Got back from a therapist

[BoringUsername]

Hello all, I'm a 20 years old guy who's been having some gender issues really pop up and it finally got to the point where I saw a gender specialist.  I told her about everything I've felt, because I know I did have grief/struggles with my gender all throughout my life.  I remember even laying in bed one night praying that I could just wake up as a girl, which you know sounds pretty damning, but whats really been giving me more trouble is just that there were even long periods of time where I did just feel " normal ".  My therapist said that its common for children to express their feelings and get negative responses so they learn to suppress it until it comes out again, which I can relate to because I know I've felt exactly that before.  But I still just feel weird because I hear how trans people just always knew or had struggled so hard it kind of makes me feel like my own feelings aren't real.  But as I understand it, there's a spectrum to being tg and not everyone experiences it the same way.

But I'm sorry that might seem like a big blob of text, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling right now.

[Devlyn]

Hello all, I'm 20 years old guy who's been having some gender issues really pop up and it finally got to the point where I saw a gender specialist.  I told her about everything I've felt, because I know I did have grief/struggles with my gender all throughout my life.  I remember even laying in bed one night praying that I could just wake up as a girl, which you know sounds pretty damning, but whats really been giving me more trouble is just that there were even long periods of time where I did just feel " normal ".  My therapist said that its common for children to express their feelings and get negative responses so they learn to suppress it until it comes out again, which I can relate to because I know I've felt exactly that before.  But I still just feel weird because I hear how trans people just always knew or had struggled so hard it kind of makes me feel like my own feelings aren't real.  But as I understand it, there's a spectrum to being tg and not everyone experiences it the same way.

But I'm sorry that might seem like a big blob of text, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling right now.

Hi 20 years old guy, welcome to Susan's Place! That doesn't sound damning to me. I never imagined I was transgender, it struck out of the blue in my late 40s. There's no formula to it, you got some false information somewhere. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[sam1234]

I don't know that there is a "norm" as far as when people realized that they were transgender. Those who grew up in an area where that sort of knowledge is common place may have known for a long time, but just as many don't know what is going on. They may feel like they don't belong, or wonder why they have no interest in activities that others of their chromosomal gender are, but don't know what a transgender is.

Damning implies against God, and I don't think that transgenders are any different than someone born with any other kind of abnormality. I know people get uptight about it and say that if you were born a girl or boy, that is what God intended so its a sin to change. Does that mean that people with cleft palates have to stay that way because God intended it? Personally, I think people relate gender orientation with sex and are uncomfortable with it, so they use religion as an excuse to be biased.

sam1234

[AnonyMs]

But I still just feel weird because I hear how trans people just always knew or had struggled so hard it kind of makes me feel like my own feelings aren't real.  But as I understand it, there's a spectrum to being tg and not everyone experiences it the same way.

I didn't just know, and there's many who don't. I didn't know for another 20 years after you, and here I am on HRT. Definitely a spectrum, a very wide and diverse spectrum.

[BoringUsername]

Hi 20 years old guy, welcome to Susan's Place! That doesn't sound damning to me. I never imagined I was transgender, it struck out of the blue in my late 40s. There's no formula to it, you got some false information somewhere. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

I mean I'm just worried that maybe im barking up the wrong tree.  What if this is just crossdressing and that other stuff was just a phase?  I might not fit perfectly between a gender binary but what if going this far is wrong?

[AnonyMs]

I mean I'm just worried that maybe im barking up the wrong tree.  What if this is just crossdressing and that other stuff was just a phase?  I might not fit perfectly between a gender binary but what if going this far is wrong?

Good question, but hard to answer. It took me a long time to answer it, and that was only when I got so desperate I couldn't refuse it anymore. I hope there's a better way.

[BoringUsername]

I didn't just know, and there's many who don't. I didn't know for another 20 years after you, and here I am on HRT. Definitely a spectrum, a very wide and diverse spectrum.

It just feels so awkward though, I've identified as a male for so long.  Like how do you just go to the other extreme after all that time?

[AnonyMs]

It just feels so awkward though, I've identified as a male for so long.  Like how do you just go to the other extreme after all that time?

I'm still presenting male after being on HRT for some years. I think the answer though, for some people anyway, is desperation. There's not a lot of choice if you leave it long enough.

