I see a Surgeon Tomorrow with my wife and I am excited and apprehensive

[Rachel]

I see the surgeon tomorrow for a consultation about procedures. My wife is saying GCS, BA and FFS will result in divorce as well as name change and expressing at work.

(My wife reads my posts.)

What I have wanted for all my life, what is so close, has a very high cost and has me ruminating about my future.

I use to think how could I ever come out then transition then get procedures. Now I do not know how I can not.

I need to sleep tonight (no sleep last night), I am exhausted.

16 hours till the appointment.

I want to get my hair fixed, have scalp reduction, lip, chin, brow work,  eye work, tracheal shave and orchi. I can take my time on the face work. If things change in my marriage GRS and BA. All this work will be over time. I do not know how I can not come out at work and express. When I was meeting with HR they were supportive when I said slacks and button tops. They suggested sweaters are good too and do not forget accessories.

I am just ranting and trying to process. If there are any constructive suggestions on how to handle the consultation tomorrow it would be appreciated. I am seeing Dr. McGinn.

[Beth Andrea]

*hugs*

I'd suggest writing a list of questions (if you haven't already) in order to keep some semblance of intelligence to the consult. 

I see the surgeon tomorrow for a consultation about procedures. My wife is saying GCS, BA and FFS will result in divorce as well as name change and expressing at work.

In for a penny, in for a pound. She can only divorce you once...and if I were a lawyer, I'd say the use of the word "and" implies that ALL of those events have to happen before the Big D happens.

[LordKAT]

I'm with Beth, write down your questions or concerns and take them with you.

[Rachel]

Thanks for the replies, I have a list of questions and procedure sequence printed. I have had them for a few days now and I was thinking about them for weeks.

6 hrs 45 minutes till the consult.

I am worried about the dynamics with a person who is not supportive. This involves her too and it is only fair to include her but I am so apprehensive. For so long I have wanted to be corrected and this meeting could be a pivot point for the rest of my life. I know breath.

[Muffinheart]

Yep, I hear you, but when I decided to come out and begin transition, I knew the risks.
I gave up a ton, and I mean a lot to be where I am.
Of course it was worth it, but there is regret and pain there...even after six years.

[lilacwoman]

Hi Cynthia,  How did it go?

[Rachel]

Thank you everyone for their replies,

Lilacwoman, this is how it went,

The doctors office is small but functional. I was seen 1.25 hours after my appointment time. My wife was there with me and she dislikes close spaces ( there were 9 or so people in the waiting area), she is sick with a cold and upset about the consultation.

The consultation went well and I followed up with a question I had wrote down but forgot to ask about time to wait after GCS or ORCI for a BA due to potential breast growth. The doctor went over FFS, scalp reduction, Orchi and tracheal shave. She referred me to a hair graph specialist after a forehead reduction ( have to wait 4 months post operation but referred to that specialist to give an actual time).

She said I have a lot of feminine features and loved my dimple. She loved my nose and said it is very feminine. She explained her brow ridge shaving process which is minimal unless my sinuses bone is thick, which is unlikely. She referred me to bowers if I want extensive  brow ridge recontouring. She said my brow ridge only needed minor work. She explained how my eyes would look very feminine with a forehead reduction. She said my eye sockets were fine. She said I did not need chin or jaw work and that she did not do it and could refer me to someone who does if I though I need it.  She said my eye lids are fine. She said my lips are fine and could be plumped if I wanted slight injections but that a 1 or 2 millimeter lip reduction would give me a perfect cupids lip . She said I did not need my trachea shaved and said she could not see it. She took pics of my face in many angles.

The embarrassing part
She looked at my genitals and gave me an exam to make sure I did not have a hernia. She inspected my penis and said it is very very small and that for GCS it would need to be a two step process. After the first step was healed then in her office the skin on the shaft would be cut. This is why, my penis diameter is to small. I knew I was small but to hear it and said so matter of fact was a bit difficult. Until she explained how it could be done I thought I was not a candidate for GCS. She took pictures for my file.

Pricing( separate paper from an office staff person after the consult), healing times and expectation were reviewed.

