Not being enough as a woman

[April_TO]

Good Evening Ladies,

I'm not sure if anyone of you had this feeling before but lately I suddenly felt a feeling of lack as a woman. I couldn't pin point where this emotion is coming from but it's quite debilitating and it stops me from pushing through with some of my transition plans.

I always feel inferior to a cis woman ugh I know it's the worst thing I can do for my self confidence. However, I get into this conversation in my head about how I will never find anyone, that I will never look a 100% cis woman and I will always be watching my movements/mannerisms that will out me (I know it's silly)

How do you handle your insecurities as a woman? I know this is not personal to us. However, it would be nice to know how you cope with it or how you stop yourself from sabotaging your confidence.

Best,

April

[Ms Grace]

I think you'll find that the further along you get along in your transition the less you will worry about any of these things. A lot of it is just having it soak in and before you realise it will be second nature.

[Carrie Liz]

Having struggled with this for a LONG time myself, the only remedy is time. Reverse the negative self talk. Tell yourself that you ARE a woman, and that you do look beautiful, and that you do deserve someone special. No matter how many times your brain tells you you're not, not matter how much crying you have to do when dysphoria and feelings of inadequacies overwhelm you, just keep pressing forward, keep living your life, and slowly, over time, it will start to fade.

It still hasn't gone away completely for me, but it's slowly been getting better and better with each passing month. As time has gone on, the less I'm a newly-transitioned girl who's scared to death of people judging me and invalidating my femininity, and the more I'm just living my life as just another woman. Once you get to that point where you're just living your life, and you start getting confident that you really are accepted as normal, that nobody but you sees or cares about the things you feel so insecure about, you'll stop worrying so much. Just give it time.

[Sunderland]

I agree with what the others have said. It's something that is sometimes very difficult to overcome. We've spent the majority of our lives feeling down on ourselves when we were pre-transition. That's a lot of negative conditioning, and it takes time to erase. It's a process, but eventually you will start to truly see yourself as a woman. A woman as beautiful and confident as any other. Eventually all the movements/mannerisms will become effortless and you will no longer think about them at all.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi April

Chocolate helps when these moments occur! 

But seriously, all these things do come with time and some perseverance and practise.  I also think we beat ourselves up way too much in trying to reach some desired pinnacle of femininity, and it's just not necessary.  When I see a woman throw a cigarette end on the ground with the grace of a truck driver, or watch a girl walk as if she was a rodeo cowboy, I realise that there are no models, and we transgender women try too hard to impose some theoretical ideal upon ourselves.

Give it time and find your equilibrium.  You don't need to be a Barbie doll to be a real woman - you just need to be the person who feels comfortable in her skin.

Oh, and insecurity it a girl thing - all of us have it at times, whether cis or trans.   

Hugs
Julia

[katrinaw]

Hi April, gotta go with Julia here, all women feel I secure, that's why the shops are so packed, apart from the fact we all love shopping, period!

It's chocolate plus red wine... Yum match made in heaven 

By the way, love your new Avatar, love the hair color 

L Katy

[Mariah]

April, as others have over times things do get easier, but there are times even when you get frazzled to appoint about something in life that causes it resurface in some form. Fore me that was with my voice lately. I had been extremely satisfied with it for awhile and then after the accident where my mom got hurt by tipping out of her wheelchair that I was pushing, like I always do at the time, suddenly resulted in my voice to take a step backwards again for me to lose confidence and feel it wasn't good enough again. I'm not sure why or how, but the two had to be directly correlated in some way and after working through everything that went with that accident for whatever reason the voice I had so gotten used to recently returned along with the confidence in it. In between, I just kept plugging along and trying my best without giving up knowing I would get back there. There is no doubt the fact were not born CIS woman and as result lacking and not being able to certain things can have that affect on us. Don't let that bother you because we are no less woman than they are. The time piece really becomes important with those little nit picky things, even my voice. where practice, perseverance and being less critical of ourselves really becomes important. A lot of what we do becomes second nature as if we had always done it that way eventually and as that happens for you that you find you won't be watching your movements and mannerisms like you are now. Many people, CIS or trans, have difficultly finding that someone so your not alone. It's true I have been in a relationship since December and it's definitely had its trials and tribulations, but I wasn't seeking one at that point it just happened. I wasn't trying to anything special other than be myself. My kindness, helpfulness, and friendliness shined through. It's what has really drawn him to me, even after I told him I was trans which I felt the need to tell him early on, that he is willing and has overlooked those short cummings and clearly forgets them at times all together because of it. Time, patience, perseverance and being yourself  will get you through this. As beautiful as you are, I would think you would be having to beat them off with a stick by now. If all fails chocolate, cookies or even better when the two are combined can make you feel better. Hugs.
Mariah

Good Evening Ladies,

I'm not sure if anyone of you had this feeling before but lately I suddenly felt a feeling of lack as a woman. I couldn't pin point where this emotion is coming from but it's quite debilitating and it stops me from pushing through with some of my transition plans.

