Actually considering seeing a therapist... is it supposed to be this scary?

[Amy85]

   So for the first time in my life I am actually seriously considering seeing a therapist and talking to a person in the flesh about my problems relating to gender identity and how it's affecting me and what I can do about it... but is it supposed to be this scary? There is definitely a huge part of me that doesn't want to acknowledge (let alone accept) this part of me and I fill up with anxiety at the idea of being in a room with someone and saying the words "I've always wished I as a girl". There are different reasons to be worried too, other than the "what if I'm trans?" fear that would indicate that a transition is warranted (which I think it isn't outrageous to worry about considering how damn hard and long and expensive and nerve-wracking the whole process is) there is another fear... what if I'm not really trans and just messed up in an unfixable way? What if there is no way I can ever have  a healthy sexual relationship in my life? That's a possibility that seems very real right now. But I am really considering therapy because simply it is an option for me right now. I actually have some money I can use for it, and unfortunately that is because my father passed away in November and the money is some inheritance. I'm not going to have it forever and so maybe I should use a bit to focus on my mental health. There has been a lot of internet activism lately focusing on mental health and not letting yourself feel ashamed or whatever and neglecting it. I guess the message got through because I looked up an appropriate therapist in my city and actually emailed this morning to ask about session rates. She emailed me back while I slept today (night shifter ) and even mentioned a few days that she had openings. Suddenly this was seeming really real and I had a surge of anxiety, picturing myself there taking steps towards the monolithically frightening prospect of coming out to everyone in my life as transgender and henceforth always being known and seen as a man in a dress (I'm convinced I could never reach a point where I could pass). The silly thing is I know that all my friends and family in my life right now would be accepting even if completely surprised and in the case of my Mom would probably mourn her son and the life she had wanted for me. And even though my girlfriend is an amazing person and one of the most accepting people I have ever known... it's not unreasonable to assume I'd lose her. She signed up for a boyfriend, it's not fair to pull a bait and switch and expect her to stick around.

Did anyone else panic so much just about starting therapy or is this just a sign of what a hard road trying to deal with my gender identity issues might be?

[MarissaJ]

Hi Amy

Starting therapy can be a scary thing, but I'm willing to bet that you will be glad you did. Having someone with some expertise in gender issues can help you sort out you feelings and maybe alleviate some fears.  Another thing that helped me a lot was finding a support group. I went to my first support group meeting last week and met several trans ladies and just meeting someone who has gone thru transition was a great help. If you have a therapist who specializes in gender issues they may know of a local support group, or you could search PFLAG to see if they have any groups in your area.

All the best
Marissa

[Amy85]

I do happen to know that there is a PFLAG group operating in my area because I have a transgendered aunt who came out a year and a half ago and I've been hearing through my Mom (who has joined my aunt many times) all about it. My aunt and what she's going through has been an inspiration and in part is why I am actually considering dealing with my feelings rather than repressing them and distracting myself which is what I've done my whole life up until now.

[Emily R]

Hi Amy and Welcome to Susans,

You are very typical with all of your fears and concerns.  The fact is that I would rather not be transgender, life would be easier on me and my family, but unknown to me I have been carrying all of this inside of me for 60 years and I cannot say that has made my life miserable, but I know now that I would have been a much happier person if I had realized what was wrong with me and had transitioned much sooner in life.

I had my first one hour session with a gender therapist a month and a half ago, and I have to say, I have always been very reserved with all of my personal problems, but that first session it was like opening the floodgates, I barely let the therapist ask a few questions as I released all of my life internal emotional pressure.  The hour passed so quickly that I asked her if she had more time, which unfortunately she did not, because I would have continued releasing my emotions and after I finished I could not wait for the next appointment to talk to her.

Do I question myself?  Of course I do, as I said before it would be easier on the wife if I was just a crossdresser with occasional dressing up and maybe even going out, but I know now that occasional dressing is not longer for me.  I want to be and live the remainder years of my life as a woman, not only the good parts, but also the not so good.

I have received a lot of counseling  and support the the members as they all have gone thru the same fears, questions and second guessing that you are going thru and I still do, but we are sisters or brothers supporting and helping each others.

Feel free to ask here or PM me if I can be of help.

Emily

[Amy85]

Hi Amy and Welcome to Susans,

You are very typical with all of your fears and concerns.  The fact is that I would rather not be transgender, life would be easier on me and my family, but unknown to be I have been carrying all of this inside of me for 60 years and I cannot say that has made my life miserable, but I know now that I would have been a much happier person if I had realized what was wrong with me and had transitioned much sooner in life.

I had my first one hour session with a gender therapist a month and a half ago, and I have to say, I have always been very reserved with all of my personal problems, but that first session it was like opening the floodgates, I barely let the therapist ask a few questions as I released all of my life internal emotional pressure.  The hour passed so quickly that I asked her if she had more time, which unfortunately she did not, because I would have continued releasing my emotions and after I finished I could not wait to the next appointment to talk to her.

Do I question myself?  Of course I do, as I said before it would be easier on the wife if I was just a crossdresser with occasional dressing up and maybe even going out, but I know now that occasional dressing is not longer for me.  I want to be and live the remainder years of my life as a woman, not only the good parts, but also the not so good.

