Much Needed Advice

[BioS]

So! I actually joined this site to find advice and help for my best friend. It's been pretty helpful and I've read a lot (mostly personal problems or issues that people have come across so that I can better address things as they arise for my friend.) He's come out to me as female to male and I believe to a couple of our friends, but otherwise most people simply view him as a tom boy and he doesn't want anyone to know. Not yet anyway. For a while now he's been talking about 'running away'. Packing his bags, moving far away, and starting a new life as a man. He's quite serious about it and has begun enlisting my help in finding apartments in other states, primarily in Arizona. I have come to realize that he has assumed that I am automatically going to go with him. I think it's all a terrible idea and I have tried to express this but he's got quite the temper and I feel like this needs to be treated with a type of sensitivity that I honestly lack naturally.

I'm not entirely sure what I should say to him in order to get my point across. He is extremely stubborn and one of those 'set in their way' kind of people. I don't want to come off as insensitive or unsympathetic. I can cognitively understand the choice and I wholeheartedly believe that it is indeed his choice, but I believe he is choosing this for the wrong reasons. If it were simply because he wanted a change of scenery or wanted something in particular (higher education, cheap housing, new opportunities, etc.) I would be all for it... I just don't think it is.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I believe he is trying to essentially run away to avoid facing this in a place we've lived nearly our whole lives, in a town where everyone knows everyone, and even if you don't know them you still know someone indirectly. Essentially, I think he's afraid of the outcome. I can only assume he doesn't want anyone to find out, or be embarrassed or worse. I've tried to talk to him about it through casual conversation. He just gets grumpy and snappy when I even suggest that he should stay and deal with things here first. From what I've experienced about accepting yourself, running away is about the worst thing you can do to yourself mentally. I don't want him to feel self loathing, but I don't want him to feel regret either.

His parents are about the dang near most homophobic people you'll ever meet, but they love him, and he loves them very much. He loves his friends and his family, and he has a big heart. I know him well enough to know when he is evading and I think if he follows through with what he's got planned he's going to regret it. Heck, he stopped talking to a friend because after the umpteenth time they screwed him over, he just had enough... And he still feels bad about it even though he doesn't even like them anymore... Like I said, I could be wrong, and in a way I hope I am.

But any advice on what I could say, or anything I could do to help him out would be great. I would like to know if anyone went through what he is going through and how they were able to pull out of it. Or, if people are feeling this way now and what they believe would help them or make them feel better. I suppose I am willing to take a step back and allow him to do his thing, but I wonder if that is the right thing to do. I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him by not following him on this journey, but I can't justify following him and empowering the fear to rule his life either. Each option seems like a crap right now. :/

Thanks. ^^

[Cindy]

Hi,

I'll put some thoughts together, has he been to a therapist?

The reason I ask is he may find talking to a therapist may help him deal with society as a transman, it is the sort of role that a good therapist can help with.

Acceptance issues are always a problem, is he on T and if so has that masculinized his face etc? The men I know in Adelaide just pass so well that no one would ever recognize that they were natal female. Same with the guys on the Forum, some real hunky men! But I believe it takes a while for T to have its effect, same as E in the girls.

I agree with you that running away is not a good way of dealing with his problem, and his anger issues are also something he needs to deal with.

I'm a bit lost to suggest what to say to him though, except maybe lay it down that you are not leaving where you are. It is very unfair to expect you to leave your friends etc

[Ms Grace]

I have come to realize that he has assumed that I am automatically going to go with him. I think it's all a terrible idea and I have tried to express this but he's got quite the temper and I feel like this needs to be treated with a type of sensitivity that I honestly lack naturally.

Hi. It's you're life to live how and where you want to. Just because you don't want to go with him doesn't mean you are being unsupportive - he needs to understand that this is his thing and his alone and that he can't rope you in on it. If he wants to run away to another state to start his life afresh that's his choice, you are no under no obligation to go with him. I know it can be hard to stand up for yourself and what you want against angry people - all you need to say is "I'm sorry, I'm not going with you."

[TrojanMan]

I basically 'ran away' when I came out. I changed schools and cut contact with all of my friends.I told my family, and they were all very supportive. However, there is another trans man at my school who is out and proud. He came out to all his friends and stayed at his school. That being said, only a handful of people treat him like a guy. He is constantly misgendered and bullied. This is something that no one should have to deal with. I understand completely how your friend feels, and I respect you greatly for trying to help him. As a trans man, coming out is absolutely terrifying, which is why none of my friends know I was born female. Your friend is scared, and with good reason. He might be a little hasty in his decision to move to a different state. He might just need to change jobs or schools, and make new friends. You might think he is being a coward, but you have no idea how hard it can be to come out. Sooner or later he needs to tell his parents. I think that if he does tell anybody, it should be one of his parents first. Be patient with him, but I would not feel obligated to move with him so don't feel bad about that.

[JandJ]

I don't know how helpful this will be for you, but I can relate to your frien wanting to relocate.  I too live in a tiny town near where I was born and I cannot wait to sell everything and never look back!  I am probably older than your friend and I think with age you do learn to not care so much what others think.  But, with that said - I know that I could walk down the street with a beard and mustache and everyone there would still SEE me as female!  I have been able to temporarily relocate for the past few months and I have been very happy and content. Here, I have not been mis gendered once!  I am seen by everyone (except family!) as male.  I know when I return home, that will end. 