I trying not to transition at the moment. There's too much I don't want to lose. My last battle was going from low dose HRT to full dose. Its hard to describe the depression I was suffering, but it was seriously affecting my health and I was becoming dysfunctional. I don't think it would have ended well if I'd continued on that path, but I gave up and took the next steps. The depression is magically gone, I'm reasonably happy. I'm still going as slowly as possibly, but I'm never going to do that again.

[JoanneB]

GD is certainly an infinite spectrum between cis-female to cis-male.  How people manage their GD varies. Just as there is no gender binary, there is no binary rule saying "Your trans so thou shall do this and this". We all struggle to figure out how to manage it. THere are many commonalities but the journeys are never identical.

I live and present primarily as male. The gender dysphoria never ruled my life. I had plenty of other things going. I never felt "Male" by any means. Never "Got" how guys think. Yet I needed to be a chameleon in order to try to blend in. Once out of h/s, pretty much all my best friends have been females. I also have interest that are typically called "Guy stuff" like fixing cars, building stuff. I do plumbing, wiring. I'm an electrical engineer and programmer.

I've been on HRT for 5 years now. My circumstances prevent me from doing part-time right now, though for a while I was. I kind of know now I need to get back to part-time. Not sure about full-time. Too much risk vs disastrous losses. Gender is a part of my self image. Not the only part. For years I wouldn't allow it to be any part really. I consider myself blessed I am not a member of the transition or die club. I can empathize with the pain those that are, have. My biggest reason or drive for going full-time is to feel totally genuine. Yet, that assumes I don't loose my wife, my job, my career and all that I have worked hard for all my life and only recently feel I not only earned it all but also deserved the gifts.

[Muffinheart]

I could list a dozen reasons what finally drove me to the point of deciding to transition, but ultimately I was tired of having to appease everyone in my life. "What about me, my needs, my wants?"
That tipping point was the first time I thought of myself, and said no more.
Regardless of the cost, I needed to be happy.

[Rachel]

Hi,
I am taking my transition slow. I have been on HRT for 21 months and am doing electrolysis at present. I express at group and other areas in the gayborhood. I am researching and communicating with my insurance company and several Doctors for procedures. Also, my HR department and Supervisor. I am out to a bunch at work too. This has been a little over a two year struggle. Every bit where I can be more of myself feels right and good. Yes, at first is scary but just push the envelope a bit at a time.   



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[Julia-Madrid]

It just feels so awkward though, I've identified as a male for so long.  Like how do you just go to the other extreme after all that time?

Hey BUsername

Umm, 23 years is not so long, and you'll be astonished by what you can achieve if you really want it.  I started at 45... and went from boy to girl in 6 months. It was the most brilliantly weird and wonderful time of my life.  I went to a company function six months in, and new people all treated me as a woman, no questions asked (well, except to question me about my ex "husband" who was actually a wife )

As for knowing from very young (your earlier posts), it's not a prerequisite.  I had many flickers of weird gender stuff from age 7, but blotted it out until my mid 20s.  With help from a therapist I realised exactly what I was, but put it on hold for 20 years in  order to try be "normal".  Those years were actually not bad, but I had to hide a lot and keep myself numb.  The relief at now having found myself is undescribable.

Take it at the speed which will make you feel comfortable. 

Good luck
Julia

[Devlyn]

It just feels so awkward though, I've identified as a male for so long.  Like how do you just go to the other extreme after all that time?

You don't have to go to an extreme, you go to where you're comfortable.  Accepting ourselves for who we are is a big, and often difficult step. Many people benefit from the help of a therapist with this.

Hugs, Devlyn

[cindy16]

Hi BUsername,

I had the same doubts as you only a couple of months ago, and I still have some of them. I've also spoken about 'just cross-dressing' and about it being a 'phase' in many of my posts so far, and I've wondered how can these gender issues crop up in my head now after me having lived as male for so many years, when others seem to know right since childhood.

FWIW, I too now see some sort of a pattern since my childhood regarding my gender issues, but it could very well be my mind searching for justifications in hindsight. I am also beginning to accept my deep-seated wish to be physically and socially female and be accepted as such, whether or not I end up doing anything about it.

What is most reassuring though, is knowing from the experience of people around here that there are others like me, and then there is a wide spectrum in a wide variety of contexts, so that there is no one right answer.