Best Hairstyle for Full-time Wig Wearers

[Virginia]

It was 2 years almost to the day before my hair had grown out to a length that my female alter felt comfortable in public without a wig. As I have a full head of hair and was growing it out so she eventually didn't have to wear a wig, I had no choice but to put up with the year round aggravation and discomfort in the summer.

My Mother was an executive secretary in the 1970's had so many styles and colors of wigs me and Dad didn't know what her real hair looked like. So I am wondering; if presenting without a wig isn't an option because of male pattern baldness, how do full time wig wearers groom their own hair? Did you grow out what hair you have anyway? Do you have your stylist give you a short feminine cut? My female alter only fronts for my System two days a week. No one knows her as anything other than the women she is and we live completely separate lives. But I always figured if she had to wear a wig forever, shaving my head would work best for us both. It's pretty popular among guys these days and if anyone she knows ever questioned it, she could tell them she was having chemo. No more shampooing & conditioning!

As someone with DID, my identity is male or female depending on which of my five alters is fronting, wherever I am or whatever I am wearing. People see my female alter as a girl regardless of what she is wearing when she comes to front. She's a 13-year-old tomboy so makeup is not a "must do" and wearing guys clothes is kind of awesome for her. But after 6+ years of adjusting to having a female alter, I still can't bring myself to step in when she is fronting to avoid the dysphoria of seeing myself in women's clothes and makeup. For transgender folk- How do you cope with the change in self-image when you take off your wig?  Do you wear your wig 24-7 and only take it off when you can't look at yourself in the shower (my female alter does that sort of self delusion by not looking at my penis to maintain her truth of having a woman's body)?

[missymay]

I think telling people you are having Chemo is just not an ethical thing to do, and it could bring some really bad karma your way. 

[Virginia]

At the risk of derailing my own thread, I think this is worth elaborating on.
For a psychologically healthy person, I agree with you MissyMay. For someone with DID...not so much. Although this was only a hypothetical explanation someone might use for why they wear a wig, there is a distinct difference between "reality" and "fact" and they do not always agree. My female alter believing she is undergoing chemo would not be "fact." It would however be her "reality." Just as her not looking at my penis, this sort of self-delusion and distortion of "fact" is how an alter maintains their "reality" of being a separate person. And it is fundamental to the way a trauma survivor's brain enabled them to cope with psychological and physical torture.

My psychologist often reminds me that not everyone needs to know everything about us. "Fact" is that as someone who has a female alter because of dissociative identity disorder from childhood truama, I had shaved my head because my male pattern baldness kept me from growing my hair into an acceptably long feminine style and it made it more convenient for my alter to wear a wig.

My female alter's entire "reality" is a fabrication, bits and pieces of what she chooses to see or not see, believe, disregard, interpret differently, or make up all together. As my System's host I would have a hard time accepting her "reality" that I was undergoing chemo. My own "reality," that I had shaved my head because it's cool for a guy, is much closer to "fact."

All that said, my "reality" that I am five different people is not "fact". I had a completely distorted "reality" of my childhood for over 40 years, refused to see the "fact" that I had been psychologically abused and raped until I had a mental breakdown in 2009. "Fact" or "reality," it is how people cope. It differs only by degree from what a psychologically healthy person would do. 

Whether the glass is half full or half empty depends on where you start. Turning unpleasant reality into a truth the Self can accept is, and has always been, part of what defines my female alter. Like telling a child there is no Santa Claus, my pointing out that her "reality" is not "fact" is not only hurtful, it is disrespectful of the role she plays in my System.

I am not saying it is right or wrong, just that this is how it is.  Each of us likes to believe our "reality" is based in "fact." What really matters is that our "reality" does not harm us or someone else.

[Virginia]

Can the full-time wig users please offer some insights into how you style your own hair and how you cope with with the change in self-image when you take off your wig?

[Jeneva]

I wear mine around 1/4 to 1/2".  If you completely shave then you need to use a regular razor to get all the hair and it has to be maintained every day (personal experience).  It would also itch as it grew out.  Shaving short keeps enough hair that it isn't skin that could be slick, but also isn't bulky.

I will also say I see using chemo as a fake excuse as morally bankrupt.

[Eva Marie]

Virginia-

I have a thin spot on the back of my head and HRT is not bringing it fully back although it's a lot less worse than it used to be. I am growing it out anyway, and I stuff the extra length under a wig cap and wear a wig every day. My hairdresser tells me there are hairpieces that will cover the thin spot when my own hair gets long enough, and i'm banking on that because wearing a wig is a pain - its itchy and hot and has to be taped on, and it's not "me". It works for me for now but I'll be glad when I can get rid of it.

[Virginia]

The lies I tell myself and my reasons for them are between me and my Creator. Can we please keep the morality judgements out of this thread and cast the first stone someplace else?

Two very different approaches, thank you for the input! I hadn't considered the incessant itching when hair begins to grow out that goes  along with shaving, and I certainly understand the desire to exhaust all options by growing out your own hair.

