How about these as possible exercises?
A) Look at yourself in the mirror. While looking, say out loud, "I am a boy."
Pause. Examine how that made you feel.
Look in the mirror again, and say out loud, "I am a girl."
Examine how that made you feel, the compare the two.
B) Because you mentioned before you sleep, this may work better.
First you'll need to buy a few things. Scented oils/bath salts, something like a nightgown, fragrant soap/shampoo/conditioner. Pick scents and fragrances you like as well.
Before you go to bed for the night, take a feminine bath, but don't overdo the oils / fragrances pungency. Dress in something like a nightgown and go to sleep after thoroughly pampering yourself. The lingering scents that cling to you will probably be enough to subtly encourage femininity enough to make an impression on you or alter your sleep.
The next day, you can find some way to bathe yourself in masculine smells and try again that night with a reverse effect.
Lastly, it sounds like you are having a mixture of identity crisis and depression, and because of that self acceptance is very important. Do your best to not be self-deprecating. For every negative thing you think about yourself, try to think of a positive one. Or if you are not at a place to egalitarian with yourself, volunteer to help people for charity. Find ways you can feel good about yourself through your actions if not internally. I've struggled with borderline OCD and depressive thoughts as well, and helping other people always boosts my confidence and self esteem even when I'm suffering.
Also, I know it sounds stupid, but if you say out loud, "I'm awesome" in any context enough times, it can positively affect your view of yourself.
The answer to, "You're here early today?" Can be, "Because I'm awesome!" Enough repetitions of this positivity in many situations, and you'll get in the habit of not negative talking in your head.
It's very alluring to try to find an easy solution, but there isn't one. Find the courage to be introspective and work on accepting of yourself. Personally, I think some feminine traits are sexy on a guy, Gaston isn't my type [emoji1] The trick is finding the balance to where you feel happy expressing yourself. Don't call yourself a sissy. Don't shame or blame yourself. You are who you are, there are so many things that go into making us who we are that it is pointless to try to find culprits to point fingers at.
When I get really down, hugs have always helped me nearly instantly feel better.
Hugs,
- Katie
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