I started to transition over a year ago and have always believed myself to be TS. I saw my GP, who reffered me to local pschyiatrists who then refered me onto Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic. I have always crossdressed, but have had a female Gender identity , in that my mind doesnot match my body. At an early age I told my parents I wanted to be a Ballerina when I grew up and wore an Alice Band. My mother prevented my farther from finding out. Later on borrowed my mothers clothes and progressed from their. At Primary School I wanted to join in the Girls in activities, Kiss Chase, So I was made an Honorary Girl by other Girls as I was a boy and couldnot join them.
Over last few years it has progressed to the extent that I have a wardrobe full of clothes, shoes etc. The intial eroticism has worn off me and it has been replaced with this pattern of dressing fully including handbag and shoes and wanting to go out in broad day light. I have not mastered going beyond the front door except on two or three nights. What stops me is my the fear of being 'Read', that I might not pass. Also I live at home with my farther and I have never told him. Although I did along time back in a letter, but never had any argument with over it or discussion.I was twelve and I tried to make an attempt on my life, but failed, because my parents wouldnot discuss it, and I felt that later on in life that I would not be able to cope being like this and the shame of it. I donot feel like that now and would never under any circumstance try again.
I started to take Hormones illegally, which I would not recommend anyone else to do, without Medical Supervision. I originally took them as a diagnostic test. I had read that if you are a TV that you stop when you are on Hormones, you donot like the changes that take place. If you are a TS then you take them, because the changes are right. (Simplistic I know their is more too it than that). I liked the changes that have taken place and would not go back to being Male.
Before Christmas I saw a Gender specialist at Charing Cross and was diagnosed as being a 'Dual Role ->-bleeped-<-'. The Definition of a Dual Role ->-bleeped-<- according to Bancroft is cross-dressing, with the desire to adopt the clothes, appearance and behavior normally associated with the opposite gender. For me it is not simply 'dressing up,' as I am a Dual Role ->-bleeped-<-.
The dual role ->-bleeped-<-, also known as androgynous, is like the transsexual except that the gender dysphoria is not strong enough to be debilitating. This type of ->-bleeped-<- feels relatively comfortable functioning in both male and female roles. Here all that has been said about the transsexual's brokenness applies with the addition that the dual role ->-bleeped-<- is more likely to reach a compromise to preserve existing relationships while still allowing some expression of the "other-genderedness." In some cases the compromise is to make a feminine gesture of sacrificing happiness for the sake of others.
From The ICD-10:
Dual-role Transvestism (F64.1) has three criteria:
4. The individual wears clothes of the opposite sex in order to experience temporary membership in the opposite sex;
5. There is no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing;
6. The individual has no desire for a permanent change to the opposite sex
Cross dressing: is the desire to adopt the clothes, appearance and behaviour normally associated with the opposite gender. For some it is simply 'dressing up' while for others, known as Dual Role Cross dressers, it is the need to adopt the opposite roll as fully as possible, on a temporary, or on a full time basis. Sometimes such individuals are medically referred to as 'Transgenderist'.
The Psychiatrist said that a solution for me would be to live as a woman in my home and personal life and retain my male identity to go to work. The problem me is that while this is a solution that is acceptable I know it won't be enough for me. I am now more confused than I was before and just want to stop exploring it, including the counselling, because it leads too much pain. While I would like to continue down the transition route this diagnosis is a significant block as I am not going to get any further help from the NHS. If I do choose to continue then I will have do things privately much harder. Now I am no longer sure that I am a TS because of the diagnosis which is confusing. Probably the only way I will really know is by doing an RLT. I donot want to give up the Hormones which the GID clinic want to me, because I like the changes and donot really want to back. What do others think ? Do I accept this diagnosis or continue further. The diagnosis is how they see me on the day. At the end of the day I have to accept it.
