Mirrors

[barbie]

"I have to do the right thing, or I won't be able to look myself in the mirror."

Shame is the motivating force behind being unable to look in the mirror in cisnormative thinking.  So how come I couldn't see myself in my reflection as a child without having done anything to be ashamed of?  Is it a transgender thing or another thing that makes me weird?  Thankfully, during my transition, the mirror has become less awkward to look into.  But this all got me thinking, what kinds of relationships do other transpeople have with their mirror?

I wanted to look pretty like a beautiful woman. In my teenager, I thought I look so much ugly in the mirror. I was surprised that my sister also said the same, although everybody praised her beauty at that time.

Nowadays I like watching the mirror. Sometimes I am enthralled by my own image. Actually I wear makeup to look sexy to my eyes, rather than other people.

Just ago:



To my eyes, I look sexy, but my friends and colleagues prefer my profile photo in which I smile.

barbie~~

[Emmaleigh]

Im 60+, and just barely starting this little trip. I have always preferred to not look in the mirror, except when necessary. That person has never ever been 'me', and I don't think Ive never been at least a bit surprised by the image looking back. I feel the same about photographs, videos, even my voice on tape. I don't 'primp', and I admittedly don't take a lot of pride in my appearance - I mean, jeans & a t-shirt have always been good enough. I spent 10 years in a 'suits' career, and found I really didn't need the mirror much if I only wore white shirts and dark-grey pin-stripe suits. My only concession was hand-painted silk ties that were definitely not 'masculine', and I could tie them without looking.
Oddly, for the 1st half of my life, I would often glimpse my mother looking back at me, usually fondly or sometimes in some 'knowing' way, just before reality kicked in. Then it became my dad, usually sternly frowning.  These days, I don't have the slightest clue who that greying pot-bellied aged looking person is. I know it's not me, I just don't have an identity for 'him'.
Ive always wanted to play in front of a mirror, to respond positively to that image. I wonder, from my reading, if I manage to continue moving forward, will this bit of dysphoria slide away? Or is HRT mandatory for that?

[Tessa James]

thanks for those fascinating images you all have shared.  I recall trying to sculpt that man in the mirror and getting him ready for ?  those roles meant work and other relationships but he always felt like a puppet and someone I groomed.  I could look out from those eyes but no one could see me inside.  Transitioning has gotten better and i started with being able to look at myself in the hazy reflection of a sliding glass door.  Like others i started seeing more of myself and glimpses of my mom or sisters.  Honestly it felt weird at first but now reassuring.  We use mirrors as tools but we interpret the image through the filters of our experience and imagination.

I'm just glad none of them have cracked recently

[androgynouspainter26]

I hate mirrors...I doubt I will ever reach a day when I look into one and don't see my mother's son.  Mine has a giant crack in it; I tried to smash it during an exceptionally bad bout of dysphoria.

[Cin]

I don't mind mirrors that much, but what I really hate are crappy cameras.

[Joanne Feliz]

I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore.  In my 20s i used to have long hair i would often pt them in pigtails and look at how I looked.  I could half imagine myself as a beautiful woman but then the picture would blink and I would snap out of my dream and I would see myself standing there. 

Othertimes when i had a nice wig and was applying makeup again I would see for an instant my inner self but when you are tired and removing the makeup all you seem to see is a tired, washed out person looking back at you.   

Now when I look into the mirror I hate what I see.  It is the cumulative effect of aging and increasing dysphoria that is adding fuel to my hopelessness.

I just hope if i start HRT i start to see some positivity returning to my reflection.

[Muffinheart]

First couple years at the start of my transition, I hated the mirror. Always found faults.
Now, six+ years later, I stand in awe.
Finally, I feel the person looking back at me is the same person inside.

[Obfuskatie]

I remember as a little kid I wanted to have long hair soooo much.  I'd use a shirt as a headband and flip it back while watching myself in the mirror.  Then I'd try my best to make a girly outfit.  I remember either having to quickly remove my McGuyvered outfit when my parents got home, or just getting frustrated and flouncing back to my room to redress.  I stopped around age 11, because no matter how good my imagination was, if I accidentally glanced at the dreaded mirror I'd have to see the difference between my imagination and reflection.

