I want to start HRT and have some questions.

[carsandsarcasm]

So, I'm going to start by reeling of my background info but feel free to scroll down for actual content.

I feel I'm ready to start HRT. I'm 24, biologically male, and and have:
- Experimented with crossdressing as a child to current.
- Attempted to convince myself that I was simply attracted to women, not envying them.
- Grown my hair long to appear more feminine.
- Considered suicide out of hopelessness.
- Been through a 5 or so year eating disorder as I somehow convinced myself I could starve into the body I want.
- Recovered from said eating disorder.
- Begun Weight training to build my lower body to create more feminine proportions (which has helped so much)
- Spent countless hours trying to find ways to feminise.

All of this in futile attempts to ignore, suppress, and deny what I probably should have accepted earlier on.

My eating disorder was a means of coping. It held me back for several years as it made me think I had a plan that would give me what I wanted. It meant I didn't have to think about my real issues which is what ED's are all about. Having recovered from my ED, I no longer have the disorder preventing me from having to confront the truth and the result is I've spiraled into depression due to gender dysphoria. It has made me think good and hard about who I am and what I want and that's why I'm here.

I've recently been reading a lot into gender dysphoria, treatments, therapy, stories, HRT, results, risks, side effects, legislation, etc. and I keep hearing the same thing; "hormones are great, my depression is gone, my dysphoria is greatly eased, and I feel happy and at peace." That is what I want. I'm mostly content with how my life is set up but the dysphoria ruins everything and I can't live like this forever. I relate a lot to most transwoman stories and the thought of what HRT could do for me has made me feel real hope and happy for the first time in years.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Actual content begins now.

My questions/concerns are:
Where do I literally start? Do I just walk into http://www.anzpath.org/about/service-providers/south-australia and say I'd like to talk about GD and options?

I believe HRT will seriously help me and while I'm not worried that I'm "not trans enough" or anything, I am worried that I'm rushing (I never make sudden decisions). I've only come to terms with all this over the last year or so and I don't want to make a rash decision. HRT is best done sooner rather than later, though, so I don't want to sit on this for years and self-doubt.

The doctors need to make me aware of things and do a screening but I'm still terrified of being denied HRT even though the legislation basically says that I can demand hormones.  Logic say to just be honest and nothing could go wrong but I'm not a typical person in terms of how I think (much like a computer, ruthlessly logical) and what I say (unemotional and often way too honest) so is there anything I really shouldn't say? If I screw this up I'm almost certainly going to go DIY or worse which I seriously do not want to do.

Thank you.

[Rachel]

Hi carsandscacasm,

I did an intake and was referred to a gender therapist. After a few months I asked her if she thought I was trans, she said yes. Then I asked her if I was ready to try hormones (when I first did intake and meet with her I was denied hormones because of suicide attempts) and she asked how I felt about taking hormones and after I answered she said I was ready. I asked if she thought I would ever go off hormones and she said no sweetie you will never go off hormones.

I recommend you talk to a gender therapist and sort out your insecurities and when you are ready go on hormones, if you are ready, go on hormones. Do not think you are ready. You must know you are ready.

Not trans enough, I do not think so.

[jeni]

Well, if it makes you feel less like you're rushing, I started seriously considering whether I could actually be transgender in late October of last year, realized that I certainly was the week after Thanksgiving, and decided that I was actually going to transition on Dec 8. I started HRT on Jan 20 of this year. If you are certain that you know the answer, there is no need to wait.

In your case, if you have any worry that the depression is affecting your judgment, going from zero to HRT in 3 months might not be wise. In that case I would definitely talk to a therapist for a while first. That's fine too, there is no need to hurry. Going years without deciding would be a mistake, but spending as long as it takes to be confident in your decision is a Good Thing.

Regardless of whether you talk to someone for a while before starting, from what you've written I think you would benefit from giving therapy a shot in any case. HRT is not guaranteed to resolve your dysphoria or to heal any mental or emotional issues you are having. It could very well help, it helps many people, but one ought to be realistic about her expectations and prepared for the possibility of disappointment. Curing GD by transition is a difficult process, there is no magic bullet that will make you the woman you want to be. You have to put everything you can into getting to a place where you are comfortable and happy.

[carsandsarcasm]

Well, if it makes you feel less like you're rushing, I started seriously considering whether I could actually be transgender in late October of last year, realized that I certainly was the week after Thanksgiving, and decided that I was actually going to transition on Dec 8. I started HRT on Jan 20 of this year. If you are certain that you know the answer, there is no need to wait.

