how do deal with unaccepting parents?

[Auroramarianna]

so, hii girls

My mom is having a tough time accepting that I need to this transition. Not only because of dysphoria but also because I'd be better off living as woman as well because I'm so femmie for a guy (even physically) which has led to bullying, harrassment, and me falling in a depression when I was 14 years old.

I resent my mother a lot because she's always had some kind of idea since then, and she's having a tough time accepting me. She tells in family therapy that I need to find myself "within what I am" - and I'm so confused, whatever that means, I don't know, but I think she thinks she has the power to determine who and what I should be when she has not. Or shouldn't. Still kinda controls me as I am 18 and living with her. But mentally she has no control over me. We have, like, no relationship. I don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to me about it either. I don't think I am doing good by not talking, however, I honestly don't feel like talking to her. It seems like she won't listen. What can you do with someone like this? Because I have no idea.

Sometimes I don't even know if she is worried about me or about how others will perceive her if she has a trans child. Or whatever. Can anybody tell me how to get parents to come around? Or, I mean, to at least understand it better?

I'm growing my hair out and making changes. I don't need to practice my voice as it's naturally girly, and I'm going to get laser on the little facial hair I have. Would this help? The other day my mom commented how I have been taking too much from eyebrows. I dunno. Maybe making gradual changes will ease people....

thankies a lot xoxo

[RosieD]

Let me know if you find out. I have nearly three decades of experience on you and I still can't work them out. The closest I have got is believing that they are just as horribly confused by this whole 'life' thing as the rest of us and are doing their best on limited information. Mind you, I think the same thing about my kids, who are roughly your age.

Which is probably quite unhelpful but isn't meant to be.

Rosie

[Wild Flower]

This is my biggest obstacle even though I dont really communicate with my family.... but I see this life as living hell, we must cut the strings off those who do not accept us and move on. View it like a battlefield, you keep going forward even though your past haunts you and youre tired.

Pros and Cons.

Your mother rejects you.... you lose your mother (at worst)
But you lost her because she doesnt love the real you. ...

Or go back and die as a human being. Ive been dead for a long time now.... and would I go back at 18 and tell her im trans....

I dont know cause i didnt have money.

But youre passable now.... take advantage before you lose it or its a lot harder.

[suzifrommd]

Two suggestions:

1. Make sure your mother is educated. She needs to know:
* Being trans is not something you chose.
* It doesn't go away on its own.
* It's serious. Anxiety and depression are common among those who ignore it.
* The most successful treatment is to transition to live as your true gender.
You may need to repeat some of these multiple times.

2. If she persists in not accepting you, you may need to put some distance between you and her. I believe that people who truly love me make the effort to educate themselves about my life and to accept me. Anyone who doesn't, does not have my interests at heart, and I limit how much time and trust I give them. You may find you have to do this with your mother for a time.

Hugs, Aurora. It's very painful when people you love bring negative energy into your life.

[Wednesday]

From my point of view you got two approaches here:

1 - First one, confront her bluntly and straightly. From what you describe your mom looks like (don't take it bad, please) some kind of bully/bossy/overbearing person. Usually this kind of person just regard as equals those who are just as bossy/bully/independent as them are and they look down a bit at those persons who they can control. So, one option, could be to rebalance statu quo between you, proving yourself in some form independent and impervious to her considerations and thoughts. Moving forward and doing what you want to do. There's a true possibility she wouldn't accept it either, so obviosuly this is kind of risky.

2 - Second one, move on stealth and slow (on her back) but steadily and consistenly. Find another therapist, made up some excuse, and go visit him on her back; eventually start HRT under new doc's supervision without telling her... Also make slow but constant moves to open up her comfort zone. For example we know she told you took too much from your eyebrows: ok, keep taking that much and eventually she'll get used to the new eyebrows, then, take a little more, wait for her reply, and keep on taking that "new much" and so on; this way you'll get a much larger comfort zone. Going slow but constant (no stepping back) on those things could help you in two ways. Firstly, enlarging her comfort zone would leave you a much more vast space and capability to be yourself: eventually wearing a girly hairdo, wearing very girly or androginous clothes, wearing make up, purses... etc. Secondly, there's a possibilty she would get it and accept yourself being a woman after viewing those consistent and continous things and how much you'll have changed. Of course this is not for sure, but even in the event of unacceptance, at least you'll end with more freedom to be yourself.

Anyway, key point is to start moving.

[Anna++]

2. If she persists in not accepting you, you may need to put some distance between you and her. I believe that people who truly love me make the effort to educate themselves about my life and to accept me. Anyone who doesn't, does not have my interests at heart, and I limit how much time and trust I give them. You may find you have to do this with your mother for a time.

As hard as this sounds, sometimes it's what you have to do.  My parents had a long of trouble dealing with me being trans, and they spent a few months fighting my decision to transition.  At one point I didn't talk to my mom for 6 months, and drive that time she eventually came around to accepting that I can make my own decisions.  She is still processing my transition, but things are way better now compared to when I first came out.  I'm even planning a trip with both of my parents in the near future!