[JoanneB]

One of the great cosmic ironies in my life is becoming a member of the MPB club around age 14. In male mode I can pass for Friar Tuck, with just that half halo and chrome dome. I primarily present male. My haircut is a typical mens, above the ear, trim the stragglers on the top. Another member of my group who is full time tells me her hair is like mine. She shaves it. We both need to use wig tape to hold it securely in place.

[VickyMI]

To answer your question as a full time wig wearer for many years I have found shaving to be the best method.

Primarily three reasons:

1. Wig fits better without hair in the way

2. Transparent lace shows through to bare skin at part and crown which looks very real

3. If I'm on a date I usually use one piece of tape just to make sure there is not an accident with wondering hands. Shaved skin works much better with tape.

[CindyCD]

I keep a very short bit of hair, maybe 1/4". I find it helps keep the wig stable. I go to a local hairdressing salon that has a wig specialist for maintenance/restoration/styling. Using wig shampoo and conditioner make a big difference in controlling static and knotting.

Rather than saying you're on chemo, you could just say you prefer the style. It would avoid trouble when and if the truth comes out. I understand that you're trying to find a way to deal with the anxiety, but I have to say. I'm a cancer patient and I find the idea of someone pretending to have it disturbing. That being said, I do wish you well.

Hugs,
Gloria

[Virginia]

Thank you all for the feedback. I am still hoping for some input on how to handle the disconnect/dysphoria when you remove your wig.

As saying you are "having chemo" to explain why you don't have any hair if your wig unexpectedly comes off is disturbing to some people, I want to be clear I never had any intention of telling anyone I was "having chemo." I have a full head of hair I wear in a shoulder length grunge that works well for me and my female alter. I went into why my female alters maintains a reality of her own that may or may not be consistent with fact not to defend her saying she was "having chemo," but to explain the way the dissociative mind works. "Having chemo" was a euphemism I pulled out of the air as a potential reason someone MIGHT use for not having hair if their wig accidentally came off. My apologies to all who were offended by my example. Please fill it in the blank with whatever lie or truth you would use for the purposes of this thread.

[Lyric]

I've lately been seriously considering a strategy for becoming a full time wig wearer, myself. I've worn long hair for most of my life and have long kept a small collection of wigs for occasional use, but I've never worn one one for more than few hours at a time. Age is catching up with me, though, and my hair is gradually becoming thinner than I would like.

My plan is to eventually have a set of wigs and hairpieces in the same approximate color range for different uses and rotation. I'd like to have at least one good quality full lace wig with European hair, probably 18" or less in length, but I doubt I'll want to mess with lace gluing on a daily basis, though. The Jon Renau line of wigs features a series they call "Smart Lace", which seem to give a fairly good hairline without using glue, so I may try to pick up one or two of those as well. They come pre-cut and styled even in human hair.

Living in the southern USA, wearing a wig full time in summer is not an appealing proposition, though. What I'm thinking of doing is getting a "topper" hairpiece or two to wear. I think with care you can wear ponytails and updos with those. I might also even wear a "halo" loop piece to fill the back area. The drawback is I'll doubtless need to have my own hair dyed to match the piece. I want go with more of a blonde shade overall anyway, though, so it's about coloring time, anyway. The advantage of this idea is that your roots can grow out a lot between touch ups since the piece covers the top. You can, by the way, buy lace front toppers, though they seem to kind of hard to find. I'll probably get both one of those and a regular one, though.

[Brenda E]

For personal reasons, I'm going to add another "WTF are you thinking?" to the pretending-to-have-chemo idea (or even the using-it-as-a-throwaway-example idea.)  Sure, there's no room for judgment on this site, but I think we can draw a few moral lines in the sand.

Google reasons someone could lose their hair.  There's plenty of them, none of which are so uniquely offensive to so many people.

Please never, ever use "having chemo" as a cover.  It's disgusting on so many levels.  If nothing else, it shows a clear lack of understanding of precisely how chemo (and cancer) affects the human body.  (Hint - you don't just lose your hair.  That's often merely a minor side effect compared to what else is going on.)

But I always figured if she had to wear a wig forever, shaving my head would work best for us both. It's pretty popular among guys these days and if anyone she knows ever questioned it, she could tell them she was having chemo. No more shampooing & conditioning!

Yeah.  Someone very close to me doesn't have to shampoo or condition much now either.  She's dead.  You know what gets me through the day though?  Knowing that she doesn't have to worry about washing her ->-bleeped-<-ing hair.

[missymay]

My mom died a few weeks ago from lung cancer, and I agree with your outrage 100%, Brenda. And, I'm sorry for your loss.

[Muffinheart]

My mom died a few weeks ago from lung cancer, and I agree with your outrage 100%, Brenda. And, I'm sorry for your loss.

MissyMay

My heart goes out to you, I feel your pain.
My mom passed away at age 49 from a combo lung and breast cancer.
There are zero words that can comfort you at this time, but all I can do is reflect on the memories.
On my birthday, the first thanks I send out is to mom cuz I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her.

[Susan]

I've locked this topic I am sure Virginia has learned the error of her ways.