Looking for Post-Op Support

[joannaelyse]

Hey girlies,

I am going through a weird time right now with my love life/sex life/post op life and hoping I can talk to some girls who have been through similar things. I'll start with a little background.

I began my transition at age 14 thanks to supportive parents and available resources, and ended up having SRS with Dr. Meltzer in 2008 at the age of 18. When I first turned 19 I entered into my first serious relationship, which happened to be with a woman even though I mostly am interested in men. The relationship lasted almost 3 years until I was 21, and ever since, my dating life has been really all over the place. (Oh, and I'm 24 now by the way, so post op for six years now)

The main reason I struggle is mostly related to my issues with intercourse. Like I said, I'm mostly into men, but I am wondering if my body does not allow for successful penetration. My dilators measure my depth around 4.5 inches, which I know is not great, but in addition to that, I have had some traumatic experiences that have caused me to tense and tighten up even when I want to have sex with a guy. I've noticed that if a guy is average or small in size I'm usually able to have sex, but it is almost always difficult, if not impossible.

I'm concerned that after all of this time I'm going to require more surgery to be able to engage in a healthy sexual relationship. I also struggle with when to tell guys about my history, because most of them can't tell that I'm trans upon meeting me. I am scheduled to see a doctor in a couple months who specializes in trans stuff to see what's going on physically but does anyone have experience along these lines? Is it possible to increase depth/width of a post-op vagina without further surgeries? Like could I potentially improve my situation with increased dilation?

Any words of wisdom or guidance would be much appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

I wrote a post then my connection failed, Goddess I hate that!

OK there was survey released in the last weeks on average penis size and it came out that the average man is 5", so we all know they boast

So your depth is fine for the average man - they can't get it all in after all

I was thinking that maybe it is a relaxation thing, making sure your man understands what you want, lots of foreplay and you initiate when penetration occurs.

Many ciswomen also complain of freezing up and being too tight and the advice to them is along the same lines.

If your man is way above average, well smile and be creative!

[joannaelyse]

Thanks Cindy your words mean a lot to me! I find it's hard to focus on what I want/enjoy because I'm always so worried about pleasing my partner. But sex should be something both parties enjoy so that is one of the things I'm working on discovering

Even 6 years post op and I feel like my journey is just beginning!

[Cindy]

Oh if you are worrying about pleasing your partner, stop now!!

It is up to him to please you!! (said a bit tongue in cheek!)

Yes good sex means both people love and want to please each other. and it is a learning experience.

Maybe you need to set the mood.

Send him a message during the day saying you look forward too making love.

Let him know that you want to be wooed.

Set up the evening, maybe some nice food, no TV or computers. Have a nice bath and wear something nice.

Romance him and tell him you want to be romanced.

Take your time, enjoy each others mind and bodies. Lots of kissing. Maybe a massage each. Keep away from each others genitals.

When you are ready you will know.

[Northern Jane]

That's a problem that I had many years post-op, seeming to become tighter, even to the point of my partner commenting on it. What worked for me is to let him know that I needed LOTS of time to warm up and that fingering helped. Reaching a sufficient level of arousal goes a long way to loosening things up.

[Jenna Marie]

It is usually possible to increase width, but it actually sounds like you have a different problem - the good news is, cis women have the issue of tightening up/clenching due to worry or fear, so there are quite a few sex therapists out there with some experience dealing with it. You may or may not need a trans-experienced person if it's all in your head, as it were (sorry!). You could try looking for someone who treats "vaginismus."

[Laura_7]

This could have to do with hormone levels.
There are private clinics specializing in that kind of treatment.
One specifically states that after hormone treatment of their trans patients.

Its like a menopausal vagina.
Correct levels of estrogen, progesterone and even a very low level of testosterone might help.
With libido, and some say even depth.
Pellets or topical might be a good way, avoiding spikes and possibly a low hours later like with oral. This also might affect mood.

There should be experience out there if you do not want to go to special clinics... its known that hormone treatment of menopausal woman could make a real difference...

Hi Hon,

I wrote a post then my connection failed, Goddess I hate that!

This is often a sign
that something is missing... or not yet time...

[Blush]

Width is both to do with the neovaginal canal AND the outside skin leading to the canal. Stretching the canal is one thing, but stretching the outside skin is another. Discuss this with your surgeon. Hormones won't make any differences in the physical state of the neovagina. Selflubrication yes, width/depth no. If women aren't aroused then depth really doesn't happen, width is debatable. I'd avoid consulting someone in regards to vagimus; it's unrelated. Completely different muscle groups, causes, treatments. Foreplay is common knowledge. I'm with Cindy, focus on the mental aspect as well. Helping your mind to destress will help your body to destress.

[Laura_7]

Hormones won't make any differences in the physical state of the neovagina.

There are people who state it does. They say the neovagina tissue reacts like that of a menopausal vagina. Meaning stopping or even reversal of atrophy etc... there are experiences of people, you might look it up. They say they have recovered some depth after adjustment of hormones and continuing of dilation.

Of course there are no guarantees.

I'd agree that a holistic approach, including a mental approach, some exercises, and a healthy nutrition should be of advantage...
a few minutes of sunlight on the skin every day is said to help with mood, for example, by producing some transmitter substances...

Meds could play a role... they also play a role in cis people... it might be possible to switch if reduced libido is a known side effect, for example...

Well and you might take the time you need with your partner to build some trust and arousal... you might tell them, there are many women who also prefer an intimate connection... I'd say take the time you need, and talk to your partner...
and you could think about counseling if you feel it could help...

[2cherry]

Hi joanna,

I think I have similar issues with intimacy... I am learning as well, so not very experienced with being intimate. I am 5 inch depth max, which should be enough for most as it never goes into it fully. I do get a little tense when a guy insists upon going very deep, but most woman have the same issue. 4-5 inch is normal for woman, beyond that the uterus is located, making sex just as painful. So we have a valid concern about going too deep, and I simply refuse, like many woman do (I think?) My main issues can be girth, not wet enough... and copious amount of lube which makes is very unsatisfying at times...

Reaching orgasms isn't possible for me on penetration alone, so the only enjoyment I seem to get is some psychological enjoyment/fantasy of being penetrated, which is fine to me, but I really would be able to reach an orgasm when with a guy... maybe in time. I can do it by myself, rubbing against pillows, but it takes time and concentration. While being with a guy I am thinking too much about hurting myself, worrying I might tear something, which really is annoying...

So I am not sure... I think your depth should not be a problem. Many woman struggle with big guys. The average is about 4.5 - 5 inch depth and the same for length. Having an average guys is much more satisfactory, as you can do anything without worry... bigger isn't better, sadly...

[Beth Andrea]

The main reason I struggle is mostly related to my issues with intercourse. Like I said, I'm mostly into men, but I am wondering if my body does not allow for successful penetration. My dilators measure my depth around 4.5 inches, which I know is not great, but in addition to that, I have had some traumatic experiences that have caused me to tense and tighten up even when I want to have sex with a guy. I've noticed that if a guy is average or small in size I'm usually able to have sex, but it is almost always difficult, if not impossible.

I'm thinking something unwanted happened? Have you seen a the*apist for this?