Psychologist destroyed my self-esteem

[NightOwl18]

I went to my weekly gender councelling sessions yesterday. This time I actually dressed as a male, given that I have started coming out more and more (and also thinking I pass reasonably well). Well the psych brings up that I'm not presenting as a man, so I correct him and say that I am. Then he proceeds to mention my lack of body hair and my so-called girly sandals, and says he would see me as a woman if he had never met me. And this was when I was binding, packing and wearing all male clothing. I thought I was passing, this just destroyed any self-esteem that I had in believing I could pass as male and I'm going to have to look like this until I can get HRT and surgery.

[JustASeq]

I went to my weekly gender councelling sessions yesterday. This time I actually dressed as a male, given that I have started coming out more and more (and also thinking I pass reasonably well). Well the psych brings up that I'm not presenting as a man, so I correct him and say that I am. Then he proceeds to mention my lack of body hair and my so-called girly sandals, and says he would see me as a woman if he had never met me. And this was when I was binding, packing and wearing all male clothing. I thought I was passing, this just destroyed any self-esteem that I had in believing I could pass as male and I'm going to have to look like this until I can get HRT and surgery.

That sucks! A therapist should be supporting you to feel comfortable, not alienating you in your session. There are men with little to no body hair, and not less of men for that. Have you been seeing this therapist long? If it were me I would look for a more supportive therapist if possible.

[MacG]

Why is this person studying your body hair??? Also? They're being a butthole.

[AndrewB]

Sounds like it's time to either find a new therapist or calmly ask that yours keeps his unnecessary opinions to himself. My therapist was super nice, didn't even comment on my lack of binder, and it sounds like you were doing a lot more to pass than I was when I first saw mine!

Good luck to you brother, hope this gets settled. Some people just don't know how hurtful their words can be. 

[Cindy]

That is disgusting.  You need to have it out with the psych and tell them how inappropriate their comments were.

[LoriLorenz]

A therapist should be supporting you to feel comfortable, not alienating you in your session.

This.

I had a counsellor do much the same (different issue, but same kind of situation). I found a different counsellor and you should to! No matter what the results of your sessions, you should never feel alienated like that in a session!!

[gennee]

I'm mtf and I never had much body hair. What your psych said doesn't always hold water. I wonder what was the purpose of the comment he made? Perhaps he may need a little educating about transgender issues.

[Eveline]

That fact that you even have to explain why that's screwed up is a problem. And why should you educate them on your dime? Time for a new counselor...

[Tessa James]

That fact that you even have to explain why that's screwed up is a problem. And why should you educate them on your dime? Time for a new counselor...

I totally agree.  Therapists are capable of bias and ignorance too.  i wasted years with Phd psychologists back in the 80s who insisted I was just really a girly gay bottom.  They were both gay with one suggesting bisexuality is a phase or myth.  my insistence that i loved being with women and men but didn't feel like one was discarded.  If you're a hammer everything looks like a nail maybe??

Please don't waste time with such a disrespectful person.

[cindy16]

I totally agree with what others have said, especially Eveline:

That fact that you even have to explain why that's screwed up is a problem. And why should you educate them on your dime? Time for a new counselor...

My therapist is not a 'gender therapist', but a general one, and I don't pay to see her (it's covered by my employer). Despite this, it would simply be a waste of my time if I had to explain such things to her. Thankfully, I don't think I'll ever need to do that.

Unless this person is a gatekeeper you absolutely need to get through and you have no other option where you are, I see no reason to continue with him. And even then, it may be better to stay away just for your own sanity.

[AnonyMs]

Easier said than done, but try not to take what he said seriously. He's obviously an idiot and as such his opinion is worthless.

And yes, find another one. Not only is a a fool, but he's harming you.

[Paige]

I totally agree.  Therapists are capable of bias and ignorance too.  i wasted years with Phd psychologists back in the 80s who insisted I was just really a girly gay bottom.  They were both gay with one suggesting bisexuality is a phase or myth.  my insistence that i loved being with women and men but didn't feel like one was discarded.  If you're a hammer everything looks like a nail maybe??

Please don't waste time with such a disrespectful person.

I have had my share of winners too.   One psychiatrist in the late 80s basically told me that I disgusted her and she couldn't deal with me.   I also had a friend who was gay and had his masters in psychology tell me that bisexuality was a myth.   I never talked about my transgender side with him, because he had such a closed mind.

I so wish I could of had the two therapists I see now back when I was younger.

Just because they have the piece of paper on the wall, doesn't guarantee they aren't warped individuals.  Many people go into psychology/psychiatry with their own set of problems.

Take care, and find another therapist.  There's lots of them around.
Paige

[suzifrommd]

Take care, and find another therapist.  There's lots of them around.

THIS^^

Though I wish there were a way that we, as a community, could call out therapists who egregiously violate established standards of care.

We are vulnerable. We need to be protected from people like this. He literally could kill people by talking like that.

[Athena]

Even with an easy transition this is going to be one of the roughest if not the roughest times in your life, you need to be able to confide in your therapist and they need to have your trust. I personally having dealt with the mental health field years ago for depression would find it hard to trust a therapist enough as it is. To have a therapist come out and say something like that to me I would never trust them again. What your therapist said to you was totally wrong and if he is a qualified gender therapist I would say he violated ethics.

I will add my voice to the others who are calling for you to get a new therapist, you need to trust your therapist and I don't see this one as being trustworthy at all.

[Devlyn]

I went to my weekly gender councelling sessions yesterday. This time I actually dressed as a male, given that I have started coming out more and more (and also thinking I pass reasonably well). Well the psych brings up that I'm not presenting as a man, so I correct him and say that I am. Then he proceeds to mention my lack of body hair and my so-called girly sandals, and says he would see me as a woman if he had never met me. And this was when I was binding, packing and wearing all male clothing. I thought I was passing, this just destroyed any self-esteem that I had in believing I could pass as male and I'm going to have to look like this until I can get HRT and surgery.

Bg hug! Sorry it didn't go well. I think enough has been said about the counselor, let's talk about you. It's going to take someone who's very secure with themselves to pull off a presentation incorporating clothing that could be interpreted as "being on the wrong person."  If it has a negative impact on you when someone questions your presentation, you may need to work on self confidence, or present in a manner that doesn't bring questions. I'm not saying you need to conform to other people's expectations, but you do need to be able to let their comments roll off your back. I hope this helps.

Hugs, Devlyn

[FTMax]

Sorry to hear this  As someone who has had a bad therapy experience, I definitely understand the mental toll it can take.

But don't fret! There are other qualified people out there who can help you and get you access to the resources you need. I'm not sure what led you to this particular (un)professional, but rest assured, there are good ones out there who won't judge you for how you look, what you wear, etc.

[Amy The Bookworm]

...

I'm going to say what everyone else said. It's time to find someone else.

[NightOwl18]

Thanks for all your messages of support and advice, I really appreciate it. I haven't been seeing this particular psychologist for very long (3 sessions), but I am absolutly going to change psychologists after this incident. I know the Brisbane Gender Clinic has a list of recommended providers, so I'll just see if theres any down Gold Coast way.

[Athena]

Good call, you need to worry about yourself not to have  your therapist judge you