I apologize for the super-lengthy message below. It comes from the bottom of my heart, if anyone in a similar situation as Charlie the poster and moi, dares read it in its entirety, I will appreciate it very much.
(To Charlie): Your parents sound exactly the same as mine: a bigot, volatile, verbally abusive, bully, Catholic-religion-zealot mother and a transphobic father, 100% macho-minded, who is way less stifling and asphyxiating as my nasty mother, but WHEN he opens his mouth, to express his opinion about my being transgender, he hurts me even more than mother, because he basically says that I am too tall, big, ugly and manly to ever become a woman, and he even laughs at the very idea and acts sarcastic. At least my biased mother has never laughed about it, she acts the opposite, extremely depressed and concerned, because she is less blind-sighted than dad, and she has been able to see the changes in my body and personality, and, by her facial expression and behavior, it is pretty obvious that she is totally repulsed by such changes, and she feels 100% embarrassed socially, by my very existence. And my already having two sisters, very similar in personality to my mother, doesn't help me at all, it is actually an added roadblock for me.
But I AM EVEN WORSE OFF THAN YOU, because I HAVE TO live with them. Yes I am a grown adult with a useless college degree and fully bilingual, but I have to live with them for several personal reasons that are out of the scope of this thread.
So just picture my situation: in July this year, it will be my 6th anniversary since I started transition/HRT. I had bilateral orchiectomy the 15th month since starting HRT, as well as Adam's Apple removal, because that was all I could afford while maxing out my credit card, but I actually wanted SRS. And yet, they both (my folks) still address me as a man, call me by the birth name they assigned for me, which I utterly hate, on a daily basis, several times a day. I feel like they are stabbing me right in the heart when they do that, but my mother actually seems to enjoy doing that, immensely.
Due to controlled medicine abuse, my dad suffers from dementia since a few years ago. That happened because of the extreme verbal abuse that my mother has bombarded him with for decades. So now I have to take care of him, otherwise she will abuse him even more, both psychologically and financially. Long boring story. But dad needs me, and actually "she" (mother) needs me too, to deal with him when he has some extreme dementia episodes. Also, I am not financially independent so I need them to provide with food and shelter for me. Thankfully, my BF provides for my HRT expenses, and he also helps me with wardrobe and others.
Obviously, none of them (parents) allow me to be myself "under their roof", or when I am out with them, specially my mother. So I have to "sneak out" as myself, hiding from them. I am by no means a naturally-passable transwoman, all the contrary, so trying to pass in public is such a big feat for me, and I also have to add to that issue, my having to sneak out from both my parents, change from dressing and acting "male" in front of them, to the opposite in pubic, all by myself and in hiding. Not an easy thing to accomplish, at all.
So how do I cope with all this? Physical exercise, specially aerobic dance (produces endorphines, natural feel-good drug) and other exercises mostly for my lower body, as well as stretching exercises. I also do play some cool mind-exercising games on my smart phone. Listening to music I like, on my smart phone, laptop, etc., either with speakers or headphones, is one of the things that relieves me from stress the most. Watching funny sitcoms and movies, or interesting movies about unusual people or people who struggle a lot to become themselves against all odds, is something I enjoy too, which helps keep my mind off the problems with my mother's nasty character. Since my dad's health and muscle tone were going down the drain because of the verbal abuse he's been subjected to, since many years ago, I now do a workout routine with him, day on day off if possible, to keep him fit and have a little distraction from the abuse he suffers every day from my mother. And he feels very happy and invigorated when we do it, I can see it in his face, even though I have to put up with his treating me as a male. But seeing him improve in both his physical and emotional condition, is worth it to me.
I also started taking SSRI medicine every day since a few months ago (same one my dad has been taking for more than a year now, prescribed by his shrink and even his family doctor as well), and it has helped me a lot, to be less apprehensive and put up with my mother better, as well as my social fears. I even have a big laugh when I get those nasty morning leg cramps, instead of crying!!!
And of course, having an understanding BF, who, unfortunately, my parents will never ever be aware of, even if I eventually marry him as a woman, has helped a lot. In fact it has prevented me from terminating myself. Having some supportive TS friends, I mean REAL FRIENDS, which I can count with half the fingers of one hand (very, VERY difficult to come by) has also helped keep me going.
Bottom line: if i was as privileged as you are, to be able to not having to live with my folks, I'd simply establish some boundaries and rules, in a letter/email to them, where you'd tell them you love them and miss them very much, but if they cannot accept you for who you really are, then it is impossible for you to keep on dealing with them, because your health, both mental and physical, is at stake BIG TIME. Ask them to at least try to document themselves about gender dysphoria, about transgender people, so they may open their eyes a little bit and maybe both you and they can compromise and stop hurting each other when you communicate.
I wish the very best for you, as you can see there are people even worse off than you, but there are ways to cope with it, like exercise, good understanding friends, and ultimately, depression medicine.
Cheers
Bibi B.
Quote from: SurlyCat on February 19, 2015, 03:51:05 AM
Hi,
So I recently came out to my very unsupportive parents, again, just to tell them that I was going to start transitioning and there's nothing that can be done to change that.
I don't live with them, I live a couple hundred miles away, but my mum is totally obsessed with me and my life, and still has always tried to control me from afar. If I ever met with them I would have to dress like a girl, make up and all, else my mum would go into a several day, if not weeks, long rage. I don't doubt that my parents love me, and have done their best for me in the way they know how, which makes this harder.
I'm now getting texts basically filed with abuse, telling me I've "committed them to live in hell", that I've destroyed them, and that transitioning won't make me happy.
While I have a big support network, I'm still really struggling with this situation, can anyone offer any coping tips? I'm currently just generally not replying but feeling very guilty about it.
Thank you
Charlie
