I don't know what I am.

[Cyber Warrior]

Hello. I'm new here so please tell me if this is the right place to post. This will be my first post. I am so sorry for the length but I don't know what else to do.

I am very confused about what my gender is and I have been confused for about 6 months now. I am a biological male but I don't think I want to be one but I'm not completely sure of myself. The problem is, I can't tell if it's just a fetish I have or is it really me. I have a forced feminization fetish.

It started when I was around 9 or 10. I was bored at home and I started crossdressing in my mom's clothes. I crossdressed for a while but stopped out of fear of being discovered and that I thought it was wrong. Around when I was 16 I started getting into feminization porn and hypnosis videos. I also enjoyed stories, anime, games etc where men get turned into a woman somehow, even non porn stuff. I really enjoyed the idea and fantaszied about becoming a girl. I crossdressed a little during that time but once again I stopped because I thought it was wrong and that I shouldn't have these feelings.

I have now accepted my fetish of forced feminization and I fantazise about becoming a girl all the time. I dont crossdress because I know I shouldn't use my mom's clothing, I dont have a way to secrectly get access to women's clothing and I am too obese and masculine looking to pass as a girl. But I've been thinking a lot recently that this isnt a fetish. That I actually want to be a girl instead of a man. But I get really turned on when I think about being a girl or crossdressing and from what I understand most transgendered women didn't do it for sexual thrills. They did it because they really felt they were women on the inside. I sort of feel that way too but I dont know if it's just the fetish talking or my actual feelings. I dont feel like life would be completly unbearable as a man but I have desires now that are not always sexual to actually be a girl.I'm not even very feminine. If I was to be a woman I would be mostly tomboy I think. I certainly would not be a girly girl. I have some feminine traits but I mostly behave masculine. I'm just so confused and don't actually know what to think anymore.

I'm sorry for the extremly long length and I sorry if this post offends anyone in some way. I'm just so confused and really dont know what to do or feel. If you have read this far than think you so much for putting up with my ranting.

[infinity]

hello cyber warrior,

first off, welcome to susan's!

secondly...

i cannot tell you who you are -- if you are a man or a woman or someone in between -- because only you can do that. however, i would suggest finding a gender therapist to speak to in order to help sort out these confusing feelings. also, i would advise you to continue participating here at susan's and doing some additional research, as doing so can assist you in understanding yourself better.

it might take time and effort to figure things out, but it's worth it in the end. remember we're all here for support.

- jackson

[Amy85]

Hi Cyber Warrior, I have to say I found a lot of what you say familiar. For a long time I too thought my desires to be feminine was merely a fetish of sorts and enjoyed fantasies of being forced to be feminine as a way of avoiding the guilt I had learned to associate with my feelings of wanting to be female. The whole while though I deep down knew that other than my sexuality being centered around being female that when I was not feeling turned on at all I still wished I was female and found great comfort and peace simply by dressing in my female clothing and expressing that desire.

So welcome to the site and I hope you find what you're looking for

[Cyber Warrior]

Thank you so much Jackson and Amy. And Amy I'm glad someone has similar feelings to my own. It makes me feel a little less weird about my problems. I am unfortauntely unable to express my feminine feelings at all in my current situation. I am still very much in the closet.

[Amy85]

I'm sorry you don't have an outlet I remember the freedom that moving out on my own gave me to indulge in those feelings in private, and how stifling it was to not have the chance to do so before that...