Finally managed to tell my girlfriend why I am in therapy

[Amy85]

As I've mentioned in previous threads I had wanted to make myself tell my girlfriend all about my issues with my gender and my history of crossdressing. She already knew I have started therapy, and last night I managed to tell her why. She initially took it with a simple "ok" and silence. I think it took a while to sink in but once it did we talked about a lot of things and what I might choose to go through in the future (still somewhat questioning if I am truly trans, and if so I don't know if I will try and transition). We talked for 5ish hours until we fell asleep and then after breakfast in the morning we talked some more. She cried a few times, and she feels terrible about her feelings potentially holding me back from being happy. She also feels bad for being "shallow" because my body changing would matter to her. She isn't sure she could handle a full transition, which is understandable and I told her that much. Living part time as a woman and presenting part time as a man (even a more androgynous one) is an option I had been considering and have told her about, she was more accepting of that, though she still has a few worries when it comes to HRT, such fertility and whether or not I will still like her (maybe she has heard that sexual orientation can change during transition?) and some concern about how I will change physically. I tried to assure her that I will always like her and bring up options to get around fertility like going off HRT to have kids or banking sperm. All her concerns are very understandable, and I knew this would present certain incompatibilities in our relationship that may or may not mean the end of it. For now she wants to stick it out and try to stay together despite her concerns so I guess I dodged my worst case scenario. We've agreed to take it slow and see what happens. Oh, and she said she would be completely fine with crossdressing so I am now kinda regretting my purge of all feminine clothing when we started dating, but now I get to go online shopping to replace some things so that will be fun I wouldn't be comfortable at all with her seeing my dressed up looking as I do now, so me dressing in private when I'm home alone (we don't live together currently) will do a lot to calm the negative feelings that the gender issue brings.

My next therapy session is in a little over a week, and now I've got lots of material to talk about. Also on my to do list is find myself a doctor, as having a doctor is apparently a wise thing to do in general but also is required if/when I decide to go on HRT. And I am thinking that after my next therapy session I will try and bring her with me for the following one so she has a place to talk out her feelings with someone as for the moment I am asking her to keep my secret from everyone.

[PoeticHeart]

I am super glad that you were able to come out to your girl friend and that she was accepting at least to some degree. I'm sure you're therapist will love hearing about this change.

In terms of your relationship, I think what you all are doing is very important. Transitioning isn't something that happens super fast and it takes getting used to for everyone involved. Perhaps in due time she will come completely around, but it is important that you ask yourself some questions. Are you willing to risk dysphoria when presenting as androgynous? Does the benefits of having your girlfriend in those circumstances outweigh the costs of the sacrifices you have to make? Is sexuality a big component of your relationship?

I can't answer these questions for you but I suggest you go on some soul searching.

[Amy85]

I am super glad that you were able to come out to your girl friend and that she was accepting at least to some degree. I'm sure you're therapist will love hearing about this change.

In terms of your relationship, I think what you all are doing is very important. Transitioning isn't something that happens super fast and it takes getting used to for everyone involved. Perhaps in due time she will come completely around, but it is important that you ask yourself some questions. Are you willing to risk dysphoria when presenting as androgynous? Does the benefits of having your girlfriend in those circumstances outweigh the costs of the sacrifices you have to make? Is sexuality a big component of your relationship?

I can't answer these questions for you but I suggest you go on some soul searching.

Those are good questions. Risking dysphoria by presenting androgynously isn't too intimidating to me at this point. I've lived the last 29 years as a man, I can certainly make do with part time as an androgynous man for the sake of holding onto the best thing that has ever happened to me. And sex is of course a notable part of our relationship and she has actually said that she worries that this would mean less of it (since I am already less active in that area than she would like to be). So SRS would mean big problems for us, but I actually am ok with using the male equipment for sex as long as I have it and it works. The only problem pre-SRS then would be the risk of lowered libido as a result of HRT. Something to talk to a doctor about to see if there is anything I can do. 

[kellypatrick]

I admire you for your courage to talk to your girlfriend, I took the easy way out and just left mine. But i tend to like men better anyway. Good luck in your transition and relationship.
hugs kelly.

[Amy85]

I admire you for your courage to talk to your girlfriend, I took the easy way out and just left mine. But i tend to like men better anyway. Good luck in your transition and relationship.
hugs kelly.

Thanks. Personally I have found my relationship to be a great source of strength and it has given me the ability to acknowledge my gender issues and seek help for them. The relationship is important enough to me to fight to keep it.