Reasons why TGs come to support group once and never again.

[Asche]

In our local TG support group, we've noticed a certain number of people who come once and never again.  I've been to maybe 8 sessions, and I've seen two or three such people.  The ones I've noticed have been young (20's?) M2Fs.

One of the organizers of the group sent out an E-mail asking if anyone had any idea why some people weren't coming back (with an eye to making it more welcoming.)  However, the recipients would have been people who _do_ return.

So I thought I'd ask here, where there might be people who've tried support groups and not wanted to go back:

what are typical reasons why people try a support group but don't go back?

[suzifrommd]

I've wondered the same thing. A lot of people have never been to a support group, so they don't know what to expect. When they see what it's like, for whatever reason it's not for them.

I've also been to some bad groups, where newbies are ignored, or where attitudes are off-putting.

Some people go back into the closet and decide not to transition or to do it without support.

There are also people who use isolation as a coping skill and only manage to get past it once.

I've even seen a couple people who came just to ask a particular question. When it was answered, they never saw any reason to come back.

Like you, Asche, I wish we could ask them.

[AbbyKat]

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I want to give my input on support groups, in general, and why they might not be for everybody.

When I quit drinking, the first step I took was going to AA.  I found it very counter-productive to be surrounded by alcoholics when I, myself, was trying to steer clear of anything that would make me want to drink.  I would never advocate avoiding AA to anybody who wants to quit drinking (obviously it works for many people) but it definitely did nothing for me but make me want to drink.  I successfully quit without going to another one and haven't had a drink since. 

I think for some people, TG support groups might be too triggering.  They see people they can't possibly aspire to and see others who they fear may be illustrative of their actual probable outcome.  Some may not feel like they fit in.  Others may feel like they aren't at that stage yet after they see people who are further along.  If your group is mostly people who are far into their transitions, a "newbie" like me might feel uncomfortable with their own progress or maybe embarrassed.

I'm a person that hesitates going to one so I hope my perspective helps.  If I manage to find and attend a support group, I'll let you know how I felt there.

[Jayne]

I run an LGBT support group so may be able to provide a few answers here.
Sometimes it's due to a clash of personality, there's very little you can do about that.

Sometimes people feel that once they talk about being trans they will have to go through with transitioning & they run away scared, this is quite common as i've had several support workers say they want to put someone in touch with me but the person backs out as discussing it with another trans person makes it too real. I know that once i'd told one person I was trans I had an unbelievable urge to tell everyone, in that situation we are faced with a "fight or flight" response & many choose flight.
All you can really do about that is reasure them that it's their body, their life and how they deal with it is their choice

If the group is support based instead of social some people don't want to discuss problems, they just attended to meet others like themselves.
Maybe switch the group from support to social, people will still get support from the group but the shift in priorities may make people more at home.

There's no nice way to phrase the next two points, god knows i've tried. If someone in the group doesn't pass then others may feel uncomfortable being around them, sometimes they fear it reflects on their inability to pass, sometimes thay feel being in the presence of that person cancels out their ability to pass.
At the moment I have no solution to this, if you have any ideas then i'm all ears (or eyes as it's online)

Some people try to dominate a group, if they are not the center of attention for the whole group then they tend to strop off in a huff. This is a very difficult situation to deal with, every case like this has to be dealt with individualy, I can't give any blanket advice, sorry.

These are the first few problems i've had to face, if any other pop into my head i'll let you know. If you have any questions then feel free to post them here or pm me.

[Asche]

FWIW:

1.  The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars.  I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate.   I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.

2.  The group usually (but not always) has more F2Ms than M2Fs.  Most of us are older (40s+)

[LordKAT]

If you simply want to fade into the woodwork, they seem too loud and proud. They seem to revel in the 'being trans' not in dealing with it or how to work past it. Too many people who tell you how to be more like them instead of how to be like the world you want to be a part of.

[Hikari]

FWIW:

1.  The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars.  I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate.   I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.

2.  The group usually (but not always) has more F2Ms than M2Fs.  Most of us are older (40s+)

Honestly it would sound to me like I would t really relate to that group so I probably wouldn't come back either. If the group isn't really like similar to me and my peers I might as well just get support from my normal group of friends. Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.

