What are you thinking? 10.0

[Sephirah]

I realised I was trans on October 7th last year (yeah, I know the exact date), 3 months ago, and this is the first time in that time that I actually wished I wasn't transgender, I just want to be happy in my own skin, if I could be happy as a male - which I know is impossible, I would take it right now. The last few months have been constant ebbs and flows of being content as a male (which still knowing I'm transgender deep down) and wanting to end my life (I would never actually do so, but it actually hurts that I am not female). I know this feeling is never going away, I just wish things were easier.

I've been used a lot of crutches (alcohol, casual sex, belittling other people, eating really unhealthy) to cope with being transgender - while I wait to be referred, and while I'm trying to accept this and make reversible changes (such as laser therapy, counselling, look for wigs, dressing female and wearing women's underwear wherever possible) none of it actually works, it does distract me from the pain I'm feeling. Even if it does distract me, all it takes is seeing a beautiful female or another trans person further in their transition than me, to bring all those bad feelings back.

Feel free not to reply, I'm just ranting, just wish things were more straightforward, I know for a fact if I tried to ignore the truth of me being trans, I'd just end up hating myself more and doing further damage pyshologically

Just ranting is good for the soul, sweetie. Better out than inside, festering.

I think that's the one wish we all ultimately strive for. To be happy in our own skin. It seems such a simple thing. Something most take for granted.

I wish things were easier for you, too, Sinead. And that you weren't going through this. For what it's worth I do believe you'll get to where you want to be. And I believe in you. Hang in there, okay?

*extra big hug*

[Christy Lee]

Thinking about actually doing it, starting my journey to become female, it feels good, it feels unreal still, it feels like my male tendencies are trying to fight maybe? idk but its the closest ive ever gotten, and over the past 2 weeks or so the most i have thought about actually becoming a girl..... ive been pretty obsessed with it actually

With that train of thought in mind ive been looking at woman, ie how they sit, stand, pose, sleep (sleeping positions i mean) etc and whenever i try to mimic them (In private), it just feels so right..... OMG i feel happy like genuinely happy... something i havent felt for quite along time trying to make myself feel more feminine which also makes me happy weirdly happy.....

ive also been thinking about my father, and how i felt as a child maybe he was trying to stop me from being myself? any signs he saw that i might be trans, he would try to encourage me to be more of a boy and also how that made me feel

[Cassi]

Thinking about actually doing it, starting my journey to become female, it feels good, it feels unreal still, it feels like my male tendencies are trying to fight maybe? idk but its the closest ive ever gotten, and over the past 2 weeks or so the most i have thought about actually becoming a girl..... ive been pretty obsessed with it actually

With that train of thought in mind ive been looking at woman, ie how they sit, stand, pose, sleep (sleeping positions i mean) etc and whenever i try to mimic them (In private), it just feels so right..... OMG i feel happy like genuinely happy... something i havent felt for quite along time trying to make myself feel more feminine which also makes me happy weirdly happy.....

ive also been thinking about my father, and how i felt as a child maybe he was trying to stop me from being myself? any signs he saw that i might be trans, he would try to encourage me to be more of a boy and also how that made me feel

I've experienced the same feelings myself so I wish you the best.

While I enjoy my fem self in the privacy of my home, I dream of the day when I can walk the dogs, go to the store or just be me outside. 

The HRT should be very supportive of this desire and goal.

Best

Cali

[Christy Lee]

That song is kind of my anthem. It's one I turn to again and again through every difficult and scary thing I've ever done, or had to go through since discovering it. For me it applies to pretty much all parts of the journey of self-discovery, as well as many other things in life. Be that coming to terms with who I am, who I can be, facing a sometimes hostile world, all the times I've wanted to hide away, or give up.

I think that every single person who questions, and dares to look inside themselves for answers... who faces the truth inside... I think they embody those lyrics. Wherever their path may lead. And that includes you, sweetie.

*hugs back*

Sorry for the late reply to this

but tonight reminded me of a song that ive always used through my self discovery, not dealing with self discovery (not wanting to deal with it), coping with grief and loss, not coping with grief and loss, ie whenever ive ever gotten too overwhelmed by it all i always go back to this song and that song is we'll actually there are 2 songs

Christina Aguilera - Hurt
Kelly Clarkson - Cry

I find them so relateable, and when i get to that overwhelmed state, i just like to use these songs to process that raw emotion and channel it to use as a coping mechanism i guess and that always seems to make me feel better but invariable then i go back to hiding heh...

I've experienced the same feelings myself so I wish you the best.

While I enjoy my fem self in the privacy of my home, I dream of the day when I can walk the dogs, go to the store or just be me outside. 

The HRT should be very supportive of this desire and goal.

Best

Cali

Im still at that still trying to process everything, little own to think about going out as a girl    ........ i still need to tell my mum who i still live with :s to even begin to think about doing that

[Sinead]

I want boobs. I want boobs really badly. I desperately want boobs. I need to have boobs

[Dee Marshall]

I truly believe that transition has made me a happier person. Life, however, has taken that as a challenge and is finding every conceivable may to upset me.

The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.

[Lizzeh]

If dog's could make music, I bet it would be ska.

[Allison S]

Tomorrow's going to be an important day. I can't make calls on my phone but it won't stop me from doing what I need to do.

