Hihi!

[Aubrey1day]

Hi everyone, I suppose I will tell my story and how I came to be here writing this post.

I can't really remember a point in my 30 years thus far where I have truly felt comfort with who I am. My life started out rough. Born three months early with a ten percent chance of survival. I did survive though and with no real health issues, physically at least.

It was around 18 when I really started to understand why I felt so uncomfortable in my own body. Mostly thanks to the Internet allowing me express who I felt the true me was.

As I came to the realization that who I was inside was very much female my depression and social anxiety went out of control. My parents were great and while understanding of most things I assumed they would never except this much less be able to do something about what felt like a cruel roll of the genetic dice.

After High school I effectively retreated from the real world and would spend hundreds of hours over the next 12 years trying to live the life denied me in the real world. Bouncing between online games like World Of Warcraft. Balancing on the knife edge that was being the true me which only existed online and trying to keep people from finding out the truth.

Five years ago my mother passed away suddenly. She passed only knowing that I was tormented yet I would never tell her why. I was so scared and ashamed that I just kept it all to myself. I regret that so much and yet now I sit here in the hospital writing this on my phone. My father mere hours from leaving this world. I was able to tell my dad some of what has been the cause of so many wasted years but not the complete truth...He has never been the most understanding of parents. I was afraid it would just break his heart and so I made the promise to him that I would do whatever it takes to find my happiness.

I am not sure what the future holds for me but I wanted to say hello and thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize it is never to late to become the true you. I am going pour myself into this journey so that one day I will be truly happy.

PS: I spoke with some of my remaining family and they fully support my decision. My next step is to explain to my sister. She has already said she will always be here for me and support me no matter what these "big changes" are... *Crosses her fingers*

-Aubrey

[LordKAT]

Hi Aubrey, welcome to Susan's.

You've come to the right place to find information and like minded friends.

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[Myarkstir]

Hey!

Welcome to Susan's

[Athena]

Hi Aubrey1day welcome to Susan's. I am sorry to hear that your father isn't well and I hope that things go well with your sister. Hopefully you will find an extended family here.

[Aubrey1day]

Thank you for the warm welcomes. I am all for extending my family! =)

I live in the Southern US (Arkansas). I have been looking into local support groups but the posts here are what inspired me to finally make the decision I have. I thought this would be the best place to start.

[StrykerXIII]

Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you! Welcome welcome welcome I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hooray! Welcome welcome welcome to Susan's Place todaaaayyyyyy!

[Alexis2107]

HI Aubrey!  Pleasure to meet you, it's a long journey to transition and doesn't happen over night and there is no way to adjust the time line... it will come as it comes, some faster or some slower than others.  Good luck, and yes, having family support, DOES help because you can be who you want to be even around them!

[Aubrey1day]

I am preparing myself for a long journey but I am okay with that. Prior to coming to this decision I was very much towards the "die" side of "do or die". I am hurting over my father and how he will very soon be gone but I have found a lot of peace in the talk I had with him. Equally, gratitude for the promise I made him in this terrible situation has given me the courage and strength to do what I wish I had done years ago.

[Devlyn]

Hi Aubrey, welcome to Susan's Place!  Big hug during this stressful time. You'll move forward from this, scarred but stronger. Glad you found us, and I'll see you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Aubrey1day]

*Hugs* Thank you for your encouraging words.

[antonia]

Hi Aubrey,

I'm really sorry for your loss, you have my deepest condolences.

Sometimes it takes a big shock for us to really be honest with ourselves and others, coming face to face with mortality and realizing life is short does make you wonder.

Like yourself I spent a lot of time hiding out in MMOs and before that books or other forms of Fantasy/Sci-Fi just to escape this world.

I think the best advise possible is do what makes you happy, when other people see that you are happy they in turn will be happy for you.

Hugs

*Hugs* Thank you for your encouraging words.

[Aubrey1day]

I am starting to really see that. I let my aunt read this a little while ago and she gave me such a big hug after. Despite everything that is going on with my dad I feel so much more at peace than I ever have before. I am even rocking my adorable fluffy pink house shoes around the hospital tonight...small steps but they are finally in the right direction. =D

[Aubrey1day]

My father passed away peacefully in his sleep this morning a little after 3am CST. His pain and suffering are over for that I can only be grateful.

Thanks dad for all the things you taught me and though you may have been joking when you would say "You will make someone a great housewife." It always made me glow inside and not just because I loved to cook for people. Maybe you somehow knew? I hope I can prove you right. =)

[Athena]

I am sorry for your loss.

[LordKAT]

Hugs, losing a parent can be hard.

[Aubrey1day]

Thank you both. It has been hard but knowing that he is at peace now gives me great comfort and affords me the strength to keep moving forward.

[Athena]

Good for you stay strong.

[Devlyn]

Aubrey, I'm sorry. Big hug. My friend said almost the same words your dad used.

"You're going to make a great wife for someone"

She was eating my guacamole at the time. 

We're all here for you, hon.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Aubrey1day]

*Hugs* Thank you it really means a lot. I was holding it together until a few minutes ago. I put on his favorite song. Weight of Sound by Stick Figure and now I am going go do my 6 miles for the day and if I cry the entire time that is fine by me. =)

[gennee]

Hi Aubrey and welcome to Susan's. You have my deepest sympathies over your loss. It's okay to cry and let out your emotions. It's wonderful that you have much support also.

By the way, my parents were from Arkansas.