I found her to be honest, frank and at times we laughed. I would be very comfortable going to her for what she can perform and I think because I need minimal brow ridge work and no jaw or chin work. 

I need to process what occurred today. My wife said anything other than a trachea shave ( which is very small) would result in divorce. I think that is because it would have little noticeable effect. My wife wants me to give her an answer about procedures which if I proceed will result in divorce. I told her I need to process what occurred today and I need to focus on being present. I want to escape. If I have procedures I will be divorced. If I do not have procedures I fear I will have lost myself. I have spent 26 months with gradual gaining of hope I could be myself. Now I must choose between my marriage and being myself. I desperately want to be me. Most Cis people think it is about the procedures or cloths or make up. It is not; it is about self.

  I read this post to my wife prior to posting.

[Muffinheart]

Wow, fantastic regarding your appointment.
I will admit, I'm having a hard time digesting the part about your wife, like an ultimatum.
Even if you said no to transition, does she seriously think you can have a happy marriage going forward?
Sorry how my words came out, just can't imagine the stress.

I wish you well.

[JoanneB]

I feel your pain...

My wife and I had another serious grown up talk last night. She certainly is not thrilled about the (very real in her mind) prospect of me going full time and "Our World" exploding as I soon loose my job and all that it entails. Even part-time which we had talked often about before was enough to get her going. Things are getting WAY too real now for her, and for me. Again I got the "I did not marry a woman...." speech, something I have not heard in many months. I know she is VERY scared about her future. My reassurances mean little. (LONG back story there)

As Beth so aptly put it, "In for a penny, In for a pound". Putting you under for surgery is a major cost as also the pre and post op recoup space and staff. Best get your dollars worth. If stretching out your time line is a realistic possibility, then perhaps stage things a bit may help your wife's "transition". The shave and a BA, assuming reasonable proportions and no big difficult disguising, will by time for her and for your own peace of mind. FFS takes a lot of time and work as there is usually many things being done. Not a quick "No Brainer" procedure. Of course, if you get "The Works" I have to assume that also includes and immediate full time transition. Which you know the likely personal cost of that.

[JenJen2011]

Now I must choose between my marriage and being myself.

Be you.

[Beth Andrea]

My ex was just as adamant about "no visible transition, everything must be kept in the bedroom." The problem was that my dysphoria and depression did not stay in the bedroom... If I couldn't be myself in my external life, then my internal life would also die (literally--in fact my male-Self did actually die, but he took 6 months. It was not a pretty sight).

In the end, she said, "I didn't marry a woman!" and what could I say? Not much, except to wish her well in her journey to find a better partner.

She's doing well, as am I. Some couples can make it work, but for myself, given how much pain was involved and the time until divorce...I would've kept it friendly but also made it quick.

(An aside: Given your part's size, there is a condition called "micro penis", and the other features being close to feminine range...could you be intersex or similar?)

[Muffinheart]

Be you.

Yep! 1,000% agree.

[Rachel]

Hi everyone, thank you for responding.

The doctor mentioned micro penis. When my wife and I got home I had her look up and read the symptoms for Klinefelter's. She said it fit me exactly to a T. She said I should call the genetics department at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania and get tested. I wanted to get tested years ago. My PA-C said what would you gain from knowing? I thought but did not say to him I just need some reason why I am trans. I wanted something to point to and say see, it is not made up. Well that was two year ago. Knowing will not change anything and I accept myself and do not need to know to validate myself. Although, it would be nice to know. HRT has had a big effect positively on my mind and health and I wonder.

I love my wife and she loves me. She is a wonderful person. She is cis gendered heterosexual. She said throughout our marriage that I was not attracted to her. She wants to be friends if I fully transition. I want to be in her and my daughter's life. They are afraid I will embarrass them. No matter what the doctor says I will look trans. I can take the stares and comments but I can not expect them to.

I cried a last last night, this morning on the way to work and on the way home and while driving tonight. My wife has been very emotional. She wants me to give her an answer and I need time think. Every time I try to think about it, it gets very difficult to handle the pain.

