Not Sure what I am

[rockitraysay]

So, I just got out of my first real relationship and I've always been very butch lesbian. In my relationship I realized I didn't like my feminine features being talked about. I had briefly joked about ftm topics but it turned my partner away and so I stopped. But I like looking very masculine. I HATE my breasts, I want them gone. When I look in the mirror sometimes i just cry over them. I just bought a binder and I feel better about how I look but it doesn't cut it. I even finally decided to start calling myself a more masculine name and I love it. My issue is...I think I like being a girl. I like having my vagina but, I hate addressing it in sexual situations, I don't like to be touched. I like feminine pronouns. I'm so confused. I know that I want to get rid of my breasts and I like wearing boys clothes and I want to be referred to as handsome. I'm so confused right now and I'm not exactly sure who to talk to or what to do. I talked to one of my co workers who offered a listening ear when I talked to him about changing my name. He went through a transition FTM a few years ago. He was saying that what I'm dealing with, he went through but, I think I like being a girl. I'm not sure if i'm just terrified of making such a drastic change. I mean I guess I just wish there was a middle. I feel like both a girl and a boy sometimes. Changing my name and getting this binder has brought me some comfort but It's also hard to talk to my work about changing my name because I work with kids. And there are already these questions about my gender from the kids and how am I a girl if I look like a boy. Anyone have any advice? I just want to feel beautiful/handsome when I look in the mirror. I know everyone has insecurities and some people have lower self esteem but, I feel like this is something else.

[infinity]

hey rockitraysay,

it sounds to me as if you're discovering your gender identity. i recommend giving yourself time to figure things out completely before jumping to any conclusions or making any permanent changes. it's important to be patient, to do some research, to find a good therapist, and to be honest with yourself -- you don't want to rush into anything too soon.

you mentioned you like both the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself, and wished there was a "middle" between the two genders. well, good news, there is: non-binarism. one doesn't necessarily have to fall under a strict "male" or "female" label; in fact, nobody really does. i would suggest exploring the non-binary boards here at susan's along with doing some additional research on non-binarism in order to see if you share some similar experiences.

remember that no one can tell you who you are except for you. although it may be a lengthy and confusing process to finding yourself, it is worth it in the end. we're all here for support.

good luck and regards,
jackson

[Mariah]

Rockitraysay, Welcome to Susan's. It's wonderful that your now trying to understand your gender identity and sounds like you have a good idea of some of things you like and don't like. A therapist would be a great way to help sort through these feelings and issues and get a better feel of where you stand. It's very possible that you stand somewhere in the middle with one of the non-binary identities, which is great. I wish you the best of luck on your journey as you figure things out. Good Luck and Hugs.
Mariah

[Rachel]

Hi Rockitraysay,

Welcome to Susan's.

It may help to see a gender therapist. Mine is FAAB yet retains her birth name, has very short hair and dresses male. She is very masculine in mannerisms, references and thought process. My 1st therapist is gender queer, dressed feminine and wore makeup, had long hair, had feminine thought processed and female mannerisms. Both are fantastic therapists and provide very different forms of therapy.

My first and second therapists provided just the right forms of therapy when I needed it. And I am very fortunate to have had them. They helped me greatly in figuring out who I am.

[rockitraysay]

Hey!!

thank you for your feedback! I'll look into some therapists and do some more research!

[adrian]

Hey rockit,

I would also advise to just go slowly and find out step by step what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't. For me it was about a 6 month process to fully accept myself as male and in that time I went from "the boobs aren't so bad really" and "I don't care about facial hair" to "chop them off already" and "someone give me some beard!". It took me a while accept this and to grant myself the right to want those things, if that makes sense.

But this is an entirely individual thing. If you find that you identify as male but are not dysphoric about your downstairs, you're still male. You could also end up deciding that you feel more andro or non-binary. You don't have to have a binary gender. But also you don't have to want all the plumbing of what we would associate with "biological males" (it's a concept I don't like much) to identify as a binary guy. The plumbing isn't what defines our gender.

[cindy16]

Hi rockit,

Welcome to Susan's!
My story is somewhat similar to yours and to Adrian's, except it's from the MtF side. I cannot say that I have always been certain about my gender, about each aspect of my appearance or about all the steps involved in transition. Instead, knowing what exactly I would want is part of an ongoing process of self-discovery. For me, it's been just 2 months of conscious questioning so far, although it is the result of years of confusion and subconscious questioning, and I can already see changes in my attitude towards different aspects of transitioning, not just physical but also social like pronouns and stuff.
As others have said, talking to a therapist about all this will help a great deal.

Take care
Cindy

[DeanJulian]

Hey!!
I used to (and sort of still do) feel like that, kind of in the middle of being a boy or being a girl. I have not had any therapy, so I can't really speak from experience, but I agree with everyone who has suggested seeing a gender therapist, as it makes a lot of sense and sounds helpful. Anyway, sorry if this is not all that useful, but good luck, and I hope everything works out for you