[Kellam]

I'm Just at the stage where I am trying to reach out to support groups etc. I had a little adventure last night trying to get to one that ended in failure. I have only ever been in online groups. My first was for alcoholism and I did disapear a couple times. First, because I was emotionally raw. Then fear of inadequacy, I didn't think I drank enough. Then relapse on other drugs filled me with shame and embarrassment. But it was not an option for me to keep on the way I was and I needed support very badly. If my group (a secular non 12 step) had had a meeting in my area I would have gone.

Anyway, I had to struggle through a lot of those types of feelings last night to get myself out the door. Some of you all here helped me along too. I know that when I finally get to a meeting I will have to deal with all of that again. And it is scary, every step I have taken thusfar has made me want to scream "I'm transgendered!" To anyone who will listen and it is getting harder to not. Once I get to say it to someone in real life, that will be even harder to not do. It is a line that for me, once I have crossed it, there is no going back. Self acceptance was like that ... I obviously don't know what the story is with these folks you mentioned but I can see, if I were them, why they might not come back.

I'm trying all kinds of groups, therapy based and social alike. Anyhoo, that's my thoughts on this, naïve though they may be...

[Devlyn]

Honestly it would sound to me like I would t really relate to that group so I probably wouldn't come back either. If the group isn't really like similar to me and my peers I might as well just get support from my normal group of friends. Also if people really don't pass sonetimea it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not impressed with that. I recently pulled away from the support community because someone told me crossdressers triggered them. As we always say if a person has a problem with someone, it's their problem.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jayne]

FWIW:

1.  The people I'm thinking of passed pretty well, better than some of the regulars.  I don't know about where they were in transition, they mostly didn't participate.   I don't know about any others the organizer was thinking of.

This could be the issue, some people who pass feel uncomfortable being around those who don't pass as they feel it "outs" them.
I'm not comfortable with this view as it borders on intolerance from the very people who are seeking tolerance, I have more training to come so may have a solution in the future, right now I have to either have a quiet chat with them or pass the buck to one of the more experienced support workers.

[Jayne]

I'm not impressed with that. I recently pulled away from the support community because someone told me crossdressers triggered them. As we always say if a person has a problem with someone, it's their problem.

Hugs, Devlyn

This +1

[Devlyn]

This could be the issue, some people who pass feel uncomfortable being around those who don't pass as they feel it "outs" them.
I'm not comfortable with this view as it borders on intolerance from the very people who are seeking tolerance, I have more training to come so may have a solution in the future, right now I have to either have a quiet chat with them or pass the buck to one of the more experienced support workers.

This + 1

[Jayne]

This + 1

Great minds think alike....fools seldom differ

Take your pick ;-)

[CaptFido87]

Here's my take on a situation such as this. My generation isn't very great with communication. Now you make find that ironic since we've made social media it's glory. When you think about it, more teens and young adults don't call each other, they text. When we go to someone's house we text to say we are there instead of ringing the doorbell. More people my age have trouble finding jobs, simply because we don't know how to ask for help. We are a very stuck up generation. As much as I hate to say it, it's the truth. People use social media to make themselves look better than they so it makes the real world much different and it becomes harder to deal with. 

Now for me I haven't gone to a ts group yet as I don't where to look. If I did find one it would all depend on the scene. If I were to go to a ts meeting and see that more half of the people there are old enough to be my parents or look like they've been at it for years can be very discouraging. It also doesn't help when you have a bunch of beautiful people in there and depression kicks back into place telling you that you'll never look as good as them. It's hard to deal with. For me I probably would feel kind of freaked out at first thinking oh no, I'm in the wrong place or is really what I might look like. It's terrifying to think of. I am a friendly person though, so once I started talking about things like this and see that people understand me, I feel more welcomed. It's like what some of already said. Even though we are all going through the same kind of thing, younger people see it like this "no they wouldn't understand what it's like to me or they weren't this age when they started so the effects are going to be way different". It's unfortunately how we think. When we talk with people our age, you can relate. We feel the same common stuff and want similar results.

It's like this for me. I'm going to be more inclined to listen to someone around my age who has the same problems. No Offense to anyone on here, but if someone in their 40's was telling me about their transition I honestly would only half listen or not care. If someone my age said the same thing, I'd probably be open and paying attention. It's how it is.

