Parental Saga

[Arch]

Anyone who has been reading my stuff knows that I haven't seen my parents for a few decades and had cut them off completely for about twenty. My father finally tracked me down two years ago, and (after a few months of panic), I wrote back. I came out to him about a year ago. We haven't met, and as far as I know, he still hasn't told my mother about me--not just that I'm a gay trans man but even that he has made contact.

He has understandably been very slow and cautious about all of this. My mother is conservative and judgmental. I am sure that he doesn't want to upset the apple cart this late in the game (both are in their eighties). With a mixture of dread and anticipation, I have been waiting for him to decide what to do. His letters rarely even mention my mother, and he stopped talking about seeing me in person after I dropped the bomb. That's fine by me.

He sent me a note a couple of weeks ago and said that he was giving me a heads up to expect a real letter about our respective situations. What with this news and a bunch of other stresses in my life, I find it extraordinarily difficult to focus and get things done. I'm genuinely freaked. I'm not very good with the emotional side of things--except with a significant other, and even then I'm pretty careful--so the idea of reconnecting with my eightysomething father after thirty years is just terrifying. I don't know what the hell I want from him. Even after mulling things over for two years and trying to work through the situation with my therapist, I have no idea what I want. I stayed away for thirty years for good reasons. But I'm still not entirely sure what all of those reasons are. Maybe they have more to do with what's wrong with me than what's wrong with my mother (or my mother and father).

The last time I saw my father, he was my age. Now he is elderly. I get nervous around old people and have never been comfortable with them--not even with my own grandparents. Now my father is one of those old people, and I already felt conflicted about him before considering his age. Yet another monkey wrench in the whole affair.

I much prefer relationships that I can fully control--long-distance relationships, online relationships, my therapist (lots of boundaries there), or imaginary relationships. Real life is just messy and horrible. And when we throw parents and transsexuality and religious bigotry and a lack of self-knowledge into the mix, that's a recipe for disaster. A part of me thinks...wishes...he is quite old, and he might pass away before I have to make any big decisions. Every time I think that, a voice inside me screams DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

I feel like an emotional cripple. I know that I spent decades twisting myself up into knots and repressing so that I could survive and get by. The trouble lies in the untwisting. I have been at an impasse for a few years, and I'm in the same place with my parents. I can't seem to figure out anything.

I wish I weren't such an enigma to myself.

[mrs izzy]

Sorry this is in your lap when so much also is running through your life ATM

I will say that even parents can make a change.

Never dismiss to early.

No matter what hapoens they still have love for there children deep inside.

Breathe and maybe have a meeting but you bring a friend as a buffer?

Hugs and you will get through this.

[Arch]

My father's love is the whole problem. He just couldn't let go. I don't know whether I love him, but I certainly do not love my mother. I would not have any problems if she were hit by a bus. If she were out of the picture, maybe--just maybe--I could figure out what I want from my father. But at this rate, I doubt it. I was a snail in another life. Now I'm a pretzel...

[suzifrommd]

Parental relationships have such power over us that time and space doesn't dull. People don't like being powerless, so unless our relationships with parents bring us joy, the natural reaction would be to back away.

The question to ask is, "What is best for Arch?"

Not (unfortunately), what is most comfortable for Arch, or what is safest for Arch.

I don't know you well, so I don't know what you need. Maybe you need to learn to open your heart and your world. If that's the case, more connection with your father is appropriate. Maybe you need to learn to protect yourself from toxic social situations. If that's the case tread carefully.

My only advice (which you didn't ask for, so feel free to ignore) is not to let your fear of the unknown, your uncertainty how to deal with him, and your discomfort with elderly folks make your decision for you.

Good luck and hugs, Arch. Please let us know what happens.

[ImagineKate]

Totally hear you there bro.

I've had on/off periods with my dad. When I was little he and I were like peanut butter and jelly. When I hit puberty the wheels fell off and he basically slowly fell out of my life, even stopped talking to me while I lived in his house.

He made up with me after 9/11. Then when I came out as a trans woman he just fell silent. He doesn't reply at all. I know he's around because he talks to my brother almost daily.

I suspect he'll try to talk to me sooner rather than later though.

[spacerace]

I don't know what the hell I want from him.

My guess is closure. Get it before you lose the chance.

[Arch]

Before I drove to work yesterday, I picked up my mail. I had a standard-sized envelope from my father and thought, "Holy Ned, this is it!" I knew I shouldn't open it before work, so I stowed it in the trunk of my car with the other mail and hit the freeway.

Traffic was reasonable, so I had time to spare when I arrived on campus. I thought, "No, I shouldn't read it yet. I have to teach and hold office hours. I don't want any interference." So again I delayed.