I have received a lot of counseling  and support the the members as they all have gone thru the same fears, questions and second guessing that you are going thru and I still do, but we are sisters or brothers supporting and helping each others.

Feel free to ask here of PM if I can be of help.

Emily

Thanks for the kind words, Emily

[Vanny]

Darling.  I have been considering the same.   Don't know what to think or feel.  Kinda cool feeling believing alive.

I can't wait to find out what I am, where I want to go and how to get there.   Terrifying thing is all the in betweens.   At least I am moving in some direction and sometimes forward rather than turning in circles hiding.  So beautiful taking In all this fresh air of discovery.  Good luck. 


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[JoanneB]

In an "Ideal" world there wouldn't be a need for therapist! 

So ideally, it should not feel scary. But it is. Fueled on by Shame and Guilt. It's bad enough actually thinking there is something this messed up with you. But to actually say it out loud to another person  Isn't there a better way... like trying harder with denial?

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Amy,

No need to feel scared, but totally normal.  I've been seeing therapists most of my life, but the first time I talked to a gender specialist, I was terrified. 

And all those questions you have are exactly the kind of thing a good therapist will help you sort out.

Good luck with your first meeting.  Hugs, and remember you are not alone.

[Amy85]

In an "Ideal" world there wouldn't be a need for therapist! 

So ideally, it should not feel scary. But it is. Fueled on by Shame and Guilt. It's bad enough actually thinking there is something this messed up with you. But to actually say it out loud to another person  Isn't there a better way... like trying harder with denial?

Denial may not be perfect but it (and super secret crossdressing) has gotten me through the last 20 years Problem is it does nothing to help with the relationship issues these feelings cause :/

[Amy85]

Hi, Amy,

No need to feel scared, but totally normal.  I've been seeing therapists most of my life, but the first time I talked to a gender specialist, I was terrified. 

And all those questions you have are exactly the kind of thing a good therapist will help you sort out.

Good luck with your first meeting.  Hugs, and remember you are not alone.

Thank you, that's very kind

[Cindy]

It is a bit scary, the unknown, talking to someone you don't know, the fear!

All of it scary.

The other side of the coin?

My therapist was wonderful, he helped me see me. He was non-judgemental and he helped.

I was a scared little man trying to wear man clothes.

Many years later, way past when I stopped therapy and was living as a very happy woman, I asked him 'When did you know I was trans? Was it when I came in female clothing?' his reply? 'When you walked through the door to my office on your first session, why else would you have come to see me? Clothing means nothing.'

Trust me, a good therapist isn't scary, just the opposite.

[Amy85]

It is a bit scary, the unknown, talking to someone you don't know, the fear!

All of it scary.

The other side of the coin?

My therapist was wonderful, he helped me see me. He was non-judgemental and he helped.

I was a scared little man trying to wear man clothes.

Many years later, way past when I stopped therapy and was living as a very happy woman, I asked him 'When did you know I was trans? Was it when I came in female clothing?' his reply? 'When you walked through the door to my office on your first session, why else would you have come to see me? Clothing means nothing.'

Trust me, a good therapist isn't scary, just the opposite.

Thanks Cindy, I've thought about it a lot and while the whole thing is daunting I realized that going to see a therapist and talking isn't committing myself to anything really, it's just talking. That's less scary, and so I'll use the baby steps method and just think about seeing a therapist once and then seeing what it's like and if I want to go back. Maybe it will just feel good to vent all this crap out in the open to someone who is obligated to keep my secrets

I emailed the therapist I like the look of and asked about booking an appointment on a Friday

[Arch]

I was terrified. When I finally got through on the phone, my voice was shaking so badly that he could hear it. When I started meeting him, I avoided a lot of stuff and even shut down a number of times and couldn't talk.

One reason I was so scared was that I knew that if this guy didn't work, I was through. I didn't have the energy to try someone new. I felt that he was my last chance.

I'm still here...

[AnonyMs]

I found it really difficult deciding to do it, and finally making the appointment. It took me ages. Once I got in the room though and sat down I forced myself to say was there about transgender issues as practically the first thing said. It was all so much easier after that.

[Amy85]

I found it really difficult deciding to do it, and finally making the appointment. It took me ages. Once I got in the room though and sat down I forced myself to say was there about transgender issues as practically the first thing said. It was all so much easier after that.

Now that I've pretty much made the decision to talk to a therapist the question that is stressing me now is how to even start on talking about all this stuff? Where do I start? Should I just print out the rant-like post I made here in my introduction and let her read it? It's probably going to be at least a few weeks until I can get an appointment so there's plenty of time to sort out what I want to say but I guess I should try and stay flexible too. She's the professional so maybe she will lead the way to the heart of the matter all on her own? I'm still nervous but now also really curious how it will turn out. Will I consider it a failed experiment and waste of good money or a helpful meeting of sorts, or the beginning to a healthier outlook on life... I should try and stay optimistic. She's a professional who will help me so no matter what eventually happens it will be for the better, right?

[Emily R]

Amy,

If you feel that there is a connection.     Open up your heart!

