For those who transition in their 40s or up (tw)

[ChiGirl]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?  I don't mean the teenage years, but your twenties.   I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but the last couple of days, I feel like I missed out on my youth in general.  I think I've been pretty good about not looking back, but this idea is starting to rub me the wrong way.   Anyone else think about this and/or how do you deal with with?

[Muffinheart]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?  I don't mean the teenage years, but your twenties.   I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but the last couple of days, I feel like I missed out on my youth in general.  I think I've been pretty good about not looking back, but this idea is starting to rub me the wrong way.   Anyone else think about this and/or how do you deal with with?

Do I think about it? Nope, nada, nyet, I don't regret for a moment that I transitioned at 43, now am 50. I have way more energy today than I did at 30.
I hated my youth, especially my 20s....loving being a near senior citizen lol

[Jill F]

You know, that "what if" game never ends well, so I refuse to play it.   As far as I'm concerned, 45 is just the new 15.  I can only live in the here and now, so that's what I do.  The good news is that now I get to enjoy every day instead of dreading getting out of bed and having a horribly bleak vision of my future.

Youth kind of sucked for me anyway.  I don't miss being naive, reckless, abused, perpetually broke nor do I miss the idiots I once associated with.   My wife was a young woman once, and from what I've heard, that was no picnic either.       

Please don't worry about these things.   Working with what I have is all I can do, and it's still pretty awesome.

[Virginia]

I had a huge problem with this when my 13-year-old female alter became self aware in 2009. Unlike most here she has a memory of being a young girl, but the last time she had been conscious was when she fronted for my System through junior high in 1974. Like Rip Van Winkle, waking up to find herself in a 48-year-old man's body 34 years later was a horrible trauma. My female alter's world, everything she knew and held dear was gone. She has slowly come to see her new life, albeit different, is very good. She loves being tall, having plenty of money to buy clothes and being able to drive. And the biggest positive of all is that my wife is a much better Mommy to her than she had growing up.

[Devlyn]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?  I don't mean the teenage years, but your twenties.   I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but the last couple of days, I feel like I missed out on my youth in general.  I think I've been pretty good about not looking back, but this idea is starting to rub me the wrong way.   Anyone else think about this and/or how do you deal with with?

Hi hon, I read your post and remembered this thread, it's a bit older but I think it is relevant: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,136497.0.html

I agree with Jill on the what if game, you have to count what you do have, not the things you don't.

Hugs, Devlyn

[ChiGirl]

Thank you, ladies.  Up until a couple days ago, I didn't think about it.  I'm only 40 and I've got so much time in my life, but all of a sudden it's bugging me. 

I guess I can't wait for transition to begin.  I know I've got a lot to do before I can start hormones, and if I am enjoying the journey so far.  I almost think that part of it is my wife.  She's been really accepting, but then she slides back to anger.  She's committed to making our marriage lasts, but I'm done.  She spent years pushing me to figure out the cause of my depression.  Now, I have and I know what I need and want and she is only NOW ready to work on us.  It seems so backwards.   She's trying, but I'm ready to leave. 

[Dee Marshall]

Do I think about it? Yes, I do. However, being confused for all those years left me with a brilliant, handsome son and a life companion who has stayed with me for 35 years and always challenged me to be better than I am. The fact that she has difficulty with my condition is the only fly in my ointment. The fact that she hasn't yet given up on me is my greatest joy. If I had transitioned all those years ago I would likely have been very lonely or married to some idiot. This world was not a good place for us in the early eighties and I was nowhere as strong as I am now.

[JoanneB]

My wife often said to me "Who in their right mind wants to be a 50 y/o woman?" followed by the usual host of reasons how we are long past our prime and second class citizens. So sure, being 25 is nice. Maybe actually being born as one would be great. Maybe not to both.

I can what if things to death. The one area I really try not to is the past. Anything and everything could have been different.

Perhaps I don't regret not being a 25 y/o because I am not in my right mind?

[traci_k]

I am 59 and planning out transitioning. Yes, missed a lot, a whole lifetime, but "it is what is." We can't worry about what if's past but what can be's in the future.

Wishing you a safe journey.

Hugs,

[suzifrommd]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?  I don't mean the teenage years, but your twenties.   I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but the last couple of days, I feel like I missed out on my youth in general.  I think I've been pretty good about not looking back, but this idea is starting to rub me the wrong way.   Anyone else think about this and/or how do you deal with with?

I think about this a lot, ChiGirl.

Here is what I've come up with: I'm a pretty OK person. True, I have my faults, and true I'm no great beauty, but all in all, I'm happy with whom I've become. Becoming that person required me to live part of my life as a male and then the rest as a female. If I hadn't, if I'd lived all my life as a female, for example, I wouldn't be the person I am. I'd be someone else.