Leaving campus late that night, I delayed one more time because I live very far from work and didn't want to drive if I was upset by something my father had said. And once home, I made sure I took care of some teaching business before I allowed myself space to open the damned thing.

Empty. No letter. Sometimes, he sends me checks wrapped in a bit of note paper and folded into a small envelope. This time, he had sent a check wrapped up in a large, thick piece of paper and placed into a standard envelope. I was so let down that I threw it. Being paper, it didn't travel very far, and I felt stupid and grumpy for getting so uptight and going through all of these idiotic steps to be a professional and a safe driver and all of that.

This entire debacle has been going on for two years--or for decades, depending on point of view. I just need the coming-out process to be over. I need to be out to both parents. And I guess I want SOME kind of resolution from him--and maybe even from her--about my fractured childhood and his (and maybe her) role in it. But sheesh, how long is he going to drag this out? Just do it, for crissake. Just tell her and take the fallout--and then write something real to me, as you keep threatening to do. Don't keep stretching it out. I need this mess to be DONE.

I was so uptight while I was on campus that I mentioned the situation to one of my colleagues. He didn't really get it. For him, everything boils down to either I want a relationship with my father/parents, or I don't, and why keep thrashing around about it? I don't know whether he has ever had major issues with either of his parents, but he has never had to deal with the queer/trans element, which looms LARGE and always has in one way or another and which changes everything. I have no control over what my father does, and I wanted control over my own coming-out, but I didn't get to have it, and now it's just dragging on and on. I finally made contact with him in 2013 precisely BECAUSE I didn't know what I wanted from him, so I thought that the only way to find out was to make a move and figure it out as I went along. I really think that a lot of queer people wind up doing that. Not everything is cut and dried. I have about six tons of emotional baggage, it is causing me a lot of stress and grief, and I am still trying to figure it out. Why is that so hard to understand?

I hate to say it, but I'm now thinking, "Thank you for your feeble non-attempt to support me. But it's a trans thing. You wouldn't understand." But my colleague isn't responsible for any of this, so I don't know why I'm mad at him.

I have a therapy appointment in less than an hour. I need it.

[stephaniec]

You know what, I'd say bite the bullet release the misery. The worse that can happen is that you'll find out for sure where they stand. their time is short and they probably want to try to resolve one way or the other an incredibly problematic situation in their life. The worse that will happen is you be in the same position as you are now except the pain of not knowing will be gone. I 'm dead to my sisters, haven't seen them in more then 25 years and absolutely have no intention to see them again, which is fine but it doesn't gnaw at me like a pack of hungry rats eating my flesh while I'm sleeping.

[Athena]

Hugs

[mrs izzy]

Hugs,

Someday maybe the answer will come.

[Ara]

Just remember that you don't owe it to your father or your mother to be anyone else but yourself when you're around them.  If you decide to reconnect with them then they have to meet you half way.  There is no obligation for you to hide, for you to be ashamed, or for you to do all the compromising.

If they won't let you be yourself with them, it's okay to move on.  It doesn't make you a bad person.

However, if you do reconnect and he is willing to meet you halfway then you might have something you really want.

[Arch]

Thanks for the support, everybody. I have been spinning around in circles for weeks, and I felt even more frustrated after talking to my colleague the other day. He is fine in many ways, and he is very accepting of me to boot, but I suppose he is further evidence of a yawning cis-trans divide. The gap is narrower between some people, but I think he and I have a Grand Canyon thing going.

I feel much better after therapy, although I know that the effect is merely temporary.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! He's just another person, Arch, and so is your mom.There's nothing to be afraid of,  you don't have to let anyone set the terms of your life or decide anything for you. You have the power to wwalk away if you don't think the conversation has a future.  If you don't reestablish a relationship, you may regret it. If you try, even if it doesn't work, you won't have lingering doubt. I think you should buckle down and do this.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Arch]

I've been so good at shutting down my feelings and, when they aren't completely blocked out, filtering them within an inch of their lives, so to speak. The long history of blocking and filtering is one factor that has made my transition particularly difficult. I don't have much practice at actually navigating emotions because I usually just bury them.

When my dams and filters started to break down--and when the T kicked in--yikes. I have realized that I'm not just afraid of some scary aspects of life; I'm also afraid of expressing feelings and just having them, period. I was actually raised that way, and then I added more to it throughout my life.

