I guess coming out really goes in stages. The first person that I had to come out to as really being a woman was myself making me MtoF. This was really difficult being born in 1946 and living in small town and rural Dakotas and fearing for my survival if anyone guessed my secret.
When I was thirteen and my sexual identity was being forced upon me by puberty, I made a pack to deal with the issue when I was much older, fearing that if I dealt with my gender identity issues as a youth I would end up dead in the gutter wearing a dress. So I was staying in living as what I like to characterize a dyke female masquerading as a male. I was fearful of demonstrating even a little hint of femininity consciously, but unconsciously, I am not so sure. I was picked upon as being a new kid, but never really being a sissy, but looking back I think that in many ways I behaved as a female might. I didn't insist on having male things, like a 22 rifle or a driver's license, or a car, or to be put into the game when I went out for male sports. I just waited politely for the coach to notice me and put me in the game. This rarely happened. Did the coach sense that I as a skinny kid was not up to going head to head with the tough guys? I don't know. Then again, when I competed with the guys at ping pong and I sensed that they need to win, as a good girl, I choked and let them. When I went took another girl to my senior prom, I hardly knew what to do. The brash cocky guy just wasn't there. How much I was out and how much I was in the closet I just don't know even to this day.
Extreme fear kept me from acquiring any female clothing until I was married at 25 when I could squirrel away my ex's clothing that was going to the thrift shop and wear in private moments. Washing the families clothes was also one of my household chores during all 27 years of my marriage. Then I was out when my ex-wife was at work and the kids were asleep, consciously. Unconsciously, well, I came home after work every night to help with the kids, never had a guys night out, or after work beers with the guys, did every female chore with the kids except nurse them, and carry them in my womb. So in many ways I was out more in my behavior as a woman, than as a man.
When my marriage was over when I was 53 and home alone, I was Michelle 24/7/365, because I wore bras and panties all the time, but at work I was still that dyke presenting as a male, and a more effeminate Michelle at home, alone. At home inside and outside the house I was Michelle, so I guess to my neighbors I was out while at work not so much. But, I was a school teacher, and people talk, so who knew what they knew, but they never called me on it. I meant someone who had kids, whom I was out to as female, who accepts me as a male crossdresser but not as the woman I am. So until I retired at 62 I was out at home and in the closet at work then I was out 24/7/365.25 in my public life, my private life, and my internet life, which meant that I was out to all of my family, friends, and past students who had Facebook.
Coming out as a feminine woman publicly and not as a dyke, just meant that I had more freedom to chose how I wanted to dress and wear makeup, and how effeminate I wanted to be. But taking so long to be myself meant that most of people saw me as the dyke pretending to be male, but probably not being very male in reality. So I am stuck with most of my male physical characteristics and male socialization while emotionally being more of a woman.
Because at thirteen, I decided to deal with my femaleness when I was older sooner or later those chickens came home to roost. I lost my female teenage years and young adult years. I lost my feminine voice and physical characteristics. I am just a little old toothless grandma with big hands and really big feet and a stubbly feeling face. Light hair so facial hair not noticeable unless I don't shave for a long time to look at.
So what does it mean to be out. It means being yourself. Maybe in some ways I was out as a woman all my life and really never hid anything. When I came out on Facebook, nobody showed any surprise or just instantly unfriended me. So who knows maybe despite all of our fears, some people suspect that somehow we are different, but don't know how or what. The longer you wait to transition the more past you have and the more likely you will always be transsexual among those people who have known you all your life and the more costly it will be to make physical gender changes.
If you are a male to female transgendered how do you know how you want to live your life if you don't come out. Hiding just keeps you frozen in time emotionally, while physically your body goes through all of the stages of life.
