social name

[Ptero]

I took contact with a trans* association in my home town. One of the members answered my e-mail and his first question was "do you have a social name ? that is to say a name you picked and you feel well with".

Of course I often think I would like people to stop calling me by my birth name, which is undoubtedly feminine. But I can't imagine how I could get people calling me by another name. I think I'm too shy just to ask them to. And they would ask why and I don't want to explain I'm agender because I think most of people wouldn't understand.

But still, it would be cool to have a proper name (I mean a name that would fit with who I am) and I could use it with "aware" people, for example people from this association.

Do you think it would make sense to find myself a name if only very rare persons would use it ?

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Bienvenue, Ptero! Vous etres répetoiré comme genderqueer. Voulez-vous ete un homme? Avez-vous demandé votre parents que vous voudrais si vous étiez un garçon? Ça etait facile pour moi. Ou, ete-vous identifier au milieu?

Je m'excuse pour mon Francais cassé.

[Rachel]

Hi Ptero,

Absolutely, a preferred name is something that is ours and fits us. How you expand the use is your decision. If it makes you feel good then by all means have a preferred name. There is one problem, at least for me, I have 3 names I like and the one I like most is not the one I use presently. My chosen name helps to define who I am.

[Emmaleigh]

Obviously, we have a bit of 'reality shift' happening all the time. We are perceived & responded to as one persona, we feel a different persona. While one may not feel comfortable presenting one's internal persona everywhere, within a support group should be a safe and wonderful environment in which to begin. Even within that environment, it can feel unsettling at the first to be named differently than one is used to. But it can be an easy place to start. Not to mention, trying out different names, combinations, comfort levels, usages, pronunciations....

[Ptero]

Thanks for your answers 
(un merci spécial à Mugwortpsychonaut pour le français, c'est super chou !)

So, I think I'll try to find myself a name... Even only for a very short number of persons for the moment...

I don't want to use the name my parents would have chosen if I was born male because I don't identify as male (+ I nearly dislike that name even more than my current name...). So, I want a neutral name.
Sometimes I think a completely invented name would be the best because nobody could relate it to a boy or a girl they know. But I'm afraid it's already a bit weird to be called a different name than my birth name and it could be weirder with a unique name.
What do you think ?
What was it like for you at the beginning to hear somebody calling you by your chosen name ?

[cindy16]

Just thought I'll pitch in with my experience here.

When I first decided to subscribe here, and to make a 'fake' email account for this purpose, I just randomly picked a western-sounding name that came to my mind. I thought it would be easier that way to blend in here without revealing anything about who I am and which part of the world I am from etc.

However, over the last six weeks that I've been here, I've got used to people calling me Cindy, both on the public forums as well as in PMs. Also, despite my initial secrecy about myself, I finally figured that it was more useful to reveal my country (India) and have better context about my situation. It has also helped me connect with a couple of others here from my country.

If I do transition in future, I will most likely not use the name Cindy, as it wouldn't fit my socio-cultural background. But for now, I feel nice about it and treat it as my own name at least for the time that I spend on this site. Also, when I have this site open in a different (incognito) window and my regular email etc open on another, and I switch between the two, I have to remind myself where I am so I know which name to use.

I understand that choosing a name which is going to be with you for life, on legal documents, used by everyone you know etc can be a little daunting, but for names with 'limited use', I think one can freely experiment.

[ChiGirl]

There was an article about how the U of Vermont added "they" as a third gender and it highlighted the student who helped push it.  Assigned female at birth, but not comfortable transitioning to male either, they decided to go by "Rocko" as it was a nickname they had at one time. 

So there's an option.  An androgynous nickname.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

J'eu un nom dé scene depuis j'etait un garçon. Je m'appelle ça par certaines personnes maintenant. Si quelqu'un ne savoir pas mon nom de femme, je m'appelle mon nom dé scene.

Super cabbage? Am I reading that correctly?

[ImagineKate]

Kate is just a name I chose when I was crying and signed up here. I didn't want my birth name anymore.

Eventually when I started therapy on the forms they had me fill out they asked for a preferred name. I didn't put any because I was totally lost.

Then when I started the sessions my therapist (first one) said I should choose a name. I dwelled on it and then asked here. I chose Renee. I stuck with that for a while. I use that with the electrologist (who is trans) and others in the LGBT space. I also use that at the doctors office (it's an LGBT clinic).

I switched therapists and used  Renee. But this therapist helped me come out to my parents. My dad stopped talking to me but my mom is really accepting. So I asked mom if she would choose a name and I would use it. So she chose one (Rhea) and I decided that it not only fit better but it is also appropriate for girls of my national origin. So I'm sticking with it and going to file my name change paperwork this summer (after I come back from Korea).

And this is where I am now more or less.

Hope this helps!

[ImagineKate]

Another word about names - choosing one is agony! I am a parent of 3 and my spouse and I had to choose names for them. Well we only had one name - Veronica. And we have 3 kids (triplets). I remember the delivery room and the doctor asking if they had a name yet, and me saying no and panicking. So they named them A B and C. Then the hospital began hounding us for the paperwork and names over the next couple of days. We eventually had a brainstorming session and came up with 3 names.

So yes it's hard!

[Rachel]

When I go to group, the doctors, electrolysis, therapist or gym my preferred name is used exclusively. I think  nothing of it now. I would think it very odd to be called my birth name. I want to use my preferred name at work, perhaps this year. 

One time  went to my primary care and they had changed their computer system and I was called to verify my record by my birth name. I felt so odd when that happened and was a little hurt.

[Ptero]

Héhé, it seems that I'm a bit overthinking this name question as it's only like a nickname and I will not put it on official papers (by the way, Kate, I love your triplet story !!!).

I've had many nicknames through years, but people calling me "farfadet" (a kind of elf) or "cow-boy" with no particular reasons would be very weird 

It's, funny, MugwortPsychonaut, that you speak about a stage name because I'm actually a musician (but in classical music it's not so common to use stage names). Ah et oui, tu lis bien, "super chou" veut dire "super cabbage" mais dans ce contexte ça veut dire "super cute"

Interesting that for you, Cynthia, being called by you birth name was odd when I'm afraid it would be weird for me to be called by another name.

I think the easiest way would be to choose a short version of a name that can be both gender. Like Alex, that can be short for Alexandre or Alexandra. (But not Alex, because my most stupid cousin is called Alexandre...)
I also love the idea of asking my parents to give me a new name but... I think this will need time as they don't know anything.

Oh and because many of you shared how they picked a name for here, mine is short for pterodactyl which is my favorite dino

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Peut être sortir à votre mère et père premiere. Ensuite, ils peut réchauffer à l'idée et choisir un nom neue pour vous.

Did any of that make sense?

Merci pour votre patin avec mon Francais.

[Ptero]

Oui, parler à mes parents serait bien. Mais c'est effrayant. Je crois qu'ils seraient assez compréhensifs, surtout ma mère. Mais j'ai peur quand même (didn't say I was rational !).

By the way, your french is quite easy to understand except... was does the verb "réchauffer" mean for you ? same for "patin" that means "roller" 

[MugwortPsychonaut]

I'll tell you were I got "patin" in a private message.