I want to be a lesbian...is that bad?

[Jenna Marie]

Nope. Lesbians *are* women, so if you want to be one... you also, by definition, want to be (or see yourself as) a woman.

Plenty of trans lesbians out there, too!

[jody2015]

i havnt got the energy to be a lesbian, id have to have a stunt double 

[Mermaid]

Well, do you see yourself living as a woman 24/7? Or would it suffice for you to be a woman in private, for your partner?

Does it matter what gender other people see you as? Or are you fine as long as your partner sees you as a lesbian woman?

It's very normal for you to have doubts, but I think you should separate your gender from your sexual orientation. You either like men or you like women (or both or whatever else is out there). What you are on the inside should be a different matter and one shouldn't influence the other, although it can, and it's often misleading...
I read your introduction post and you reminded me of Yaoi fans, but in reverse. Yaoi fans are generally women who like guy-on-guy action so much that they cosplay (or crossplay) as the guys they like, to feel like boys in a gay relationship. I know a few and it's not uncommon for them to have a different sense of gender expression, opting for alternative and more masculine styles...

Could it be this is the case with you? You get excited by Yuri/lesbians and as a result you want to insert yourself in those fantasies, like the Yaoi fans I described?
You mentioned suffering from Asperger's disorder in another thread, could that have triggered an obsession that potentiates your feelings to transition?

I noticed you said your "heart dies" when you see a lesbian couple, but other couples are just "cute"... Well, I'm into men and I'm rather indifferent to seeing straight and gay couples. They're just what they are, if that makes sense, and I don't feel any particular way towards watching two other people (regardless of gender) together. However, it's a very common paraphilia to enjoy seeing same-sex couples... Typically men like lesbians and women like gays. It has little to do with identity and is purely a kink/fetish. (most people have a few)

There are plenty of ways to explore that lesbian side that don't involve having to undergo medical treatment... Remember femininity is not exclusive to women and masculinity is not a necessity for men. I know it's scary to be different and you might meet disapproval from other people at times, but if you were to transition, you'd likely face the very same difficulties.

I hope I don't sound as if I'm trying to discourage you. I personally have no opinion on whether you're really trans or not, I think only one person can be the judge of that, and that's you. You're the one who lives in your skin, other people can try to relate to your perspective but they're ultimately not you, so your opinion matters the most. (actually, it's the only opinion that matters)

I've noticed people seem to think they're helping others by affirming they are trans after reading a single post and knowing little about that person's life and mental well-being. In truth, they are not helping, they're being "nice" and reassuring, but they don't realise they might actually be influencing someone to do something that they're not yet sure is right for them.

Ask yourself some questions... Are you happy? If not, why are you unhappy? How would your life change if you were a woman? Are you sure your expectations would be met if you transitioned? What are those expectations? Is there anything you can do as a woman that you couldn't as a man?

Honestly, introspection might serve you better than other people's opinions, but only so long as you're able to think clearly and weigh things well. You seem a little too involved with online gaming and communities, which made me wonder if you're socially integrated or not? That might warp your view of the world, specially if you're only being exposed to how women are viewed in MMOs and that sort of environment, where a LOT of homebound affection-deprived people roam about. That is not the real world, but if you're suffering from depression, you might not be evaluating your experiences clearly. In the real world, most people are female, they aren't all attractive, they don't all get attention, most are probably frustrated and jealous of others, etc.
I had a friend who wanted to transition, since he preferred being a woman on the Internet... His case didn't go very well, so that's why I'm alerting you towards these online groups. They're great for relief, but be sure to try and experience a few things IRL first to see how right they feel...

[JynxRosalie]

I appreciate the feedback, and to be completely honest almost every point you have is something that contributes to my doubt, another reason why I have yet to firmly, 100% say that I am transgendered. I worry excessively about these things, almost to the point where the games I play are the only way to NOT worry about them.

And yes, I am very cut off from the world socially, mainly because I don't have the capabilities or desire to be a part of it. I know not all women are gorgeous and I know they all have their doubts and trials, so the point about my view of women being skewed from being on the internet, while a valid point, I don't think is a concern. In fact, all I've ever really had in my life is women, my dad was abusive to me and my mother and left us both when I was 8. The only male I've ever had in my life is my grandfather, and I didn't exactly faun over him. I always flocked to my female aunts and cousins when they were around, and tended to shy away from the guys because...well I just didn't feel comfortable around them. I feel like there's this....strain when I'm around other guys, and I'm forced to live up to certain expectations that I don't really care for.

But you're right in that this could be a concern. When I think of the reasons why I want to be a woman, one of the profound reasons I constantly come back to, as conceited as it sounds, is that I want to feel cute. I love certain types of fashion, and a lot of the times, while the guys around me are checking out every woman they see, I'm not. If, in fact, I ever am, it's usually because I'm interested in something she's wearing, and then I start wishing that I could wear a cute outfit like that.

