I realised I was trans on October 7th last year (yeah, I know the exact date), 3 months ago, and this is the first time in that time that I actually wished I wasn't transgender, I just want to be happy in my own skin, if I could be happy as a male - which I know is impossible, I would take it right now. The last few months have been constant ebbs and flows of being content as a male (which still knowing I'm transgender deep down) and wanting to end my life (I would never actually do so, but it actually hurts that I am not female). I know this feeling is never going away, I just wish things were easier.
I've been used a lot of crutches (alcohol, casual sex, belittling other people, eating really unhealthy) to cope with being transgender - while I wait to be referred, and while I'm trying to accept this and make reversible changes (such as laser therapy, counselling, look for wigs, dressing female and wearing women's underwear wherever possible) none of it actually works, it does distract me from the pain I'm feeling. Even if it does distract me, all it takes is seeing a beautiful female or another trans person further in their transition than me, to bring all those bad feelings back.
Feel free not to reply, I'm just ranting, just wish things were more straightforward, I know for a fact if I tried to ignore the truth of me being trans, I'd just end up hating myself more and doing further damage pyshologically