As a lead in, I am an older transgender woman who, until recently had a completely repressed female side and did not know, or suspect that I had a girl inside until quire recently. I have been thinking back over my life and am beginning to see the cost of repression everywhere.
Back when I was first married (15-20 years ago) I tried for a number of years to stop and pick up flowers on Valentine's Day for my wife. I would always plan on going in and picking out something she would really like. "This year I'll do it for her", I would think. I would arrive at the florist with plenty of time and the best of intentions. But once there I would be overcome with a strong feeling of distress and feel really out of place. It would be so bad that I found I would need to walk out of the shop long before I could make a purchase.
I had the same feelings, a feeling of dis-ease, distress and anxiety, at other times that I tried playing the a romantic lead as a male. In the end I just gave up and decided to avoid the romantic whenever I could.
Looking back I think it was me trying to play at this strongly male role. At that time my usually completely repressed girl was making it known that she didn't want to be in the guy role.
Did any of you have similar experiences? That is, are there any of you who had a fully repressed/hidden female side, but can now look back and see how she affected your life through unconscious means?
