I've mentioned much of my past in other threads. But not all. I had my surgery 28 years ago. When I woke up through the haze of anesthesia, my first thought was "Oh, my! What have I done?" and then I put my hand between my legs and even though there were many bandages there, I felt smoothness. A wave of happiness spread through me like a spring breeze and I fell asleep. I have NEVER regretted having surgery. I went alone. My family did not know. I did not want them to. I knew they would do everything in their power to stop it.
I went to Trinidad, CO because back then, that was pretty much THE place to go. And as I traveled there on the plane, I cried because I felt so alone in my life. Yes I had friends here in California and two of them still stay in contact. But my family was dead set against me. I had been disowned, excommunicated from my church, run out of my job.... the list goes on and on. The loneliness on the trip out there put me in a deep state of depression. It wasn't until I saw Dr. Biber that day for the preop interview that my spirit changed. He was such a decent and kind man and he sent my spirit soaring. I became excited.
Since that time, I have had a wonderful career. The first three jobs were extremely difficult because they eventually found out about my past and held it against me. Back then, people were just getting used to gay people but they could not put their heads around the transgendered. Still, I've had challenging and rewarding work. I made a good salary and had a good life.
I got married in 1992 to a man who told me he loved me even more for telling him the truth on our second date. We had some good times. He left me last September on our 22nd anniversary for another woman. He did mention in his hate rage that he needed a "real woman." I'm not sure that was the real reason though. He got into biking and it was not my thing. Additionally, I'm not bringing home a big salary anymore. As I look back on our marriage, I can see that his was a marriage of convenience. I made a lot of money, brought some sense of respectability to his life, and he obtained many things he would have never had. In other words, he used me. It's all extremely easy to see that he was a sociopath (not violent) who used the well until it dried up and then moved on to another. However, with all that said, we did have some very good years together. I did truly love him and still do. I can forgive him. But this story is so common even among other people that it doesn't stand out. It's just part of the rich tapestry of life.
So, now I'm 59 years old. I didn't think I'd live past 30 when I had the issues with GID. I did attempt suicide twice before my transition. I'm thrilled I failed. I truly have had a wonderful life so far. In fact, I've had two lives rolled into one! I've had marvelous experiences working in the computer field. I designed stuff that everyone still uses. I learned to hang glide. I backpacked half the Sierra Range. I learned to design and build telescopes. In fact, I actually have groupies at astronomy events (now that's a hoot). I performed with our local symphony orchestra for ten years as a cellist (I also play bass in rock bands from time to time). In other words, life is rich.
Life presents so many challenges and rewards. I'm happy to have my life and I'm grateful that I lived in a time when I could correct my "birth defect." I'm still in the middle of a divorce so I don't know where my life will lead me. But I am working on some new novels. I've already published three so far. I suspect I'll continue to perform music somewhere. And for what it is worth, I am now finally getting back with my family. They have learned to deal with this. My immediate family have now accepted me unconditionally. They use my legal name and the correct pronouns. My children are finally starting to communicate. Life is getting better.
You often don't hear much from transgendered people after surgery because we want to disappear into normal society. Most of us don't want to be known as "trans." We want to be recognized as typical men and women. But I think that it is important that for all of you on this most difficult road, that GRS (or whatever it is called these days.... it was SRS when I went through it) is just another hill to climb on our trek. There will be others. There will be meadows, streams, waterfalls, and difficult climbs on your life's path. But you can have a wonderful and fulfilling life.
My best to all of you going through this.
Chin up!
Cindi