I always feel inferior to a cis woman ugh I know it's the worst thing I can do for my self confidence. However, I get into this conversation in my head about how I will never find anyone, that I will never look a 100% cis woman and I will always be watching my movements/mannerisms that will out me (I know it's silly)

How do you handle your insecurities as a woman? I know this is not personal to us. However, it would be nice to know how you cope with it or how you stop yourself from sabotaging your confidence.

Best,

April

[April_TO]

Ladies,

I have so much respect for you all. Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback.
I'm so fortunate that I have you guys and a small support network that I always go to whenever I feel blah!

I agree with you all about nit picking on our weakness and forgetting the times that we feel empowered by our choice.

Time, Patience and practice is the key.

Love,

April

[Steph34]

Chocolate helps when these moments occur! 

No! Sweets do horrors for body shape, and nothing reduces self-confidence like noticing that one's body looks less feminine than it did last week.

Making sure the estradiol level stays high enough is important. For me, estradiol produces that blissful 'female feeling,' without which I just feel awkward and not feminine at all. Estradiol also helps with physical feminization, which has secondary effects on self-confidence, and many trans women do not have enough estradiol.

[Obfuskatie]

April, planning your transition goals is almost as important as enjoying the time it takes to achieve them.  Remember that you are not trying to become a new person, you are simply allowing yourself to be as feminine as naturally comes to you.  I know it's sort of a foreign concept, but there are butch transwomen.  I think the most important part is finding a happy medium from who you were before and how you want to be in the future.  If you reject everything about yourself that you categorize as masculine, are you really doing much different from hiding all of yourself that was feminine before coming out?  Granted, I know I care a lot when I have little faux pas that out me to some degree.  But I wouldn't feel like a genuine person if I created and wore a new feminine persona all the time either.

I think, more than anything, what we want is acceptance.  But we have to accept ourselves first, before we can feel accepted by others.  This can be super hard, and there are going to be days you want to curl up and watch sad movies for an excuse to cry.

Don't overdo chocolates or sweets either, "nothing tastes as good as being skinny."  At least, that's what I've internalized about my own body-image stuff.

But as Dory said, "Just keep swimming!"

hugs,
-Katie

[April_TO]

Thanks for always being generous with your advices Obfuskatie. I believe that has been the hardest for me (self acceptance) and be able to say to myself that "I am enough". I was thinking of journaling my transition and find a safe space whenever I feel this way so I can just let it go.

Yes to not pretending who we are and yes to being just a better version of us.

Hugs,

April

April, planning your transition goals is almost as important as enjoying the time it takes to achieve them.  Remember that you are not trying to become a new person, you are simply allowing yourself to be as feminine as naturally comes to you.  I know it's sort of a foreign concept, but there are butch transwomen.  I think the most important part is finding a happy medium from who you were before and how you want to be in the future.  If you reject everything about yourself that you categorize as masculine, are you really doing much different from hiding all of yourself that was feminine before coming out?  Granted, I know I care a lot when I have little faux pas that out me to some degree.  But I wouldn't feel like a genuine person if I created and wore a new feminine persona all the time either.

I think, more than anything, what we want is acceptance.  But we have to accept ourselves first, before we can feel accepted by others.  This can be super hard, and there are going to be days you want to curl up and watch sad movies for an excuse to cry.

Don't overdo chocolates or sweets either, "nothing tastes as good as being skinny."  At least, that's what I've internalized about my own body-image stuff.

But as Dory said, "Just keep swimming!"

hugs,
-Katie

[April_TO]

Carrie first of all, I am a subscriber on your youtube channel and your progress has been stellar to say the least. Thanks for speaking my concerns and providing wisdom that it really does get better in time.

Hugs,

April

Having struggled with this for a LONG time myself, the only remedy is time. Reverse the negative self talk. Tell yourself that you ARE a woman, and that you do look beautiful, and that you do deserve someone special. No matter how many times your brain tells you you're not, not matter how much crying you have to do when dysphoria and feelings of inadequacies overwhelm you, just keep pressing forward, keep living your life, and slowly, over time, it will start to fade.

