Hello, I am 21 years old and will be 22 in July. I have a wonderful 2 year old son, I enjoy the goth and alternative subcultures, I love drawing, singing, playing music, retro gaming and collecting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stuff.
So here is my story of how I got here.
I was born a boy named Levon, I was born into an uptight christian family with some really mixed signals and feelings towards each other. My family is very loving but really didn't fit together very well. My dad is a musician and was in bands and touring off and on, my mom is a christian who is and was against pretty much anything that could be taken oddly, though she has lightened up. I grew up always feeling different from all the other boys i spent time with but like i had to fit the mold because that's what i was told. Any time i showed interest in anything associated with the female gender my mom would get very over-protective and tell me I couldn't be interested in it or do it because I was a boy. I knew I was more intact to a female perspective than a males though.
By middle school I had become a complete outcast, being a nerd, and exploring my fascination with the goth culture I became the subject of bullying. I became depressed from the overwhelming feeling of being criticized for my interests and style, and severely uncomfortable with having a very feminine body and having to change in a boys locker room. I was confused by my constant thoughts of wishing I was a female and having been mistaken for one so many times over the years. I turned to self-harming as an outlet for my stress and confusion.
By high school I was away from the bullies and started attending a new school. I was a bit more comfortable but still confused as to what was going on in my head. I was attracted to women and had been in several relationships with them but I couldn't figure out why I still had a desire to be female. I started getting really weird feelings from my mother like she had been against the things I liked for a reason. I eventually became under the belief that my mom had been lying to me and that I may have been born both genders and that she had been pushing me as far away from the female related things, yet somedays she would clearly state she had wished I was female and would push female related things towards me. I didn't know what to think or believe and eventually I just gave up and tried to forget about it.
By age 19 I had been in a relationship with a girl who I had all intentions to marry, had a baby boy with her and did my best to be a good daddy. our relationship ended badly and I eventually found myself a few years later in a relationship with a girl who was bisexual. I started feeling all those feelings of wanting to be a girl even more and more, and when she told me one day that she sometimes would wake up wanting a girlfriend I told her how I felt all those years. How I hated my body, I hated being male, how I always felt more in touch with my female side. She seemed very supportive and open to it and it led to me trying to be more feminine to please both myself and my girlfriend. A while after I had started trying to be more feminine she told me she was kind of uncomfortable with it. I was confused because it felt like I wasn't good enough as a boy but I wasn't good enough as a girl. We became engaged and I did my best to just push the feminine side of me away and fight it .
Well about a week and a half ago we broke up due to her finding interest in another guy. I am torn apart and feel so lost. But in all the midst of confusion and heart break I have come to realize that this is the time for me to discover who I truely am, to become the real me. Then in time, I hopefully will find a love who truely cares for me and loves me no matter what I am.
So that brings me to where I am now. I am 100% positive I want to be female and have always felt that somewhere deep in my heart, and now is the time to work on that. I chose the name Abbigale because it disconnects me from my past and I have always loved that name. I want to be a beautiful, women and feel safe and secure in my body. But i have so many fears and concerns about it. I am hoping to find help, advice and support from other trans-women.
I know my story is probably stupid to a lot of others, but I really cant describe it properly without going into a huge dramatic journal worth of information that no one really wants to hear.
I just want to be Abbigale, i want to be the beautiful goth girl I have always felt is living inside of me. the one who sings her heart out, and has had a very complicated and rough life (alot of which I didnt mention), but will over come it all and be happy with who I have become. I am constantly mistaken for a female and am called Miss or Young Lady on a daily basis in public and at work, but I want that to go from being mistaken for one to actually being one.
I love it but at the same time it hurts every time I hear it because I know that its not true. I'm scared that going through this process with mess with the way people view me as a parent and could potentially mess up my custody rights. I have my son about 70% of the time and we have a very strong relationship. He has had issues with his mom and her boyfriends in the past and I just wanna make sure I never put any of that stress on him. Being only 2 years old and not speaking full sentences though, I feel like its probably the best time to do this as opposed to when hes older. I want to raise him to be loving and supportive of others and always be open to others feelings. I just need advice and support on everything and anything I can do. Parenting, coming out as a trans-women, becoming a more believable woman, etc. I appreciate anyone who sat through reading all of this. I know its really scattered and probably doesnt make a lot of sense but I truely appreciate it.
- <3 Abbi