Joanne, I highly recommend HRT if only for its psychological benefits.  If you can test a low dose, it's more or less impermanent if you stop between 2 - 3 months.  Any breast growth can be removed if you choose not to transition.  I believe gynecomastia solutions would be covered by insurance.  But in any case, a Doctor and/or psychiatrist should be able to help if you open up to them.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[barbie]

First couple years at the start of my transition, I hated the mirror. Always found faults.
Now, six+ years later, I stand in awe.
Finally, I feel the person looking back at me is the same person inside.

Oh. It's a great story. You should be happy.

barbie~~

[Joanne Feliz]

I remember as a little kid I wanted to have long hair soooo much.  I'd use a shirt as a headband and flip it back while watching myself in the mirror.  Then I'd try my best to make a girly outfit.  I remember either having to quickly remove my McGuyvered outfit when my parents got home, or just getting frustrated and flouncing back to my room to redress.  I stopped around age 11, because no matter how good my imagination was, if I accidentally glanced at the dreaded mirror I'd have to see the difference between my imagination and reflection.

Joanne, I highly recommend HRT if only for its psychological benefits.  If you can test a low dose, it's more or less impermanent if you stop between 2 - 3 months.  Any breast growth can be removed if you choose not to transition.  I believe gynecomastia solutions would be covered by insurance.  But in any case, a Doctor and/or psychiatrist should be able to help if you open up to them.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Obfuskatie, sound pretty much like my childhood in some regards,  I never had long hair as a kid as my parents would always take me the hairdressers kicking and screaming. My parents used to send me to school in my sisters clothes though, i thought it was normal.  I loved the clothes though until I got kind of self conscious about comments people were making.

I see my psychiatrist in August, I hope I can get an earlier appointment.  I am worried if i say Id like to start on a low dose to see how things go he will not take me seriously and wont treat me.  Do you think that is a possibility?  They seem a bit funny in Australia about this sort of treatment.

I saw a hair specialist today Katie,  the doctor was very sympathetic after I disclosed my gender issues and prescribed me Avodart instead of Finastride.  He said 6 months on Avodart and my crown may not need hair transplants.  I really hope that will happen!!!  He also said he gets a few people come through his door wanting to transition and he was super nice to me.  I didnt feel at all like a social pariah.



Did you have any issues with hair before you started your transition?

[barbie]

Hi Obfuskatie, sound pretty much like my childhood in some regards,  I never had long hair as a kid as my parents would always take me the hairdressers kicking and screaming. My parents used to send me to school in my sisters clothes though, i thought it was normal.  I loved the clothes though until I got kind of self conscious about comments people were making.

I see my psychiatrist in August, I hope I can get an earlier appointment.  I am worried if i say Id like to start on a low dose to see how things go he will not take me seriously and wont treat me.  Do you think that is a possibility?  They seem a bit funny in Australia about this sort of treatment.

I saw a hair specialist today Katie,  the doctor was very sympathetic after I disclosed my gender issues and prescribed me Avodart instead of Finastride.  He said 6 months on Avodart and my crown may not need hair transplants.  I really hope that will happen!!!  He also said he gets a few people come through his door wanting to transition and he was super nice to me.  I didnt feel at all like a social pariah.



Did you have any issues with hair before you started your transition?

Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.

barbie~~

[kao]

mirrors are still a big issue for me I have been better since starting my journey but I still find myself looking at faults.  I used to describe looking in a mirror for me as looking out an window and having a creepy ugly guy staring back in at me making me uneasy and feeling unsafe, if that makes sense.  It is better know but I still see the old skin at times and I have to walk away...my partner says I look great but she is bias

[Muffinheart]

Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.

barbie~~

My hair grows like crazy, and I'll tell you my secret: wash only once a week. I've read in magazines that most people over wash their, removing essential oils.
When I use conditioner, I only do the ends, not my entire head, and I leave a little bit in.

Also another tidbit. Early on, thought as my hair was growing, I was going bald because I was losing hair. Did you know we lose on average 80-100 hairs a day? So when I brush out my hair, and lots of loose hair, I don't worry anymore.