It still hasn't gone away completely for me, but it's slowly been getting better and better with each passing month. As time has gone on, the less I'm a newly-transitioned girl who's scared to death of people judging me and invalidating my femininity, and the more I'm just living my life as just another woman. Once you get to that point where you're just living your life, and you start getting confident that you really are accepted as normal, that nobody but you sees or cares about the things you feel so insecure about, you'll stop worrying so much. Just give it time.

[April_TO]

Katrinaw, always love seeing your beautiful smile. Yes to wine and chocolate LOL.
Thanks babe coming from a beautiful chick like you it really makes an impact.

April

Hi April, gotta go with Julia here, all women feel I secure, that's why the shops are so packed, apart from the fact we all love shopping, period!

It's chocolate plus red wine... Yum match made in heaven 

By the way, love your new Avatar, love the hair color 

L Katy

[April_TO]

Mariah, you are the best girlfriend in the world.
You are always there to give advices and I value all of them - thanks!

Hugs,

April

April, as others have over times things do get easier, but there are times even when you get frazzled to appoint about something in life that causes it resurface in some form. Fore me that was with my voice lately. I had been extremely satisfied with it for awhile and then after the accident where my mom got hurt by tipping out of her wheelchair that I was pushing, like I always do at the time, suddenly resulted in my voice to take a step backwards again for me to lose confidence and feel it wasn't good enough again. I'm not sure why or how, but the two had to be directly correlated in some way and after working through everything that went with that accident for whatever reason the voice I had so gotten used to recently returned along with the confidence in it. In between, I just kept plugging along and trying my best without giving up knowing I would get back there. There is no doubt the fact were not born CIS woman and as result lacking and not being able to certain things can have that affect on us. Don't let that bother you because we are no less woman than they are. The time piece really becomes important with those little nit picky things, even my voice. where practice, perseverance and being less critical of ourselves really becomes important. A lot of what we do becomes second nature as if we had always done it that way eventually and as that happens for you that you find you won't be watching your movements and mannerisms like you are now. Many people, CIS or trans, have difficultly finding that someone so your not alone. It's true I have been in a relationship since December and it's definitely had its trials and tribulations, but I wasn't seeking one at that point it just happened. I wasn't trying to anything special other than be myself. My kindness, helpfulness, and friendliness shined through. It's what has really drawn him to me, even after I told him I was trans which I felt the need to tell him early on, that he is willing and has overlooked those short cummings and clearly forgets them at times all together because of it. Time, patience, perseverance and being yourself  will get you through this. As beautiful as you are, I would think you would be having to beat them off with a stick by now. If all fails chocolate, cookies or even better when the two are combined can make you feel better. Hugs.
Mariah

[April_TO]

I honestly pause whenever I see your posts here at Susans. You provide so much clarity and wisdom and sorts of knocks me out of my pity party cycle.
Having said that Julia, I thank you and know that your posts inspires a new transitioner like myself.

Hugs,

April

Hi April

Chocolate helps when these moments occur! 

But seriously, all these things do come with time and some perseverance and practise.  I also think we beat ourselves up way too much in trying to reach some desired pinnacle of femininity, and it's just not necessary.  When I see a woman throw a cigarette end on the ground with the grace of a truck driver, or watch a girl walk as if she was a rodeo cowboy, I realise that there are no models, and we transgender women try too hard to impose some theoretical ideal upon ourselves.

Give it time and find your equilibrium.  You don't need to be a Barbie doll to be a real woman - you just need to be the person who feels comfortable in her skin.

Oh, and insecurity it a girl thing - all of us have it at times, whether cis or trans.   

Hugs
Julia

[Eva Marie]

Hi CarmenKate-

As an older transitioner that's already lived over half of her life as the wrong thing I know exactly what this feeling is like. The thoughts that help me when i'm feeling less than adequate as a woman are these: A) I am a woman (!) and I happened to be born into an unfortunate situation through no fault of my own, and B) If I had lived the life I should have lived from birth I would not feel inadequate; its my birth condition that is making me feel that way, and C) I am female to the core and I belong in feminine spaces around women. I have earned every right to be in those spaces doing those things, and D) what people think of me is really of no concern to me because no one is walking in my shoes but me - they don't understand and they can just keep their uninformed judgements to themselves. I am finally living authentically as me, for me.

