Hello, I've been meandering around this board here and there, you may have seen some previous posts. I'm a bit over 7 months into HRT now, and I feel like I have such a back and forth/distorted self image that I honestly don't even know what I look like to others. I think I'm in that odd androgynous kind of phase most seem to hit for awhile but i really don't know. Sometimes....a lot of times when I look in the mirror I still see a boy, albeit a much younger looking one with nicer skin, but still very male looking. Other times, often at work (I work in a construction type field still, and I'm not out to anyone there) I will see myself in the bathroom mirror and pretty much see a girl and wonder what people must be saying behind my back. It's tearing me up because I feel like I have no sense of self physically sometimes. I keep wondering if I should just stop here and detransition, i REALLY don't want to.. and if I'm being real here, I don't think I would survive long if I did. So the only option I see is pushing forward and seeing where things go. I have a feeling if i ever want to "pass" I'm going to need some minor ffs, but I don't know that I'll ever be able to afford it. and even if i get that far, I can't for the life of me find a vocal coach, which again, even if i could find, i can't afford it. and more upsetting to me is that even with a coach i'll likely never be able to sing for people post transition, and as a musician that hurts. electrolysis is already tearing through my funds, and i have a ways to go yet. so i have all these financial worries transition wise, and to make things worse, i dont feel i can stay at this job through the process. its odd because, it's government, so by all rights i can stick it out and nobody can touch me without great difficulty, but I worry more about personal harm from some of the more ignorant folk there. given that we place our lives in each others hands daily, it wouldn't be difficult for them to get careless and just happen to not be looking out for me when something happens. i'm far enough along that i'm going out in a more feminine/androgynous look daily, and everytime i'm alone in an elevator with a guy, or multiple guys i damn near have a panic attack. of course having already been through some sort of sexual trauma prior to transition doesn't help that at all. but i feel like i'm in constant fear for my life lately when I'm dressed on the feminine side, and i'm just imagining this is going to get much worse when I'm far enough into hrt that there is no more hiding being trans (unless i somehow magically pass,but as i said i think minor ffs is in order to fully pass)
*takes a breath*
okay so sorry for kinda just spilling everything out there but i'm way stressed, and i don't have a particularly great support system in place here. I have friends that are still the same as they ever were, but i don't really have anyone i feel close to. i have a boyfriend (ftm trans) that seems to be the exception there, but sometimes i wonder. then again i think the estrogen might just have me turning into an emotional train wreck :s
