Workplace Question

[Kellam]

So today I had coffee with the last close friend on my "tell in person list". We met at work when she started there 8 years ago, I have been there 10. She no longer works there but knows the place backwards and every which way. She clued me in to the fact that there have been at least a half dozen trans folk employed there over the course of her time with the museum. She asked what my plan was as far as coming out at work.

I am an on call employee, sometimes I work 50 hour weeks for a month and a half straight, sometimes just one or two days a week. At the moment I am in the latter mode but a heavy work period will be starting in April. I told her I intend to wait until the end of this month when I'll be out of state with my folks. I should be either aproved for and waiting on the start of hrt or actually on it. My appointment for Informed Consent is at the end of next week. She thinks I should tell HR and my bosses before my appointment, reassuring me that in her opinion nothing will change. The museum is female centric, most of the staff are women as are most of the artists we show.

Is she right? Should I stick to my plan? I would tell the rest of my social circle, including coworkers, via social media around the same time. I am not ready to go full time but I want to alert everyone to the impending changes. I think my other boss is still on vacation in another country too. I have basically stopped wearing men's clothes as I can't stomach it any more and I would rather have questions than whispers. Do my employers and coworkers deserve that much prior warning or...?

[jessical]

Telling HR and your manager early is always a good idea.  HR deals with conflict resolution, and talking to them early will get them on your side, just in case there are any issues down the road.  Plus, it gives them time to setup if you want to use a different name (legal or not), or any thing else they need to do in advance.  I don't think there is any reason to specifically tell them that you are starting HRT.  I would ask if your manager or HR can send out the announcement.  Getting them to send it out, will show that they are supportive.  Shortly after the announcement, meet in person, with the people you work closest with.

Telling people at work before you go full time is tough.  People have a hard time accepting when you are somewhere in the middle.

[jeni]

I haven't been through this yet, as I've not transitioned in public at all, but I don't see the reason to tell them before your appointment. Did your friend have any reason why you should do that, or was it just that she didn't think it would cause a problem?

My inclination would be to wait as long as possible, only sharing the information when necessary to provide time for HR/management to react and make any necessary plans to support you. If they've had transgender employees in the past, I would think they know the drill to some degree. I suppose if I thought I might be inadvertently outed, that might be a reason to go through official channels earlier rather than later.

On the other hand, you sound like you're on a pretty well defined path, so maybe there's not much reason to wait, either. In any event, I don't think any appointments, treatments, etc, are germane to the decision about when to talk to them.

[michelle82]

im in the same boat as you. I just had my initial HRT consult, and will be starting the therapy in about 3 weeks. I've only told my HR department and few close co-workers. I don't plan on breaking the news to my managers, and the rest of my department until I'm a bit more progressed. There is really no need for me to let it be known this early. I figure over the next year my appearance is going to slowly change, between my hair growing out, my face hair being removed, subtle wardrobe changes, etc, by the time I want to drop the news it won't really be a surprise to anyone.

I feel like if I tell everyone now, when I'm still very early in my transition, its just going to be more of a shock. Personally i just don't want the extra attention right now and have the spotlight put on me. I hope that as I progress and slowly become more feminine, when the time comes no one will think anything of it. I also want to have time to sort out the legal aspects of transition like my name change, before being full-time.

[Kellam]

So perhaps I should email HR this week as I won't be back at work until Monday? My department is quite small and I work directly under my two bosses. The most senior of whom is on vacation right now. I'm house sitting for his mother in law. But I could meet with HR next week and talk things out.

My friend said that there have been people at various stages of transition. It is an art museum and she doesn't think it will even cause a hiccup.

Basically the only men's clothes I have worn to work in the past month are t shirts and shoes. This past Monday it was only shoes But everyone in my department wears pants and t shirts. The thing is my hair is still quite short, I have obvious bald patches and I still have facial hair. My Mom may help me with makeup when I go for my visit. Someone is bound to notice and ask me what's up. There is one coworker in particular who is likely to say something if I don't preempt him. Not in a mean way, he is just that way about anything. If I went into the ladies room right now someone would say something. There is only one unisex bathroom I have access to and I have an intestinal thing that would make it hard to use only that one. I just don't know what to do. I feel certain everyone will be supportive and understand that I am in a process. They may even be helpful. My name isn't a problem as I have been going by my middle name for years but plan on reverting to my birth name, or part of it anyway. But that's another story for another thread.

I just want to start living truthfully.

[Kellam]

I forgot to mention that I am friends with my managers too. Not only do I house sit for the senior's mother in law I also house sit for the other when he goes abroad twice a year. I have been their right hand for half a decade.

My friend who got this thought process going knew I was about to come out about something, she didn't know what, when she saw me in the cafe' today. She said the simple fact that my hair was grown out and I had no facial hair was a dead giveaway. I have been all stubble for years.

I want control over this thing, I don't want to be outed I want to out myself before that happens.

My job involves a lot of physical labor and since loss of muscle mass is part of this whole deal, well...

[michelle82]

Ultimately it comes down to whatever you feel most comfortable doing based on your own unique situation. Some people drag out the process of coming out at work (I'm likely going to be one of those people) and others simply rip off the band-aid and get on with it.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way, as long as you live in a state that has transgender discrimination laws in place for employment. If you aren't legally protected in this way, I would maybe consider a slower approach, but thats just me.

I live in New York, and because of the discrimination laws my HR rep basically said "You can come into work tomorrow wearing a dress and heels, and no one can do anything about it", she was being silly but that really opened my eyes. So it ends up being whatever suits your own comfort level.

[Kellam]

Thanks michelle! Here in MA we have protection under the law, our last Governor was teriffic! I'm probably just being the nervous-nelly-worry-wart-over-thinker I always am. I was worried about telling my friend yesterday just because she was raised catholic and I really value her friendship quite highly. But when I told her I was transitioning it was like I had told her I was eating more tuna. Sometimes I let my own private biasses get in the way.

I may just stick to my plan after all with one alteration. Talking to HR seems prudent. But everything else can wait a week or so.

Thank you everyone for your responses. You really helped me think this out!

Hugs.

11:30 am edit ... I just emailed my hr rep, the ball is rolling... Thanks again for all the advice and support!