I'm scared...

[Valleyrie]

As much as I like to tell myself I'm not scared of anything, I have many fears. I'm scared I'll always be alone. It seems like since I was in hospital I've lost all my 'friends'. It's like no one wants to talk to me any more and that it'd be okay if I ever just disappeared. I know that may not be entirely true but it's how I feel. I'm scared hrt won't do anything to me. It's my only hope and the only reason why I cling on to life everyday in hopes that maybe one day things might get better and that I'll one day be able to wake up without having to constantly battle my depression and anxiety.

I'm scared that one day I'll be physically traumatized or even killed just for being who I am. I'm scared that I'll never get a job; that I'll never be able to return to study. I'm scared of walking this path alone. I'm scared of things never getting better. But most of all, I hate myself. Why...? I've never done anything bad. I've always been a very friendly and compassionate person. Never hurting anyone, always thinking before I do. But yet, here I am. I still suffer every day for the past 6 years. I try, I really do. I try attending groups, meet-ups, events for different things yet I still remain alone. I used to be such a strong person with a 'never give up' attitude but the more this goes on the more I realize just how hopeless and helpless I am.

It saddens me deeply, it really does. I don't want to give up. I don't want to kill myself. I want to live and be happy and wake up content with myself for once. I'm scared that I'll never be free of this nightmare I call depression. I attempted suicide about 2 months ago and was almost successful but was somehow found and saved before I could do so. To this day I still wonder how and why. I took pre-cautions to make sure I wasn't found and yet I still was. I was in complete disbelief and shock when I was. I just want everything to stop. I want my mind to just stop. I hate living like this, this isn't even living. All I do everyday is listen to music and try to keep myself occupied just so that I can make it to my 18th birthday.

I've been out of school for over 2 years now and have not done a single thing since. I had no friends then and I have none now. It's like I try for no reason. I feel so different to everyone, even to people who also suffer from depression and anxiety. Even though they may suffer from mental illnesses they still have themselves. They're content with their gender and have someone to call their own. Someone to make their life worth living. I know that's a huge generalization but it's been my experience so far and I always get jealous and hateful (not towards them, but towards myself).

I've done everything I could with what I have in terms of transitioning but I've been stuck in this endless cycle for almost 2 years now since I came to the realization I'm trans, just waiting to start hrt. I'm mostly scared that hrt won't do anything for me and that I'll never be content with what seems only part of who I am. I pass as female already yet it's not enough. It's not about passing or being accepted by others to me. It's about my inner hatred towards myself and many things in this life. I can't accept myself, I can't stop blaming myself. Why do I blame myself? I didn't choose any of this or have done any wrong to deserve this yet I still do.

When will this end... does it ever end? I'm scared of finding that out and I'd rather not. Every time I try looking into my future I see nothing but complete darkness. Nothing. It scares me because I feel like one day I really will be successful in ending my own life. I feel like I've given up on keeping my hopes up about anything. It's hard because I really do enjoy the closeness of other humans but lately I've been trying to come to terms that maybe I really am truly a loner. To die just like how I lived - alone.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs - fear is a very common reaction to the unknown. For trans people there is a lot of that. I would urge you to focus on now, the future is too far away and to nebulous and gives rise to fears and uncertainty. The thing to remember is that you cannot do this by yourself - we often need help to get through the dark times. The fact that your suicide attempt was unsuccessful now gives you the opportunity to live your life as the person you want to be. It won't happen overnight, it won't be easy but it can be a life you will feel you want to live. To get there it's a case of taking baby steps to move towards getting the professional help for your depression and phobias as well as your gender dysphoria. Again, it won't happen overnight but you need to start somewhere. I don't know where you are in your transition process, if even at all, but please keep in mind that many of us started in a similar place to you - one of self hatred, fear and depression and confusion and darkness, and many of us are now well underway to transition or further. Transition doesn't solve all of life's problems but it can help take pressure off. We still need to work at making friends and connections and building our life, it's just that the burden of not being ourselves has generally been lifted. I hope you can find someone who can help and support you.

[mfox]

It does get better, and it shouldn't be far away.

Is a doctor helping with your anxiety and depression?   When you start to climb on top of that, a lot of the worries and sadness will go away even without HRT.  But please tell people you're feeling this way, your parents, your doctor, your teachers.  Those dark thoughts should be treated seriously just like a broken bone, flu or other illness.   Don't feel like you have to carry the burden of illness by yourself, you're not alone even when it feels like it.

You can walk into any emergency room and they will help you if you are experiencing thoughts of self harm.  Please do whatever you can to survive past this dark phase, your future self will feel so much better than what you're feeling right now.

[Valleyrie]

@Ms Grace
Thanks. I know I shouldn't think too much but sometimes it becomes too much that I can't hold it in any more. I do try to focus on the now and try to take things one at a time but it's so hard and unrelenting. It's like I can never breathe. I've been on hormone blockers for about 8 months now but the rest of my transition has just been changing up my appearance with what I've got and working on my voice. I feel like my voice is at a really good point and was pretty much so from the beginning but I have a hard time using it around others, I don't know why. ;\ I agree though that transitioning won't fix all my problems. I just hope it makes it easier and fixes some of the major ones so I can at least cope on a day-to-day basis.

@mfox
April 30th is when I start hrt which is the day right after my birthday. I've been waiting so long and I know it'd be a waste to just give up now so I'm trying my best not to. I've been in therapy for about 3 years now but most of my core issues are gender-related. It has been helpful but not to the point where I can manage. I have my family who are very supportive and accepting and I'm ever so grateful for that it's just I want friends, heck, even one really good friend would do or even a relationship. I know I'm very lucky to have the support I have but most of how I feel is very internal and about myself. I could have everyone in the world being supportive and accepting of me and treating me just like any other girl but the real issue for me lies within. To me, it's either transition and hope for the best, or die. Actually, I took up self-harm about 2 months ago but have been clean for over 2 weeks now so I'm pretty happy about that and the scars are healing quite well. They're still noticeable but I guess it's just something I have to live with.