Last night was very emotional. My wife said it was not my fault that I am trans. A lot of things came up from my childhood that are very painful, She said she wished she could hug me as a child and make it all right. She said I should schedule some extra sessions with my therapist this week. She questioned whether she should call crisis but I assured I would not do anything.

I have been distancing myself from making a decision. I know time is limited but I need to somehow remain married and fully transition, not possible.

[Beth Andrea]

*hugs* (if safe) for your childhood...a lot of us have pain of some kind from our younger days.

[Rachel]

Hi everyone, thank you and hugs. I am feeling much better.

I want to share the recommended procedures and pricing. It may help others who are looking around:

One additional day in the hospital (due to support issues) $1,000,
Combined brow reduction and brow lift $7,300,
Lip lift $4,300,
Lip juvederm $1,000 (2 vials),
Tracheal shave $4,300,
Orchi $4,300

Surgical date $2,500 deposit.

Separate cost and not recommended by my therapist presently GCS $19,500.
Hair transplants by a doctor in North Carolina estimated $15,000.

[Muffinheart]

Hi everyone, thank you and hugs. I am feeling much better.

I want to share the recommended procedures and pricing. It may help others who are looking around:

One additional day in the hospital (due to support issues) $1,000,
Combined brow reduction and brow lift $7,300,
Lip lift $4,300,
Lip juvederm $1,000 (2 vials),
Tracheal shave $4,300,
Orchi $4,300

Surgical date $2,500 deposit.

Separate cost and not recommended by my therapist presently GCS $19,500.
Hair transplants by a doctor in North Carolina estimated $15,000.

If I may, and not to sway one to go to my surgeon Dr Brassard, but think about it: if you're from the U.S., you get 20% off? How so? Currency exchange.
So $19,500 for GCS in C$ would cost you $15,600 US and tracheal about $3,400.US

Just a thought

[Rachel]

Thanks you for the good suggestion.

GCS, orchi, hair restoration, trachea, BA,  laser and electrolysis are covered by insurance 70% out of network and 80% in network (can add a unique provider as in network). If I do a health savings account I can pay with pre taxed dollars  and the procedures are covered. So, for FFS which is not covered by insurance it may pay to go to Canada especially if I can pay via a health savings account, that could be 50% off. 

[CrissyMarie]

If I may comment, most marriages end when one partner transitions due to them no longer be attracted to the person they fell in love with.  In the instance for a woman who marries a man, she will most likely not want to be married to a woman, as she does not identify as lesbian.  Visa versa.  One another note, I've been told time and time again that most surgeons will not want to perform SRS (GRS) if you have had an orciectomy as it reduces the amount of donator tissue for the surgery.  Due to scrotal tissue shrinking.  They also recommend you masterbate traditionally with your male anatomy at least once every week and half to maintain its length while on hormones as it shrinks over the time you are on it.  Breast grow occurs over a couple years and if you get a BA like so many trans women try and do then you end up having misshaped and "lumpy" breasts due to the growth (under and around) the implants.  I've also been told that most BA's have a 10 yearish life expectancy as they start deteriorating and have to be replaced, which cost more money.  I do not mean to steer you away from your choices if you have already made them, I am simply giving you a heads up on certain facts of transitioning.

I am 31 and began my transition at 30 and will be 12 months into HRT on March 3rd.  I have become accustomed to how much the body can change from hormones alone and I will say, you should give them time to work before jumping the gun on all of the permanent and expensive choices you are about to make.  Just my thoughts.  - Christina

[Muffinheart]

I would caution the advice, with all due respect.
My friend had an orchi three years ago, her GRS is this summer. Surgeon has zero problem with this.
Secondly, never, ever was i told to masturbate and is wrong advice on so many levels. Yes, sure it shrinks, but like an iceberg, more of the penis is buried than visible. I had not masturbated prior to surgery for at least 10 years, nor any orgasm which would have been ewwwww in my case. Gosh, last thing I ever wanted to do was touch it, let alone derive pleasure from it. Sure, post op, my vag is formerlly known as my ugh! penis, but it ain't now.

[mah]

Hope everything went OK keeping you in my thoughts and prayers you are very brave and I am happy you have support at home that's very cool