A lot of that fear is expressed as anger, and the fear and anger overwhelm the original emotion so that I cannot even figure out what it was in the first place or what I want to do about it. So...do I love my parents? Am I afraid of my parents? If so, why? They have no direct power over me, and they have very limited indirect power over me. I have not loved my mother since I was quite young; all I've ever really known is that sort of automatic love that you have as a child before you start seeing your parents as real human beings. I think that I'm still fundamentally a child when it comes to her, though. She hurt me, and I want to hurt her back. This "eye for an eye" attitude might explain why I'm so keen for her to know I'm trans--maybe I don't want to be out so much as I want to use my trans-ness to hurt her, for I know that it will.

I think that my feelings for my father are probably much more complicated, especially since I'm gay and actually had fairly typical "gay" thoughts and fantasies about men and fathers as I was growing up. Gay men and fathers...what a mine field. At the same time, that dynamic is distorted and fractured because he saw me as a girl and raised me as a girl. And then I add a few decades of keep-away and emotional distance and my mother...what a mess. On this particular issue, I'm no closer to figuring myself out than I was when I started transitioning.

[Devlyn]

So boil it down. You're Arch, he's dad, she's mom. Start there. Seriously, I don't want to see you saying "Why did I wait until it was too late?"

My mom is dying in hospice right now. I grew up and realized what you described, that you can love someone but not like them as a person.  But I'm glad I talked to her last week while I still could. Don't miss your chance, brother.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Arch]

Yes, that's one reason I answered his private investigator's query a couple of years ago. The trouble is that my father didn't want me to come out to my mother--he wanted full control over that information, and he has exerted it. I'm trying to respect his wishes. This time, he is the one delaying, and for more than a year now.

I am pretty sure that once he does make a move, I will do a lot more delaying myself while I try to sort things out. After all, this is not an easy problem. I suppose I should have more respect for his difficult position, but I'm running out of patience and want him to just DO something.

We might just mutually delay ourselves out of time, and then I really WILL have regrets because I've started on a journey that might end without my having the luxury of making a real, informed choice. And that would be on me because I'M the one who cut THEM off in the first place. So now the shoe is on the other foot: I'm waiting and waiting for him instead of the other way around. But I took decades and now, hypocritically, I begrudge him a year.

[Devlyn]

Running out of patience is one thing, and running out of life is permanent. Do it on your terms, and if it blows up, own it. There's a certain satisfaction in being able to say "I F-ed that up, but it was my decision."

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

Hugs Devlyn, I am sorry your Mom is in hospice.

Arch, hugs,

You are in control of the disclosure to your parents and you are respectful of your father and allowing him room to decide what to do.

You have a very difficult situation and there are no simple solutions. Trust in yourself and your judgment.

I had some bad things happen when I was young. Two of the people are dead and one is alive. I have a way I handle the issues. I forgave them and I made alternate constructive endings (with the help of my 1st therapist). There are still times I dream of the events and I am defenseless but when I am awake I use the techniques I learned, it helps.

[Ms Grace]

Sorry, I somehow missed all this when it was happening. Belated hugs of support! Have you heard any more?

The only thing I can offer is that sometimes some people mellow as they get older, things that used to get them riled up can often not be an issue later in life. If you haven't seen them for twenty years maybe a few thing have improved (and yes, I guess they could have gotten worse too).

It's interesting he went to the trouble of tracking you down and then maintain contact. He must care at least a fair bit to do that. Problem is, parents can sometimes be oblivious to the pain and confusion they cause their children.

[Arch]

I still haven't heard a word. I wonder if my father has talked to my brother about me. I wish I could talk to my brother, but he keeps saying he is too busy with work and has no time for me. I know what that's like. When I'm overwhelmed, I can't handle even one more small thing, let alone a big one.

Maybe if I send a quick update, he will scare up a few minutes and write back.

I am reluctant to write to him, though. If he's so busy, I'm bothering him. If he just cannot handle what I am, I'm being intrusive. And, well, I blew up at him in an e-mail a year or so ago, and I'm still embarrassed about it. I thought he was being nasty on Facebook--I couldn't see any other way to slice it, even after I read and reread the offending comments--and he never really talked to me. I felt that he was blowing me off and being hostile, perhaps without even realizing it. I let things fester and then really took him to task. He said he had no rancor; he was just busy.

Okay, fine. I'll have to take that as the truth and wait around for HIM, too.

Last time I talked to him, he implied that our mother hasn't changed, so I wouldn't expect any acceptance in her lifetime. I really don't even want it, but she and my father are a package deal. I feel that I cannot come out to my mother without my father's approval. I just can't go behind his back. I might destroy any chance I have of reconciling with him, if that's what I ultimately want. I would probably make his life miserable as well. My mother has a way of making people pay if she is not happy.

I have such a wonderful family.