Coming out to class mates

[AlB]

Hey all.

A week ago I started at a new school. I presented myself as a guy, and people haven't really thought that much about it it seems, even though I'm pre everything. There are about 40 people in my class, and we're divided into 8 study groups and it's going to be in those groups we'll be doing group work and such.
I only recently changed my name legally, so my girls name is still in the school system... I presented myself with the name I changed it to, which has had some people questioning some things, since that name isn't on the class list. Therefore I really want to come out to my study group. We're 6 people in that group including me, so it shouldn't be that big of a problem. I don't really feel the need to come out to my whole class, at least not for now. And, when we work in groups we have to add each other on the website so we can see the documents online, so my other class mates don't really need to know my name.

But the problem is, I really can't get the words out of my mouth. I've had a few chances to come out, but I just can't do it. I don't know why, and it's really frustrating.
I think they might have an idea of which of the names on the list is mine, but they haven't said anything. I've thought of saying something like "I'm transgender and therefore my name is not on the list. My name is ___ but I don't go by that anymore, and I've changed it legally so now I'm just waiting for the school to update the list with my new name. I'm just telling you so you can add me to the documents" or something like that. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. And I don't want them to make a big deal out of it. I've also thought of making a facebook post in our group, where only they can see it, but I'm afraid it'll be awkward the next day in school.

Bah, I have too many concerns. Help me clear my thoughts, people.

And btw sorry, if any of this doesn't make sense, I'm tired. Just ask if I need to explain anything.

[sam1234]

You are making perfect sense. Its one thing to want to come out and another to feel like you don't have a choice. If is the latter, go to a guidance counselor and ask how to go about having your name changed on the transcripts.

Long ago, I signed up for an accelerated LPN program. I had not yet changed my name legally, and although everyone knew the girl's name, I asked to be called by the shortened version of the male name I wanted. The male and female names were not even close and I made up the excuse that somewhere along the line someone started the nickname and it stuck. At first there were a few raised eyebrows, but they got used to it.

Later, When I started going to college for something else, I went to the registrar at the school and explained the situation in private. It was a community college, and they required everyone to take gym. At the time, I only had the top surgery, so gym wasn't an option. After I spoke with the registrar and my counselor, they let me opt out of gym.

So, if you don't want to come out, there are ways around it. If you do, then take your time thinking about how to tell them, how much to tell, and their possible reactions to your news.

Sam1234

[AlB]

You are making perfect sense. Its one thing to want to come out and another to feel like you don't have a choice. If is the latter, go to a guidance counselor and ask how to go about having your name changed on the transcripts.

Long ago, I signed up for an accelerated LPN program. I had not yet changed my name legally, and although everyone knew the girl's name, I asked to be called by the shortened version of the male name I wanted. The male and female names were not even close and I made up the excuse that somewhere along the line someone started the nickname and it stuck. At first there were a few raised eyebrows, but they got used to it.

Later, When I started going to college for something else, I went to the registrar at the school and explained the situation in private. It was a community college, and they required everyone to take gym. At the time, I only had the top surgery, so gym wasn't an option. After I spoke with the registrar and my counselor, they let me opt out of gym.

So, if you don't want to come out, there are ways around it. If you do, then take your time thinking about how to tell them, how much to tell, and their possible reactions to your news.

Sam1234

I have spoken to the registrar but they can't do anything but wait for my name to be correct

I also thought about just not saying anything at all and let them figure it out themselves, but idk. I think I want to come out. But I also feel a bit like I need to. My last name is very rare, and they'll probably notice that the girls name changed to a boys name but the last name remained the same. Idk man, it's tough, lol.

My teachers know I am trans, so hopefully I will be able to skip stuff like gym if we need to do that at some point.

[sam1234]

Gym is more apt to be mandatory in a community college.

There is no avoiding at least some people from knowing you are a transgender. To do that, you would have to fall off the map. When I moved here for graduate school, no one knew an my changes were all legal, so in a sense, I  had a second chance to start over.

I get the feeling that as time goes on, there is less and less expressed disgust and hate towards transgenders. Its probably more socially driven than what people really feel, but its a little better than being isolated and shunned by your peers.