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[V M]

Hoping my new glasses will be ready soon

[Shambles]

Where i could be in 5 years from now, and the many possiblilties that might stop or divert the path. Happy and sad at the same time

[V M]

I'm terrible    Last Sunday a neighbor was talking about how worn they were from going to church all day

So I asked them "Haveth thy butt... Lag?"  I guess they didn't take to my sense of humor very well because they haven't talked to me since and just give me dirty looks 

What's worse is that I think it's funny LOL

[Allison S]

I don't think I can take being in "guy" mode anymore. People already are treating me differently- I'm only hiding from myself
That's what hurts the most honsestly. What I've done to myself by denying and surpressing my identity
Sorry for being depressing..

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[Christy Lee]

Thinking about Life  and obstacles that get thrown in your way

My father passed away when i was 19, i think if that didnt happen and he was still alive, i would already be a girl, but i also think i would have lost him, he has alot to do with my somewhat transphobic views that i have had which have also prevented me from becoming a girl sooner, infact if it wasnt for his transphobic views (or atleast thats the light i saw him in most of the time) i would have done it sooner than 19 i think

Because ive always kinda felt like i would not have a father cus he always seemed to discourage me from doing anything sort of girly, like if he saw me on the odd occasion if he saw me sitting down to pee, or i have very early memories of wanting to use public female toilets, not cus i was a perv, just cus it felt right (I was young, likee one of my earliest memories, i can remember an instance like it feeling right to use girls toilets), i always remember him really discouraging me from that, like it seemed like in a negative way, just he always seemed to try to encourage me to be a boy as much as he could like maybe he knew or had a feeling about me in that way?

Ive also mentioned other things in previous threads, that im thinking about which also relates to me not having done it sooner ie Other Obstacles

[V M]

Thinking about actually doing it, starting my journey to become female, it feels good, it feels unreal still, it feels like my male tendencies are trying to fight maybe? idk but its the closest ive ever gotten, and over the past 2 weeks or so the most i have thought about actually becoming a girl..... ive been pretty obsessed with it actually

With that train of thought in mind ive been looking at woman, ie how they sit, stand, pose, sleep (sleeping positions i mean) etc and whenever i try to mimic them (In private), it just feels so right..... OMG i feel happy like genuinely happy... something i havent felt for quite along time trying to make myself feel more feminine which also makes me happy weirdly happy.....

ive also been thinking about my father, and how i felt as a child maybe he was trying to stop me from being myself? any signs he saw that i might be trans, he would try to encourage me to be more of a boy and also how that made me feel

Have you considered that maybe you already are and always have been a girl but your feelings were suppressed due to the oppression attributed to your surroundings? 

I've experienced the same feelings myself so I wish you the best.

While I enjoy my fem self in the privacy of my home, I dream of the day when I can walk the dogs, go to the store or just be me outside. 

The HRT should be very supportive of this desire and goal.

Best

Cali

You can and will get there, we are all sisters in this together

Hugs

[Christy Lee]

Have you considered that maybe you already are and always have been a girl but your feelings were suppressed due to the oppression attributed to your surroundings? 

You can and will get there, we are all sisters in this together

Hugs

The thought, has crossed my mind

[Sarah_P]

I don't think I can take being in "guy" mode anymore. People already are treating me differently- I'm only hiding from myself
That's what hurts the most honsestly. What I've done to myself by denying and surpressing my identity
Sorry for being depressing..

I know how you feel, which is why I'm going full time in the next week or so. The 2 coworkers I hadn't told (there's only 5 of us total) already figured it out anyway. Most likely a lot of others already have, too.
How are people treating you differently? Are they friendlier, more likely to chat with you? Or are they avoiding you? If the later, I can see why it would be depressing, but if it's the former, I'd say be happy! Your true self is shining through!

[Michelle_P]

I don't think I can take being in "guy" mode anymore. People already are treating me differently- I'm only hiding from myself
That's what hurts the most honsestly. What I've done to myself by denying and surpressing my identity
Sorry for being depressing..

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Oh, Allison!  I went through that the last few months before I went full-time.  Back then, I could only be myself out of the house, and when at home I had to present as male.  Changing to male presentation plunged be right to the deep dark bottom of depression, and I found myself curled up on the office couch crying for a half hour or so before I got the strength to walk into the hallway with male presentation.

I'm thinking that 16 months later I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life, and am discovering more about myself every day as I come to accept my womanhood.

[V M]

Should I feel guilty for using kosher salt to season a pork chop?

[Allison S]

I know how you feel, which is why I'm going full time in the next week or so. The 2 coworkers I hadn't told (there's only 5 of us total) already figured it out anyway. Most likely a lot of others already have, too.
How are people treating you differently? Are they friendlier, more likely to chat with you? Or are they avoiding you? If the later, I can see why it would be depressing, but if it's the former, I'd say be happy! Your true self is shining through!

That's great! Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to.
And yeah they are friendlier and more polite, I think? I guess I'm the same, people/coworkers are noticing

Oh, Allison!  I went through that the last few months before I went full-time.  Back then, I could only be myself out of the house, and when at home I had to present as male.  Changing to male presentation plunged be right to the deep dark bottom of depression, and I found myself curled up on the office couch crying for a half hour or so before I got the strength to walk into the hallway with male presentation.

I'm thinking that 16 months later I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life, and am discovering more about myself every day as I come to accept my womanhood.

I know what that's like. I really don't even like makeup (it does help) much but knowing I have to go into "guy mode" is terrible. The clothes, short hair, shoes and most importantly people seeing me as a guy. It really sucks. What hurts is that this is still how I appear to people.

I'm glad to hear you're happy and moving forward in a positive way! Isn't that all we can ask for? I'm excited for what's to come for both of us [emoji4]

Should I feel guilty for using kosher salt to season a pork chop?

Never feel guilty for using any type of salt!

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[Megan.]

Life is treating me well right now, just enjoying the ride [emoji4].

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