Going back to the whole support group thing, I would continue to offer the support to the younger people. Even if they don't take it, you are letting them know they have option. Maybe even do a meeting where everyone dresses down with no make up and such. It'd be interesting for people like me to see, thinking that hey even though we all want to be pretty let's just go back to where we started. This might show someone that it's a difficult journey no matter who you are. Getting the whole group involved is also another to get people involved. Try to set up different partners for different projects inside and outside of the group meeting to really involve everyone. Sure we all want to talk our feelings but not everyone cares. Do random fun stuff and that might keep people interested.

This is all I got. Hope it was of some help.

Marty (Sammi)

[Ms Grace]

The groups would need to be age relevant. The support someone over, say 29, needs is different to someone who is a teen or over 50.

I've never been to a support group, for me the main disincentive has been accessibility in terms of available times and safe transport. Judging by the comments from other members on this forum over time that is also a big issue. Personally I found Susan's to be all the support I needed anyway. Plus I'm  fortunate to be in a small trans social group that gets together every couple of weeks and that gives me a good place to air my wins and grievances

Factor in that many people who attend support groups are scared poopless about going, don't feel they are "trans enough", lack social skills, might encounter a very cliquey group or one that has a few dominant or excessively vocal and/or needy members then there are plenty of reasons people drop out of groups.

[jessical]

They can be depressing.  Especially when things are going well for me, it is hard to hear other people struggle.  I am very sympathetic, but maybe too much and it ends up pulling me down.

Instead I created a network of cis and trans friends, plus susan's and a few other resources.  I have been very happy with that.

[Carrie Liz]

As one of these 20-somethings that you speak of... (was 27 when I went to my first support group,)

I know the first time I went to a support group, and saw that it was almost completely dominated by older-transitioning MtFs, I really felt isolated. Like, they were all talking about older-transitioner concerns... coming out on the job, kids, family, and they all seemed WAY more stereotypically feminine than me, with almost every single one of them wearing dresses, heels, and makeup, acting in overtly-stereotypical-feminine manners, and constantly talking about all of the things that proved that they were really women. So I'll be honest, I really didn't feel like I belonged there. I was kinda expecting it to feel like the groups of female friends I've hung out with my entire life, basically just people out living their lives, acting like what I as a young person see as a "typical woman," people who just so happen to be trans and female getting together to hang out and talk about whatever. I didn't expect it to feel like some secretive collection of cross-dressers decked out in stereotypically-feminine attire talking and obsessing about transition as if it was an AA meeting. (I know that's not what they actually were, but it's what it felt like to me at the time.)

Basically, because they clashed so much with what my expectations of what makes someone female was, I felt like I didn't belong there. I was used to hanging around low-key tomboys my whole life, girls whose gender was more incidental, who wore jeans and sweatshirts, not people who looked like they were trying to be on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. It was a real generational clash for me.

[LoriLorenz]

There's also the aspect of time. I have trouble getting out on the best of days, and the local meetings are at a time decent for me, but I still have the mobility issues, and thus can't drive. The bussing to get to the support group takes an hour one way, which means a 2 hour meeting turns into a 4 or 5 hour DAY for me now, or at least a huge chunk of my day when I'm able.

[amber roskamp]

I am not sure how your support group is ran, but maybe you are to structured. My support group literally never makes anyone speak up. We just come talk about whatever and leave. We encourage people to share anything that is pressing or any news you want to talk about, but other then that it's just us hanging out and making friends. we haven't had a single person except some cis allies only show up once.

[spooky]

As one of these 20-somethings that you speak of... (was 27 when I went to my first support group,)

I know the first time I went to a support group, and saw that it was almost completely dominated by older-transitioning MtFs, I really felt isolated. Like, they were all talking about older-transitioner concerns... coming out on the job, kids, family, and they all seemed WAY more stereotypically feminine than me, with almost every single one of them wearing dresses, heels, and makeup, acting in overtly-stereotypical-feminine manners, and constantly talking about all of the things that proved that they were really women. So I'll be honest, I really didn't feel like I belonged there.

This so much. This is why after spending lot of time looking into transgender support groups, I have never actually gone.