dsyphoria and motivation

[kittylover]

The good news is that since I've been back on campus The fact that so many people are calling me the right name has given me a lot more happiness and peace in my life.The problem is that I almost feel like the only way I was able to motivate myself to transition is by threatening myself  with the possibility of self harm or suicide.  Now that I know I won't do that even if I feel dsyphoric I feel like I don't  care enough to do anything about it. I should probably try wearin g a binder again (my first binder was probably a bit small and nearly made me pass out in class from lack of oxygen ) but I can't motivate myself to try to get one. I should at least seriously think about T because my friend is on it and I'm totally jealous of his voice getting lower but I don't want to think about it. I barely managed to get myself to change my name on my college ID card. Advice?

[Contravene]

Have you been diagnosed with depression at all? I was officially diagnosed with it last year even though I've had it all my life and I've felt like what you seem to be describing. At my most low points I've felt suicidal and my dysphoria was really severe. The thought of suicide became like a personal ultimatum for me, I knew I had to change something in my life because the thought of dying was becoming more comforting than the thought of staying alive although I knew in my heart I didn't really want to die. Sometimes it would seem like my depression would lift but I was unmotivated and didn't care about much. Little did I know that unmotivated feeling was still being caused by my depression.

I finally was able to see a therapist and was prescribed some medication. I'm not 100% free of my depression yet but the medication seriously changed my life for the better and now I'm making more steps towards transitioning.

I definitely recommend seeing a therapist as soon as possible. If you don't have access to one then the next best thing would be to see a counselor or someone on campus who can help you. Most schools have someone who is trained in LGBT issues who you can talk to confidentially and for free.