Honestly, I'm a recluse. I stay in my room and only leave when I need to, so I don't care what society thinks of me. But I care what I think, and I care what the people I'm actually connected with think, and when I imagine myself as a girl, and how it would make me feel better, them seeing me as that is usually a big piece of it.

I realize that I'm probably very confusing with all this back and forth, but I'm just now coming to a point where I want to know this about myself, I want to take action on this is it's really what I want. I can say, with certainty, that I am not like the cosplayers. Yes, I do get a lot of feelings when I see Yuri/Lesbian couples, but generally excitement isn't one of them. If I could draw a parallel, I'd use Miku Hatsune. I adore everything about Miku Hatsune. How she looks, how she sounds, everything. I am not afraid to admit that, when it comes to her, I would be just like those cosplayers yes. But my feelings towards wanting to be a girl, and my desire to be in a lesbian relationship feels nothing like that. Where Miku gives me this total rush and euphoria, this oh my god if I could be her I totally would she's so amazing I worship the ground she walks on, my feelings towards my gender problem (and wish to be in a lesbian relationship) just flat out drains the life out of me. It makes me want to cry because I was born the way I was, so I'm excluded from having this thing I so dearly want. It's just...a yearning at wanting something that I know, as I am now, I can't have. Just dressing up as a woman wouldn't be enough for me, the only way I could ever feel like I could experience that which I desire so much, in this regard, would be to change. And change is scary...

I feel like a woman on the inside, and in a way I always have. It was never intense before, and was always more of a wish I knew would never come true. I guess now that I'm learning that, in a way, it can, I'm scared  fully accept it. I don't want to be wrong.

Anyways, thank you for the reply. It gives me a lot to think about.

[Deinewelt]

I've always had a female gender identity since birth, but throughout my life, as many, a lot of environmental things have influenced me to behave in male ways.  Being biologically male, testosterone being a big influence, being in a society that pressures me in various ways to behave as a male.  However, despite all of this, I still always dream of being female to the point where I believe what I want to believe.  I've even gone so far as to believe that I could use magic to change myself into a real woman.  Unfortunately, it hasn't worked yet, but maybe someday right?  Despite all of the pressures and the environment, my mind, my soul, and my desires are all female.  Is it bad to have a desire around being lesbian?  I really doubt it.  I'm sure there are people who will tell you the opposite, but I am definitely a lesbian.  Maybe it is just years of being male, being around males, knowing them, which eventually resulted in a complete lack of interest in having male relationships in most forms.  Sexually, I identify as bisexual, but it would have to either be a woman or a male who isn't.  I am married to a woman who I love and we are both bisexual, so it all works out.  I told her I was bi really early and into cross dressing, so when I came out to her it wasn't much of a big deal.  There are definitely a lot of straight trans people, but there are also a lot of lesbian/gay trans people as well.  It's your life, your desires, and the only person with the authority to answer these questions is yourself.

[awilliams1701]

I used to say that too. Now I'm a real lesbian with a gross guy part.

I always used to say to my family when I was a kid:  I am a lesbian trapped inside a male body.

I used to say it all the time.  My parents must of thought I was weird.  Funny thing is if I transition I will be in a lesbian relationship.

[April Lee]

Honey, be whatever you want to be.

[Mermaid]

When I think of the reasons why I want to be a woman, one of the profound reasons I constantly come back to, as conceited as it sounds, is that I want to feel cute. I love certain types of fashion, and a lot of the times, while the guys around me are checking out every woman they see, I'm not. If, in fact, I ever am, it's usually because I'm interested in something she's wearing, and then I start wishing that I could wear a cute outfit like that.

Yeah, that's a thing many guys secretly want to complain about, but are probably embarassed to admit that they care. Guys are socialized to believe that they shouldn't care too much for their appearance; if you look at men's magazines, they're be full of "how much grooming is too much" articles, because guys want to look nice, but society expects them to not look too nice. Plain stinks and always bothered me, but I never cared, though it frustrated me to see how overpriviledged women are when it comes to fashion. The reality though, is that guys CAN be cute, and it's a growing trend... Androgyny's becoming a thing. I'll link some pictures, to illustrate how well some guys can get away with playing with femininity...

http://www.abc.es/Media/201210/09/stav-strashko-toyota--644x362.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/bd/97/f6/bd97f66b0400c76662786ae1d8035468.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/zeGcqVV.jpg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/2ca5c250d632b01eefa2901a6a7cf8c9/tumblr_micn8vBHLP1rf22r1o1_500.jpg