They have heard everything before and if he/she is a good therapist should not be judgmental, besides aren't you there to get help?  How can you get help if the therapist doesn't know all of your issues?

Emily.

PS:  I am a very private person but I went to get help and vented all of my issues.    _   Personal decision, as I believe that all therapist are not good 

[AnonyMs]

I just made sure I got out why I was there first thing. Get it over quickly - I rip plasters off too. I'd hate to sit there and not be able to say anything. I'd hope if you could at least say that then they would be able to pick it up if you got stuck, but I didn't have a problem after that anyway.

Perhaps you should look at it from their point of view. Its a job, they have seen hundreds if not thousands of people with all sorts of issues. You're not the first and won't be the last, and at the end of the day they are going to go home and probably forget it all. Any kind of professional is not going to have a big deal about your issues whatever they are, and it means far more to you than it ever will to them.

With that in mind don't worry about it. A professional knows their job and has seen it all before - they will make you comfortable and you'll be fine. Anyone who doesn't do that is not worth your time, and you can walk out of there knowing the fault is theirs not yours. Find another one if that happens. I know there's one in my area that I would have issues with, so its partly a matter of luck.

It was a while ago, but the first time I think I made a few notes on paper of points I wanted to bring up. Just in case I forgot anything or couldn't think what to say. I prefer just a few (as in 2 or 3) words that remind me of a topic rather than an entire text. I find if I write too much I tend to recite it and it doesn't feel natural. That could be just me though. I've done that a lot in later sessions, as I usually think a lot between them.

I think I also gave a big dump of information that first time. Partly to get it out, but also to give them something to work with. I did do that when I saw a someone else years a later, and in some ways it made it easier as its almost like talking about someone else.

You could print out the post, or write a new text. If you can't talk, at least hand them that. Whatever works for you is all that matters.

Good luck, you're doing the right thing.

[Muffinheart]

Over the years I've read of some who say they don't need a therapist to tell them who they are.
For me, it was the most important thing and the first step towards really believing who I was.
I bet, during the sessions I had, that the therapist talked maybe 10% of the time. So it's not like she's yammering on and on, but allowing me to open up.

[Amy85]

I just made sure I got out why I was there first thing. Get it over quickly - I rip plasters off too. I'd hate to sit there and not be able to say anything. I'd hope if you could at least say that then they would be able to pick it up if you got stuck, but I didn't have a problem after that anyway.

Perhaps you should look at it from their point of view. Its a job, they have seen hundreds if not thousands of people with all sorts of issues. You're not the first and won't be the last, and at the end of the day they are going to go home and probably forget it all. Any kind of professional is not going to have a big deal about your issues whatever they are, and it means far more to you than it ever will to them.

With that in mind don't worry about it. A professional knows their job and has seen it all before - they will make you comfortable and you'll be fine. Anyone who doesn't do that is not worth your time, and you can walk out of there knowing the fault is theirs not yours. Find another one if that happens. I know there's one in my area that I would have issues with, so its partly a matter of luck.

It was a while ago, but the first time I think I made a few notes on paper of points I wanted to bring up. Just in case I forgot anything or couldn't think what to say. I prefer just a few (as in 2 or 3) words that remind me of a topic rather than an entire text. I find if I write too much I tend to recite it and it doesn't feel natural. That could be just me though. I've done that a lot in later sessions, as I usually think a lot between them.

I think I also gave a big dump of information that first time. Partly to get it out, but also to give them something to work with. I did do that when I saw a someone else years a later, and in some ways it made it easier as its almost like talking about someone else.

You could print out the post, or write a new text. If you can't talk, at least hand them that. Whatever works for you is all that matters.

Good luck, you're doing the right thing.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and giving me your insights. And thank you for that last line. I didn't realize it until I read it but I really needed to hear (read) that

[AnonyMs]

Thanks for sharing your experiences and giving me your insights. And thank you for that last line. I didn't realize it until I read it but I really needed to hear (read) that

Good to hear that. Reading so many peoples experiences here I see that what matters most to people is different for everyone. I think this one is pretty much standard though, everyone says go see a therapist. There's a reason for that, which I never really understood until I did it. You'll know it too when you do.

I find it so easy to live in my head, thinking way to much without getting anywhere. Speaking to someone else helps break out of that, at least for me. And I've I've had a therapist say key things that really resonated with me, sometimes being the one thing that I took away from the session that I can later recall. There's more to it than that though, some human need to talk about our problems and to be accepted. It helps.

Talking here helps too - perhaps in part why I do it.

I also found that sometimes I can't resolve something no matter how much I think about. I never could work out if if HRT would be good for me. I over think things. I started because it was driving me nuts being where I was, and I wasn't getting anywhere after a year. It was so much the right thing its hard to describe, and no surprise in retrospect I couldn't work it out. The difference not something I could possibly know.

I forgot to say one thing before that I found important. When you go to that first session you don't really know what to expect, what to say, or anything really. You can't as its a new experience. It should be much clearer on the second and third and so on. You'll have thought it over and each one builds on the one before. The first is more likely an introductory session, and the only way to get the later ones is by going to the first.