The earliest therapist appointment I could get is in over a month and this would be something I'd normally discuss there, but since I don't have that option, here it is.
After the last great purge, I met someone through a mutual friend and pretty much fell in love, lived with her, was engaged and all that. We had some problems with living together and went our separate ways, continuing on as friends instead. The problem is she doesn't seem to want just friends anymore (it's been 3 months) and keeps pushing, like a lot. The number of emails and tone of each that I got today suggest she's angry about me working instead of responding to her. I really don't want to lose her, but she made it pretty clear during our relationship that she doesn't like feminine men (I was nowhere near feminine while I was with her). I'm without a doubt planning on starting the actual transition soon, not just the part where I figure myself out. That part took about 35 years.
I don't want to come out to her right now for a couple reasons, although I do plan to later when the time is right for me. For one thing, she's getting pretty emotional right now over the just friends thing and I think it'll devastate her to know that I lied to her during the whole relationship and that I'm not even close to the person she thought I was. The other issue is that during the breakup, she talked to EVERYONE including the neighbor that had just moved in the week before. If I tell her, this is going to hit the mutual friend that I've known since high school. That friend is also a talker, so it could end up hitting my Facebook page where my coworkers and family are also. I really want to come out to them myself when the time is right. She's really pushing right now to meet up tomorrow and I would like to see her, but if she decides she wants to see my new place, I'm right back to hiding all the girl mode stuff to avoid having to come out too soon. I could say it's the girlfriend's stuff, but I'm sure that will lead to a meltdown.
She also keeps telling me she loves me and wants an answer about that from me. The answer is yes, but I can't tell her that without landing in the "I don't understand how you don't want to make this work if you love me" arguments where the only way out is to tell her I'm trans.
How the heck do I handle this?