I think any of those blows the average woman out of the water in terms of "cuteness", the "women are pretty, men are handsome" thing is a bull->-bleeped-<- myth. Women are "pretty" because they shape their eyebrows, have no facial hair, wax their bodies, grow their hair long and take good care of it, use make-up freely... If men were to do the same... voilá! They're suddenly pretty too. Some people look good and others don't, I think any young man who's cute and doesn't have really pronounced masculine features has more "pretty potential" than an average/plain woman, most gender cues in my opinion are artificial. "Men are hairy, women are smooth", yeah, bull->-bleeped-<-, women are smooth because they wax, men are hairy because they generally don't... wax a man's body hair and suddenly he's smooth too, there goes a masculine trait out the window! So yeah, it's all to do with how you present yourself. Try to imagine a woman that doesn't groom and has a boyish haircut; she ends up with hairy legs, messy eyebrows, a nice moustache and short hair... nothing "cute" about it. I'm saying this to prove that "cuteness" doesn't have a gender, it's more tied in with genetics and personal style.

In my transition, I've gotten rid of the facial hair with laser and have been on testosterone blockers for about 9 months now; they're not estrogen, they don't really affect my appearance significantly, but I know I won't masculinize further, so that's enough for now.
I'm not entirely sure of what I want for myself, either. I know I'm not a "man" and could never put up with living a conventional male life... I've always behaved girly and had peculiar interests... does that mean I "feel like a woman"? I don't know, this will probably sound controversial, but I'm not sure if I even believe in gender. I believe in people; some people are more feminine, others are more masculine, and thus relate to one gender or the other. I think gender is HIGHLY socialized.
Anyway, I've been discussing estrogen being added to my hormone regimen with my endocrinologist, but I don't like the thought of growing breasts... Much like you said, change is scary. Although, when I felt like crap and was all dysphoric over being a "guy", change was all I wanted and breasts didn't sound scary at all.

When I was really deep in depression and isolated myself from everyone, I craved HRT like a crazy person. I wanted to be a woman REALLY badly and was sure I was transgender, I didn't want to live as a boy and had lost all interest in the world; transitioning was all I could think about. Time progressed, I started feminizing my appearance by getting rid of body hair, getting my mom to buy me girl clothes, doing laser on my face, started dating guys (the majority of them straight, so that's how much having boobs and a vagina matters), and now I'm at a point where I feel like nobody around me sees me as a boy, I never "came out" as trans, I didn't have any serious talks with anyone, but my change in behaviour was enough for my peers to realise I'm not really "male"...  Emotionally, these changes have brought me to a better place, where life makes a semblance of sense again. The peace of mind I acquired from getting off my lazy ass and walking towards where I wanted to be, made me not crave changes as badly, it made me feel stupid for the years I spent at home day-dreaming about the "magic estrogen pills" that'll allow me to live, because now it doesn't even feel like a requirement for happiness anymore.

I think your head is clouded in doubt because you aren't content with your current situation, but there's probably several factors contributing to it, so you're unsure of what exactly needs to be fixed. A lot of the things you say are typically "trans", but, that kind of rhetoric can also be heard from people who're just discontent with their birth sex and social expectations. My advice would be for you to start taking babysteps in the direction you want. Don't really worry about if you're a lesbian, a man, a woman, or whatever... start doing things to be what you're sure you want to be right now. There's plenty you can do on your own. If you procrastinate and think "not today, tomorrow", you'll be living dreaming of the future, rather than experiencing the present. Get your body waxed, or just go in the shower with a razor and make yourself all smooth. Try to pluck your eyebrows a little, add new girly things to your wardrobe, experiment... see if these things give you any confidence and how they make you feel. Not next week or next month, but, tomorrow? The sooner the better. Inertia really is your enemy!

I used to be on the path you're on, when I was 16 I became very reclusive and prefered my online life to my real one... For years that's where I'd look for happiness in. It got to the point where I had virtual boyfriend for two years and arranged my life around him... when he broke up with me, I was devastated and things hit an all-time low. However, shortly after, I started to look for people that I could actually meet in real life, people that would help me explore who I am, in a REAL setting, not in a chatbox. That's what set me on the right track, I got really commited and did everything I could to appear more feminine... Today I exclusively wear girl clothes when I go out, I talk freely about my feelings with people, I'm not afraid of sharing my emotions and thoughts, I got to see more of the world, I got to date the people I wanted and be how I wanted with them... Now I look back and feel horrible about the years I wasted obsessed with exploring my identity online, when I could've been myself around real people all along, without having to sit at home fantasizing all day about the life I wanted.

So yeah, don't piss years of your life away like I did. The world actually wants you, it's just you that doesn't want to be in it. Whether you're trans or not, that's up to you to decide; don't seek other people's opinions on the matter, it's too personal. If it's there, you'll know...