All women face difficulty in their life and one of my difficulties is being born into the wrong body. That doesn't make me any less of a woman, just one with an interesting background and a knowledge of what it is to live life "as a man" with a female brain, with some testosterone damage to my body.

This is a learning process - I find myself at 52 blundering my way through/learning the mannerisms and the social graces that natal females learn when they are kids - not knowing these things is really not my fault and I won't feel bad or less adequate as a women for not knowing them.

I hope that some of these rambling thoughts help. You are a woman - you have every right to be that woman - don't let anyone tell you differently 

[Alyx Vox]

Honestly "passing" shouldn't be a priority here, rather what you think of yourself, don't you agree?
We shouldn't hide, we should embrace who we are. It makes so much easier for certain kinds of people
to demonize something they know nothing about. Awareness is important. Gays had to fight for a place
in society, so should we. I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm trans even if I would pass, I don't care for acceptance,
but I do care about a good fight with a good cause in place. Just saying.

[ImagineKate]

April,

You are further along than I am but I thought maybe I would lend a different perspective.

For me I just let it happen and roll with it.

Mannerisms are huge but I try to just gradually mimic what I see. However I found that it comes naturally now and I am not doing much mimicking now.

I try not to dwell on the negative although it does knock me down at times. But positive reinforcement can bring a huge boost.

Like this morning in the gym I did a really intense cardio workout. Then halfway through another woman (yes ANOTHER woman because I AM one too) came to the machine on the side. She started. I caught her glancing at my machine and ramped hers up to just above mine. After a couple minutes I one upped her and pushed myself harder. She did the same. Eventually we were going neck and neck, both at 25 (I normally do 16-18). I had no idea what she saw me as. Then when I was done I was breathing heavy and hard. She said, "you had me going there hon. Kick ass."

I don't know what to make of it, but I suspect she gendered me female as I have never seen women compete against men side by side like that in a gym unless there was some flirting going on.

Stuff like that keeps me going.

Then last night I ordered Chinese food. Figured I'd try a brand new place. I really didn't go in girl mode. I had picked up the kids from school and I had this massive winter men's jacket on (always gets me gendered male). Went up to the counter, "Sir can I help you." Okay that kind of throws me for a loop. I hate getting misgendered but I wasn't really dressed as a woman. I looked around, pretending to look for someone else, then I said, "oh you're talking to me?" I tried to raise my voice pitch but could only get to the ambiguous range (at least so I thought). Then she took my order. Another person at the takeout place had my order when it was ready... She was looking at me, raising the bag with the order. "You. Your shrimp and broccoli." I thought to myself... rude. Then it clicked that maybe she was having trouble gendering me (which is good). Or maybe not. I do know that people have trouble gendering me now when I am in male mode, so I am not that surprised. My therapist was saying yesterday that she finds it hard to find "guy" in my look now, my body and hair especially would cause people to gender me female. She said that my face is different from a few months ago and there will come a point of no return.

So anyway the moral of the story? Two things:

1. Time! Everyone else mentioned it. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
2. You may be there already and not know it.

Anyway, don't worry and stay beautiful (because you are!)

[ImagineKate]

Honestly "passing" shouldn't be a priority here, rather what you think of yourself, don't you agree?
We shouldn't hide, we should embrace who we are. It makes so much easier for certain kinds of people
to demonize something they know nothing about. Awareness is important. Gays had to fight for a place
in society, so should we. I wouldn't hide the fact that I'm trans even if I would pass, I don't care for acceptance,
but I do care about a good fight with a good cause in place. Just saying.

That's really easier said than done.

Though "passing" isn't as big a deal as it is being gendered properly.

I am at the point where I don't care if people know that I'm trans but I want the proper pronouns without having to remind people. For me I just feel fake if I have to tell people, "it's she not he."

[LizMarie]

April, over in the Trans forum I have a thread (to which everyone is invited to post!!) called "Transitioning Thoughts For Today". It is always positive memes. It may look silly to others, but I personally find that spending a few minutes every day or two looking up positive aphorisms about honesty, integrity, authenticity, facing and confronting change and difficulties with a positive mindset - I find that all these things help reinforce my own positive thought processes.

Since I've adopted these "daily meditations" I've gotten into a much better and positive position about myself. I actually began this several months ago but have been posting these now to Facebook and here for the last few months.

I would suggest taking a few minutes early each day to read something uplifting and positive, and then let your day focus around that thought.