Sam1234

[Mariah]

Depending on the Community college you might have other activities that meet the gym requirement without having to make it as evident that your transgendered. I know that I took golf and bowling where I went to kill some of those credits off.
Mariah

[AlB]

Thanks to both of you


I'm just wondering if it would be awkward if I came out to them on Facebook. We've only known each other for a little over a week, and I don't know if it's too personal to share that way... And if they have questions, I'm just afraid that it'll be awkward when we meet in school :/ But the whole name thing is really bothering me.

I was actually planning on coming out to them today in school, but I got sick so I didn't go..

[sam1234]

AIB,
Personally, I would think that putting something on facebook would open you up to people finding out that you might not want them to know. Telling someone in person of course risks gossip, but facebook has a wider reach.

Sam1234

[AlB]

AIB,
Personally, I would think that putting something on facebook would open you up to people finding out that you might not want them to know. Telling someone in person of course risks gossip, but facebook has a wider reach.

Sam1234

The group is private, so no one else can see the post. Or else I wouldn't do it over Facebook. I'd also prefer telling them in person. Something's just holding me back though.
Also, I won't see them until Monday, and we might have to share some documents during the weekend..

[Mariah]

Still Sam has a point and that is no matter how you do it on Facebook the affects could still be seen much wider. In the end it is your choice and down to what you need and want. In person is much more personal, but there are ways to still do it one on one on Facebook so it's still personal. I wouldn' think you would need to show the documents though. I certainly don't go showing mine to all my family and friends. I have had other poeple told on a few different occasions regarding my transitioning before I was ready for them to find out. In one of those cases it is likely I would have never needed to tell them because they live on the other side of the country and I haven't seen them in years. Regardless it's still your choice. Good Luck.
Hugs
Mariah

[alexbb]

"But the problem is, I really can't get the words out of my mouth. I've had a few chances to come out, but I just can't do it. I don't know why, and it's really frustrating.
"

too true.

that where instant messaging comes in. carefuly prepare your message, maybe with links to other successful MTF transition videos or to the neuroendocrinology of transgender people or whatever, and then push that return key. BOOM. its sent.
then you feel simultaneously more alive and more dead than you ever did before. then they reply, usually, with HAHHAHAHAHA NO WAY!! THATS AWESOME. and the dead feeling goes away and youre left feeling more alive than ever before.
expect a lot of laughter, a lot of hugs, a lot of tears. its the best thing ever.


I can only talk from experience but i felt not telling certain people and furtively going around hoping this person or that wouldnt find out was a tacit acceptance that I was supposed to be ashamed of myself. Like i was some kind of perv. I mean, if you get the flu you dont feel ashamed. why should this be different? Id already decided that particular train of thought which had lead me to such despair in my 20s had run totally off the rails so I just told literally everyone I could. Blanket coverage. Family and friends first, then everyone. 1500 direct facebook friends and anyone looking at my profile. Open with a joke, then heres the facts, i was sad, now im very very happy, itll take a while, id love your support, if anyone is in the same boat hit me up, otherwise deal with it. That was it. Changed my FB pic to the same one you see next to my name, with a link and explanation of my plans. It was a huge weight off. Many of the people I thought would be all like "wtf thats gross" were actually really really supportive. And a lot of people Id never spoken to before got in touch and said I had their support. Its been amazing.
i was worried my guy friends would think i was weak or something. But you know what, guys respect guts, and it takes guts, balls if you will, to do this. So a lot of guys are actually like, <not allowed>, fair enough, good for you. And then cos guys hate talking about feelings we go back to talking about movies or whatever!
life is 10000% better now. each day brings new challenges, but i feel i can take them in my stride. relationships with friends, family, work have improved. ive gone from being broke to being offered a 6figure job in Seattle, which i hear is a very trans friendly (fate??), which i put down in large part to feeling so positive and vivacious these days, not like my ->-bleeped-<-ty negative old self.
even tho Im basically a guy who wears womens clothes and is manouvering to get on womens hormones (and cant wait to be full time living as a gender not that of my birth)  something thats quite unusual, i feel like a normal person for the firs time in my life!
all the best to you, remember you can and deserve to be happy and life is short! enjoy!!

OH PS I should point out im in my 30s so can do what I like. I think to come out in school is fantastically strong of you, I admire you immensely, you are providing hope to other kids who are LGBT and upset about it, well done and the very best of luck with everything, you rule!!