In your case, if you have any worry that the depression is affecting your judgment, going from zero to HRT in 3 months might not be wise. In that case I would definitely talk to a therapist for a while first. That's fine too, there is no need to hurry. Going years without deciding would be a mistake, but spending as long as it takes to be confident in your decision is a Good Thing.

Regardless of whether you talk to someone for a while before starting, from what you've written I think you would benefit from giving therapy a shot in any case. HRT is not guaranteed to resolve your dysphoria or to heal any mental or emotional issues you are having. It could very well help, it helps many people, but one ought to be realistic about her expectations and prepared for the possibility of disappointment. Curing GD by transition is a difficult process, there is no magic bullet that will make you the woman you want to be. You have to put everything you can into getting to a place where you are comfortable and happy.

It's not that I feel unready, I'm actually very excited about beginning, it's that it's such an objectively short time period to have made such a large decision. On one hand I feel like I should think about this harder but on the other hand I'm quite sure the ultimate answer won't change so there's no point in waiting.

I don't think depression is affecting my decision. It has been since I've started seriously considering HRT and understanding the expected results that my depression has been less than I can remember. This is one of the factors that makes me more confident I'm making the right decision.

And thank you, but I have a very realistic picture of what to expect. I don't expect to be "cured" but I am very confident that what I can expect will greatly reduce my discomfort.


I think I'm starting to sound like one of those people who can't see the forest for the trees. I think I just need to take a leap and ask the questions direct.

[Mallory]

Asking yourself the right questions and reflecting on your past, how certain events and thoughts made you feel, can be just as beneficial as speaking with a therapist. Like you I'm incredibly and sometimes overwhelmingly critical and logical. I knew from the start that a therapist was my gatekeeper and I'm now 4 sessions in, my fifth being this Sunday.

Although I went into therapy with that gatekeeper mentality my therapist, by asking questions and offering affirmation and/or suggestions, has helped more than I expected. Its honestly been a win/win, but I do feel that Im losing patience. At my age, which ill be 30 on the 20th, you realize that #1 only you can make things happen for yourself, and #2 very rarely ever second guess yourself.

When I was 17 I was depressed, alone, and I cried. During that year I had a conversation with a female friend who was much older (late 20's) and asked her if she knew anything about sex reassignment and I told her that I wished I were a woman. That should have been it; I should have made the connection then and sought help. Instead, Ive been through 12 years of hell, 2 divorces, and I regret not going with my first thought.

But those experiences have taught me a great deal about who I am as an individual, how strong I am, and has given me the courage to fully conquer my transition.

Sorry for the rant. Off the beaten path a little, but the moral is simple: Trust your instincts, and although it may seem like a lengthy process you're starting 24 and not 30.

Ps. I forgot to mention that I started therapy a week and a half after coming to the conclusion that being a woman, that I AM a woman, was what I truly wanted. Objectively, I wasted no time and will reap the benefits sooner rather than later.

[Kristyn74]

Sent you a pm of my history

[jeni]

Asking yourself the right questions and reflecting on your past, how certain events and thoughts made you feel, can be just as beneficial as speaking with a therapist. Like you I'm incredibly and sometimes overwhelmingly critical and logical. I knew from the start that a therapist was my gatekeeper and I'm now 4 sessions in, my fifth being this Sunday.

Not to derail this into a therapy thread, but I find that, for me, having someone else to talk to makes a  big difference. I think it is having to actually think about and explain everything about an idea or problem out loud instead of being able to just feel like, "Oh, X Y and Z are obvious." Sometimes when I try to explain why they are so obvious, I realize they are actually not true. It especially comes up in terms of assumptions about other people's thoughts and reactions, which I very often realize are projections of my own worries.

I've been seeing a therapist (not a gender specialist) for more than two years now, and he was instrumental in helping me reach a point where I could identify and accept my being transgender. I came to that conclusion on my own, in the sense that I totally surprised him by coming in one day and announcing it, but I could not have done that without him.

[Eveline]

I believe HRT will seriously help me and while I'm not worried that I'm "not trans enough" or anything, I am worried that I'm rushing (I never make sudden decisions). I've only come to terms with all this over the last year or so and I don't want to make a rash decision.

If you're worried about rushing because of permanent physical changes, you might start with low-dose HRT and see how it makes you feel. 

[Mariah]

Hormones are definitely not an end all cure all for many, but I agree with Eveline that low dose would be a great way to find if it can help you when your ready. What it really comes down is why do you feel like your rushing this. Like many of us it sounds like you have been dealing with this for a good while now. Secondly the doctor's and therapist are there to help you. I know sometimes it can feel like they are gatekeepers and they are, but ultimately they are there to help us. The best thing you can do is be honest with them and be yourself most importaly. You will gain the most benefit and the best help that way. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

[ImagineKate]

I was told that after 6 months the changes become irreversible.