Since I'm happy with who I am, I need to be happy with the road that got me here.

Also, I know many women, some young, and some old. In general, the older women are the happier. True the younger women are prettier and get more attention from men, but they also haven't lived long enough to separate the important from the trivial, and they tend to get dragged down by things that needn't drag them down.

Yes, they younger ones are prettier (in the eyes of society). But often the older ones appreciate their beauty more.

Does this help?

[Jill F]

My wife often said to me "Who in their right mind wants to be a 50 y/o woman?"

I've been asked something along those lines before.  Not by my wife, mind you, but I do have answers for that.

A) I just happen to be a middle aged woman and that's the way it is.
B) It sure beats the crap out of being a drunk/dying/dead middle aged woman pretending to be a guy.
C) Bite me.

[Devlyn]

D. All of the above! 

[Colleen M]

Would I like to wave a magic wand and be a hot 17 year old?  Of course.  But by growing older I'm paying the price for the wisdom to accept my age...and I may as well take advantage of that since I'm buying it whether I like it or not. 

[rosinstraya]

You can't do anything about the past. But you can do plenty about the now and the future. All the "if I had....." talk Won't get us anywhere. I can only accept what I did then was then, and what I do now is, well, different. And better.

[MaryXYX]

Sure there's a lot I missed out on as a girl and a young woman but I don't really think about it.  I think more about the dead end life I was leading, in a marriage that had long lost its meaning, a job that was killing me with stress, and no social life apart from a church where I was barely "keeping up appearances".  I went full time at 62 and since then I've been on my first protest march, abseiled for the first time (rappelled if you are in the USA), and been to my first festival and student rave.

The previous church got rid of me at the first hint of "cross dressing" and I'm now an active member of a church where the fact that one of the Basses in the choir is a woman who has sung Bass since she was a boy just doesn't matter.  I'm looking forward to enjoying however much time I have left.

[MaryXYX]

I had a huge problem with this when my 13-year-old female alter became self aware in 2009. Unlike most here she has a memory of being a young girl, but the last time she had been conscious was when she fronted for my System through junior high in 1974. Like Rip Van Winkle, waking up to find herself in a 48-year-old man's body 34 years later was a horrible trauma. My female alter's world, everything she knew and held dear was gone. She has slowly come to see her new life, albeit different, is very good. She loves being tall, having plenty of money to buy clothes and being able to drive. And the biggest positive of all is that my wife is a much better Mommy to her than she had growing up.

I don't have any childhood memories and the online DID group I was in had a lot of difficulty understanding where I came from and if I was even real.  Even the original (male) host wasn't sure until one time he had a panic attack at work and involuntarily switched to me - I don't have panic attacks.  That convinced us and our therapist but I'm still not entirely convinced.  Perhaps I absorbed him after transition because he isn't still around as a separate entity.

[Beverly]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?

No.

Life is too short to waste on regrets.

[Eveline]

Do you ever think about the idea that you'll never get to be a young woman?  I don't mean the teenage years, but your twenties.   I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but the last couple of days, I feel like I missed out on my youth in general.  I think I've been pretty good about not looking back, but this idea is starting to rub me the wrong way.   Anyone else think about this and/or how do you deal with with?

I went through a period, early in my transition, when I felt really emotional about this. It was just something I had to work through, over several weeks, and it wasn't fun.

One thing that helped was a hypnosis audio I found on "past feminization" (imagining your feminine past as you wish it had been). I suspect this is a little too far out for some folks, but it was pretty effective for me - it redirected me from self pity to a more constructive, creative frame of mind...

[megan7777]

all I can think about are the beautiful clothes I get to wear, cute shoes, the makeup, finding calm and peace.

[Ms Grace]

You know, that "what if" game never ends well, so I refuse to play it.   

I'm with Jill and I'm 49.

Look, I won't deny that the thought doesn't cross my mind every now and then - like what school might have been like, or what university might have been like but that is all just fantasy and presupposition. I have no way of knowing - and there's no guarantee things would have been better in objective terms. So yeah, I entertain the thought, sometimes it's a little bittersweet but I don't let it eat at me and I don't let it get me down. I've got what I've got in my life, so I live it an move on!

Funny story though - I was texting with a friend of mine who I've known since I was 18. She's a year younger than me and went to some fancy private girls school where they had to wear hats and whatnot as part of their uniform. I joked with her that had I been living as female in my teenage years we would have been mortal enemies because my folks no doubt would have sent me to the local public girls school instead. I said to her - "me an' me molls woulda knicked (stolen) yer fancy hat!" She laughed.