If your friend is sure that he wants to transition, it will be a much more difficult journey there.  Open communication is my only suggestion for the two of you.  Just be honest, let him know up front that you support and understand, but don't want to move - if that's where you are at.

[BioS]

@Cindy: I'm pretty sure he's talking to a therapist or someone at least. He refers to the person he is currently speaking to as his doctor. He hasn't started T. He said he thinks he is ready for it but the physical changes would be too noticeable and he doesn't want anyone to know. I'm not entirely sure that his anger will ever go away or can be helped at this point. He's been this way since we were teenagers.

@Ms Grace: I will give my best attempt to simply be direct about it. Fingers crossed. ^^

@TrojanMan and JandJ: That all I can understand. I know he's afraid, and I do believe that moving could be a good situation for him and an end goal. But I am worried about the consequences of his actions and the mental effect that it will have on him. If he moves away without telling his family and friends why, how is he going to feel essentially never talking to his parents or brothers and sisters again? I think it would eat him alive inside. He essentially wants to run away and cut off all connections except with me and our little handful of friends. And I get the appeal, but I feel like moving away and starting new is something he should think about while transitioning to see if it's something that he truly wants or something that he just wants right now because of where he's at... :/ It's tough... But I'm going to try what Ms Grace suggested, just being forward, and hope for the best.

Thank you all for the advice.

[aleon515]

I live in a pretty liberal place and just transitioned right where I am. I do not get bullied re: my gender and am not constantly misgendered. In fact people have gone from calling me ma'am to calling me sir. Just strikes me as very strange when young trans people come out and aren't accepted. I understand about JandJ who lived in a very conservative town in the midwest. But I did kind of have to educate people and it did take time of testosterone working.

I do understand re: people "running away" esp if they live in conservative areas or have conservative family members. Just want to say that's just not always how things are.
But T has a period that it takes to work, it's a fairly short period but for about a year plus or minus you are in this middle zone. I feel it's a very awkward stage.


--Jay

[JDeclan99]

I experienced something similar to your friend growing up. I live in Florida and came from an extremely small, conservative town around Tampa. I had lived there just about my whole life and everyone knew me. I went to every grade of school there, I worked at the local grocery store and you couldn't even walk down the street without a neighbor stopping their car to chat or coming across a schoolmate in their yard. I dreaded my transition there. I attempted to come out and be open, but only about half of the staff at work used male pronouns and I was constantly misgendered by customers. My parents, even though supportive, never used the right pronouns. I wasn't on horomones at the time either, hadn't seen any doctors.

I got the offer to move to Gainesville to stay with my best friends and start school, but secretly I really wanted to go because I wanted to start over with my transition. I started horomones the month I moved up here and for the most part, everyone is pretty respectful of my wishes but the misgendering never stopped. I still am misgendered at my job and often at school, and still get loads of opposition daily about my transition. But the worst part is going home. If your friend ever plans on going home EVER, they are going to want to do themselves the favor of coming out there first. The first time I went home, it was a disaster. People were talking about my voice being so deep and treated me strangely and still misgendered me. It's very difficult for people who have known you a long time and then suddenly see you again out of the blue to process those extreme changes and it causes a strange rift with your home town. He has to be honest with the people he grew up with, including his parents. If he finds that there is too much opposition for him to be happy, then I think you should allow him to consider the possibility as long as he thinks of every single important step he'll need to take to move out on his own and away from everything he knows.

Remind him that he is the man that he is today because of all those people, and leaving that place behind isn't going to erase all the struggles he will face as a young transman.

[BioS]

@aleon515: I believe it will be a lot less horrific of an experience for him than he thinks it will be. I know there are some horrible people in the world and that will give anyone a reason to be afraid. But I don't think he should be. I think the worst thing that could happen is his family disowns him. Which I can only assume (sarcastically) he doesn't care about because he's planning on leaving and never speaking to them again anyway. XD He'd still have his friends, which is more like family to him anyway. I just think because of the way his parents are and the remarks they make (and probably have made his whole life) that it's created a fear inside of him. I know he couldn't give two hoots about what other people think about him. People who care don't matter and people who matter don't care, kind of thing.

He has a very, 'Get Bent' attitude towards people. He's one of those people who will tell someone off in the blink of an eye just for looking at him funny. I honestly believe once he comes out completely and all the nerves and stress of it is shed, he's going to start telling people where to shove it if they don't like it. At least, this is what I hope.

@JDeclan99: I agree. I can't imagine him not speaking to his family ever again. He's a tough cookie, but I don't think his heart could handle that. And that is the feeling that I want to try to avoid. All of those negative feelings you feel and have felt. In my head, that is similar to how it will work out. He'll run away, get homesick, and then show up and try to explain all the change. I've run scenario after scenario through my head and somewhere along the line he's going to end up hurting in one way or another. But I think he has better chances of not hurting if he has the support of the people who have shaped his life.

-o - But what do I know, y'know? I'm just going off of speculation and theory, and have no legitimate experience with this, so all of the help and information is much appreciated.