[JynxRosalie]

I really appreciate your responses. Like...massively. This is pretty much what I'm looking for on these boards. I don't want someone to tell me I'm trans because the only person that can say that for sure is me. But, I do crave advice on the matter currently. I'm looking more for how people came to terms with these things, and ways I can begin to come to terms with it myself.

And let me just say, shaving took forever...

For the longest time I wouldn't shave my body because I was scared of what my family would say if they saw. But as my girlfriend and people on these boards have pointed out....when is anyone going to paying that much attention to my arms and legs. So yeah, I actually did shave most of my hair off and it feels wonderful to not have to look at or feel all that body hair anymore. I couldn't stand having it. I've been watching for the last week or so to see how fast it grows back, halfway hoping against all odds it wouldn't.

(Also side note: OH MY GOD YOHIO....You have no idea how much I obsessed over and envied his looks when I first learned about him.)

For now I'm just voicing my concerns on these boards and looking at other peoples stories. It helps me put things into a better picture while I wait to be able to consult a professional. I know one good thing has come from this though. I'm a bit overwieght, and I've never been able to stick with a diet. Nothing could get me motivated enough to stay with it. However, since I started dieting to lose weight for a more slender figure (to look more feminine and possibly make any future steps easier on my body) I've been sticking with it pretty well. It's been about a month (which is literally a record for me) and I still show no signs of stopping, and might even be losing noticable weight already.

[Mermaid]

Yay, I'm glad to hear you're already taking steps towards where you want to be. =)

Edit: Any advice you need or anything I can do to help, feel free to send me a PM. I don't frequent the boards much anymore, sometimes weeks go by without me visiting, but I try and still have a presence. The reason I don't show up as much is because I don't want to think too much about trans-issues, it helps me to just be detached from the whole gender thing and feel "normal".

[Dee Marshall]

Keep up the shaving, Jynx. Stubble on your legs in bed is really uncomfortable! I'm glad you're finding your way wherever you end up.

[April Lee]

I keep getting asked by people in the clubs I go to: "Do you like boys are girls". But I always tell them it's the wrong question. I like people who can cry when they read a beautiful poem.

[StrykerXIII]

If it's wrong, hun, I don't wanna be right!

[Dodie]

Girl,
Nothing wrong with that.... seriously.  I don't know if you are on hormones or have already transitioned but you could end up gender fluid.. or some people are Bi.
Over the last 14 months of transition.. I came to not be sexual at all for a while.. still am sort of but starting to think men are hot.. OOPS.. hmm a real mind bender.. I was married 32 years to a beautiful wife but always just wished I was her or just felt she was so lucky.
Anyway, now I have become a woman.. plan to have GRS and plan to have relationships with men.  However, not sure but I could be Bi.. but for now have no desire to be with a woman.. it would seem strange..
Anyway, orientation is not important to me.. just being real and who we are is wonderful so enjoy the twists and turns.. you will figure it out and don't feel guilty..
Dodie

[JynxRosalie]

Well, I'm not on HRT at all. In fact, I haven't even had the chance to get in touch with a gender therapist at all because of my current situation. My state of mind seems to be fluctuating a lot lately, and it's leading me to ask odd questions, such as this one...

[Dodie]

Well its sure not an odd question at all.. you will figure it out.. I would not sweat it just be you.. that's all we can do.
Dodie

[Kristyn74]

Great question...maybe I'll ask my partner the same question maybe a  little different. It may turn on its head when it comes out as "Trace,did you know you're a lesbian?" Or "me being me,on hormones,makes you a LESBIAN!" Yeh that sounds better. Now the 'delivery' time to get the best response.
However it goes,the way I see it, if you're mtf and you've got a female partner it's just how it is.
I look at the question from different angles, a child may ask I want to be a grown up it will eventually happen give it time.perspective.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I know I had similar feelings, I had a special...draw to lesbians. I wanted to be one really bad, it wasn't enough to be a guy with a girl I wanted to be a girl with a girl. I think that's still my preference but I've sort of loosened my restrictions a bit now that I've gone full time. That desire to be a lesbian was one of the main things holding me back from dating the guy I am now. After awhile it seemed to matter less, but meeting lesbians still makes me happy.

[Jenna Marie]

Kristyn : You know your partner best, but my wife would not be amused. We're both bisexual. (She also tells people all the time that a transitioning partner doesn't change your orientation even if it *looks* that way to other people, so there's that. There are straight women who stay with trans women because they love them enough to make one exception.)

[Dodie]

Hey Jenna
My soon to be ex and I are so so close
Together all the time work together dinner every night I even stay over and we cuddle and hold hands
It's a special soul mate type relationship.
However she wants a guy and now I do too.
I would make an exception for her but she is like totally not into girls at all .
We gave been married 32 years and love will always be there no matter who we end up with.
I think I am a little bi but not too sure right now
Whatever will be will be
Dodie