Social misreads and developing one's own personal operating system

[Newgirl Dani]

Yeah I know, long title but I believe the two are very interconnected.

Let me illustrate a recent event in order to show how I've discovered a new found threshold in my transition:  The other night a gf/friend was enjoying dinner at a local pizza restaurant.  Once at our table, sitting right next to us at a lengthy table was about 8 or 9 guys waiting for their own pizza.  I've recently made the decision to go full time 'everywhere' I go, so I was in full on makeup, lipstick, maxi-skirt, boots, and my ever present leather jacket (which I truly think would require surgical removal  ).  Anyway, having pretty darn good peripheral in combination with my own version of 'spidy-sense' it was fairly obvious that I had just inserted an enormous visual monkey wrench into their evening.  Being the oh I dunno, the 'in your face' type of personality, I looked directly into their eyes causing the inevitable averting of eyes thing.

OK, no problem (with the exeption of my gf looking at me, smiling and saying "your bad"), on to eating pizza.  After probably 10 or 15 minutes of chatting, eating, and having a good time, the second thing happened.  A group of young girls were leaving (obviously from some type of backroom party) each one holding onto a helium filled balloon.  I guess something funny happened that I did not notice and at a different table a short distance away a guy with his gf started to laugh at whatever it was and turned to look at me.  For just the quickest of moments I 'think' I noticed that (what?) but he continued to smile without removing his gaze from me.  I DID NOT KNOW how to react, I averted MY gaze just slightly to avoid the direct eye contact.

Here is I what I learned:  One, I just may have perpetuated a negative idea of transgender (if there was one) with the table full of guys OR put a negative notion to their experience if indeed it was just strictly mild curiosity.
Two, my OWN perception of (maybe ? ) EXPECTING a negative look from the other guy, when all he was doing was reacting to his own decision to treat the happening as nothing more than something funny happening, caused me to react in an uncomfortable manner.

RLE is a very interesting path of self discovery, not just in how to react with new found emotions, but in finding those little bumps in the road that are sign posts indicating our own bias.  I believe the type and order of magnitude we can expect from public opinon is "at times" directly related to our own personal introspection.   Dani     

[Beverly]

RLE is a very interesting path of self discovery, not just in how to react with new found emotions, but in finding those little bumps in the road that are sign posts indicating our own bias.  I believe the type and order of magnitude we can expect from public opinon is "at times" directly related to our own personal introspection.   Dani     

I feel that RLE is greatly undervalued and often misunderstood. Many seem to see it as a dreadful thing and I have read many accounts of people doing as much as possible to avoid it. My own RLE was not particularly smooth especially in the beginning but I learned a lot about myself and people around me and I learned it very quickly.

The biggest lesson I learned was that, even if people "read" you or "clock" you that does not have to be a disaster. In fact most people are just vaguely curious but little more than that.

Even now, after being fulltime for some years I still wonder. I still sometimes see people looking at me and wonder if they are clocking me as TS. A cis-female friend says that they are not because she gets the same sort of look. She has been with me and seen others look at me and so she can judge it directly for herself. It does however show the difference between what we think we see and what others see. Because of our history we think we have a secret to be found out, that can be divined by studying us when what is really happening is nothing of the sort.

[Newgirl Dani]

I feel that RLE is greatly undervalued and often misunderstood. Many seem to see it as a dreadful thing and I have read many accounts of people doing as much as possible to avoid it. My own RLE was not particularly smooth especially in the beginning but I learned a lot about myself and people around me and I learned it very quickly.

The biggest lesson I learned was that, even if people "read" you or "clock" you that does not have to be a disaster. In fact most people are just vaguely curious but little more than that.

Even now, after being fulltime for some years I still wonder. I still sometimes see people looking at me and wonder if they are clocking me as TS. A cis-female friend says that they are not because she gets the same sort of look. She has been with me and seen others look at me and so she can judge it directly for herself. It does however show the difference between what we think we see and what others see. Because of our history we think we have a secret to be found out, that can be divined by studying us when what is really happening is nothing of the sort.

Very interesting and very true, thank you for this.  It is nice to hear from someone with long term life experience, sooo cool.   Dani

[suzifrommd]

I feel that RLE is greatly undervalued and often misunderstood. Many seem to see it as a dreadful thing and I have read many accounts of people doing as much as possible to avoid it.

Remember thought, there are some people who suffer from body dysphoria but not social dysphoria. They'd like their body fixed but are perfectly fine with living as men. For such folk, RLE is an imposition.

The biggest lesson I learned was that, even if people "read" you or "clock" you that does not have to be a disaster. In fact most people are just vaguely curious but little more than that.

I did too.

But we hear stories of people that live in places here they might be beaten up for being trans.

Remember these forums serve a very diverse community.

[JoanneB]

Interesting topic..... On many levels

I know all too well the pain of being "Clocked" and laughed at. Women/girls are the worse at being open about it as well as the hurt when they are. Guys, amazingly are not as much in your face about it (sober and small groups). ( My hypothesis is guys know what the result of a conflict (physical) means, most women do not ).

I also know a little of the pain Cis-Women feel "When Clocked". A very good female friend of mine went through this a lot. At 6ft tall, Not a stick figure but far from... svelte. and very andro, she was an easy target. Hair down to her but and a good full C  did not matter. She was not "Girlie-Girl", so likely "One of 'Those'. Her general attitude was "They're A-Holes". Knowing her as I did, she really did feel it was their problem, not hers.

Words, Looks, and other non-verbal Cues, only have power that you grant them. Something I did not know, much less could possibly believe back in my early 20's when I twice experimented with transitioning and stopped, because of looks and laughs.