Low dose may or may not work. I did low dose and it was pretty effective. Think one pill.

[carsandsarcasm]

Thanks, everyone. There are some really helpful answers in here.

I think a lot of this may be coming from all this becoming real. Ever since I've become confident in wanting hormones I've been excited and those nerves are new. I don't usually have strong or persistent emotions at all so simply feeling something is strange. I see this as related to the new feelings of happiness and openness too. I feel more relaxed knowing that I intend to go through with it and that's improving my state of mind and my behaviour.

As the time goes by I find myself becoming more and more calm. I'm steadily collecting my thoughts and becoming sure of what I'm thinking (I'm not normally this sporadic or uncertain). I've been realistically playing out all the scenarios and long term effects of coming out, passing, body changes, etc. and I'm developing plans for how to deal with them. I've just been inundating myself with huge amounts of information lately which feels overwhelming but as I get on top of it, it's becoming more clear and manageable.

I made a call to the center last night but it turns out I need a GP referral which I plan to do soon. The center also told me I need to write the therapist a letter about myself and following that they would contact me. This strikes me as gatekeeper mentality but, again, I'd like to think that simple honesty should suffice. There is only really this one place to go in my city but I guess I can only ask.


Here is my biggest (and surely not original) concern and it's about coming out to work: I don't want to. That's not to say I won't as I have gone through how I would do it but I'm not at all interested in the opinions or thoughts of others. I would imagine I will eventually tell family and close friends and attempt to pass in public but I see no great reason to disturb work:
- In the 3 years of being here I have never needed to remove my jacket so with a reasonable sports bra I should be able to keep the physical changes under wraps.
- I don't intend to start wearing skirts and heels. I like comfortable and practical clothes and don't see why women or men need to wear specific clothes. Plus, I take no interest in clothes or shopping so the whole issue is moot.
- I'm not overly bothered by being called a man. Sure, female pronouns would be nice but it's not like being called "he" is killing me inside, especially from work colleagues.

Honestly, I would be fine to pass as a man at work as the feminisation is for me, not for everyone else. I don't care if no one ever sees me as a woman as long as I feel more comfortable, which I will. I realise this mindset goes against the spirit of everything but does anyone have thoughts here? Is it obviously a bad idea? Is it unreasonable? Perhaps this is something that will change in time and, as I mentioned, I could potentially do it but it seems like a huge effort for almost no gain and possible losses.

[carsandsarcasm]

Sent you a pm of my history

I really appreciate that and what you said was very relevant and reassuring. I'd respond but I believe doing so requires a post minimum. Thank you though.

[Kristyn74]

Ok I'm in the same boat endo told me of all the changes related with hrt and I responded with yeh getting rid of the and that anyway, but essentially I started with informed consent, then endo as doc wouldn't give me everything then endo asked me for a letter from a therapist, I suggested that's my biggest anxiety not getting the letter not being 'woman minded' enough and she was awesome suggesting that I've already come this far and would not like me to discontinue. To this I reached out asking for therapist recommendations here.
I suggested I'm a member here and I'll post for therapist in inquiry, she said to bring recommendation in and if I didnt have any response she would find someone. She did suggest Monash but said it had a few problems and currently isn't doing this sort of work at the moment.
Once my development is noticeable I'll wear sports bra in the future but am happy waking around free range at home.
Post done

[Tessa James]

Hey CAS your questions seem reasonable and you do sound practical so you can understand that you are not, of course, required to make any decisions about work and as you suggest your feelings about so many aspects of this can change.  Plenty of people here know how it feels to be out part time and the work place, even with legal protections, can be challenging.  Your progress and journey seems to be starting vey nicely with self acceptance.

[Dodie]

Well,
When I was 24 I had no internet and certainly did not know why I was like this.. in fact got married and had a family. At 30 saw something on TV and was like what!!! and went to library and found a book and started crying.. so happy I was not alone but upset that I would not be able to be cured to be a man.
Given ok to transition but did not do it and waited 25 years and here I am full time with boobs and FFS after only 14 months of HRT..

So why am I saying all this.. you are fortunate to have choices..If it were me.. I would look at banking sperm in case you want kids one day.  You see, I did get to raise a family even though I lived with this every day.
Now I am cured..
To know yourself is the key.. find a good therapist and be honest.  It may take a few months but once your diagnosed you will be given the scripts.
From what you have said sounds like to me you may be trans.. I will never forget the day I finally accepted that I am female in therapy and embraced it.. embraced myself.. it was so awesome then scary.
So sweetie good luck and be good to yourself ok?
Dodie