[Obfuskatie]

  I doubt your prospective psychiatrist will mind, you have to start on a low dose anyway to make sure you don't have adverse reactions or catastrophic liver failure.  As long as you can express how you feel and what you want, I think you'll be fine.  You may have to see him a few times before you get any prescriptions however. 
  I'd highly recommend keeping a written journal and recording you thoughts, wishes, goals for yourself and you future.  Documenting your feelings and reactions to what life throws at you before August, will give you something to do, and may clear your thoughts for your appointment.  It's up to you whether you keep it private always or reveal it to trusted people, but you should start it after deciding as it will influence how and what you right.
  I have had a lot of issues regarding my hair.  Still dealing with them.  Sigh... Good thing is a good hairstyle/cut will mask most of my hair issues.  I literally wore a hat/beanie for almost two years whenever I had to socialize with people I wasn't very close with.  I still wear one every time I get frustrated with my hair or am having a bad hair day.  I don't think I'll be able to have the style and length I want for at least another year.  Rocking the pixie at the moment.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Obfuskatie]

My hair grows like crazy, and I'll tell you my secret: wash only once a week. I've read in magazines that most people over wash their, removing essential oils.
When I use conditioner, I only do the ends, not my entire head, and I leave a little bit in.

Also another tidbit. Early on, thought as my hair was growing, I was going bald because I was losing hair. Did you know we lose on average 80-100 hairs a day? So when I brush out my hair, and lots of loose hair, I don't worry anymore.

Hmm didn't realize it was that much.  There are special DIY organic shampoos you can make that lets you stop shampooing your hair.  The sebum from your scalp will apparently adjust to a different environment over time, and all you have to do is rinse it.  The people I've heard of doing this while not locking their hair had pretty short hair.  So I don't know if it's for everyone.  I myself shampoo every 2-3 days.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Joanne Feliz]

Yes. Probably hair is more important than HRT in feminizing our appearance. I also have worried about hair loss, and I see dozens of my hairs fallen in the floor every day. I take Finastride everyday, but I am not quite sure of its efficacy. Also Mynoxyl, and natural shampoo. I do not comb and become very careful when my hair is wet.

barbie~~

I just spoke with a hair transplant surgeon today.  He said that Avodart(dutasteride) is better than Finastride for preventing hairloss.  He recommended me to switch to dutasteride right away.  Also Barbie,  he mentioned that if you still have issues with hair loss you can take minoxidil(orally) in a pill form and he said that really helps a LOT.  In fact he was pretty confident i would not need hair transplant on the crown of my head.  Still remains to be seen if that is true or not. 

[Muffinheart]

Hmm didn't realize it was that much.  There are special DIY organic shampoos you can make that lets you stop shampooing your hair.  The sebum from your scalp will apparently adjust to a different environment over time, and all you have to do is rinse it.  The people I've heard of doing this while not locking their hair had pretty short hair.  So I don't know if it's for everyone.  I myself shampoo every 2-3 days.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Q: How much hair loss is normal?

A: "Hair loss in women is, to a certain extent, normal," says New York-based leading hair restoration specialist Dr. James C. Marotta. "The average woman loses between 50 and 100 strands of hair per day, even up to 150 in some cases." So don't let those stray hairs in the shower drain scare you.

"If you are nervous that you are losing an excessive amount of hair per day, you can try this trick: Take about 60 hairs between your fingers and pull, running your fingers through your hair.  Usually between 5 and 8 hairs will come out—this is normal. An excess of 15 hairs, however, is not as common and means you are losing more hair than you should be.



Read more: http://www.dailymakeover.com/trends/hair/how-much-hair-loss-is-normal/#ixzz3RWjeh3QI

[Obfuskatie]

Zomg I spend way too much money on my hair to just pull some out...


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[barbie]

Q: How much hair loss is normal?

A: "Hair loss in women is, to a certain extent, normal," says New York-based leading hair restoration specialist Dr. James C. Marotta. "The average woman loses between 50 and 100 strands of hair per day, even up to 150 in some cases." So don't let those stray hairs in the shower drain scare you.

"If you are nervous that you are losing an excessive amount of hair per day, you can try this trick: Take about 60 hairs between your fingers and pull, running your fingers through your hair.  Usually between 5 and 8 hairs will come out—this is normal. An excess of 15 hairs, however, is not as common and means you are losing more hair than you should be.



Read more: http://www.dailymakeover.com/trends/hair/how-much-hair-loss-is-normal/#ixzz3RWjeh3QI

Oh. Thanks for the link. It summarized well some facts on hair loss, but I am not yet relieved 

barbie~~