It's a phase"? What steps have you been taking? What external changes have there been? etc.

Let's be honest here, how long has it taken us to look in a mirror and not see a man? Especially if you are primarily presenting as one? Now imagine you are an SO and had the T-Bomb dropped on you. She had how long to get over the shock and try to grasp a situation that have spent a lifetime trying to get a handle on.

So, of course during an argument she may go for the jugular. A few times my wife has. Even before I dropped this on her! Only the weapon changed. During heated emotional outbreaks things, totally unfiltered and unintended things, may be said. What really matters at the end of the day was the intent. Was she hurt and wanted to hurt you back? Seems like she succeeded.  It appears you feel she wanted to hurt you vs just a general "lashing out".

When my wife "blurts" I usually feel it was not intended to hurt. Lash out. Really make a point. Get my attention, sure. Worked big time. I take my lumps and don't immediate react to it. I also learned not to let it fester. When things cool down, hopefully before bed, I revisit those words with her in a totally non-confrontational manner.

At the end of the day our wives believed they were marrying "Men". They believed they were married to men for however long it's been. Transition blows that world apart. Not many can see beyond the image to the person inside. TBH - This person inside has changed a lot, for the better. Just ask my wife! Sure, some aspects she isn't thrilled about. The same ones I feel guilty about. This isn't what either of us expected, nor signed on for. It took a few years of working on myself, help from my TG support group, some therapy, and HRT to bring me to the far better and happier place I am today. The journey was scary for me, even scarier for the passenger, my wife. She mostly likes the improvements. It's been a long time since I heard "Who in their right mind wants to be a 50 y/o woman?". I still get the occasional "I did not marry a woman".

Only you know if it was spoken out of malice, or from love. If you aren't sure, perhaps best to ask her, rather then guess?

[Britney79]

Update!!!
  So last night me and the wife sat down and I explained how hurtful the comment was and how it made me feel. She immediately offered an apology and said it wasn't made in malice. She told me that she supports me one hundred percent and that the comment was made in the heat of the argument and would never happen again.

That being said she say this is all still sinking in at this point, but she made it clear that I had gave her a chance to leave. But she wants to stand by me through this and that she couldn't imagine her world without me man or woman. But thank you ladies for all your opinions.

[Muffinheart]

Update!!!
  So last night me and the wife sat down and I explained how hurtful the comment was and how it made me feel. She immediately offered an apology and said it wasn't made in malice. She told me that she supports me one hundred percent and that the comment was made in the heat of the argument and would never happen again.

That being said she say this is all still sinking in at this point, but she made it clear that I had gave her a chance to leave. But she wants to stand by me through this and that she couldn't imagine her world without me man or woman. But thank you ladies for all your opinions.

Wow, déjà vu @ "I support you 100%."
Those exact words were echoed by my ex in 2007 when I first told her.
Then she turned, when a few weeks later I started therapy and hormones - it became real, and wasn't another expected unfinished venture of mine. We haven't seen each other since 2008.
I hope it turns out better for you....truly, I do.

[shoei098]

I agree with Joanne. It's a lot for her to go through and when you're asking her to be supportive and understanding I think it comes with the territory that you have to be at least somewhat understanding - not okay with, but understanding of - the occasional terribly insensitive thing, as long as it's something you know she doesn't truly believe, and she apologizes, and learns from it.

EDIT: I missed your post britney, I'm glad to hear it worked out