Quote from: Violet Bloom on June 28, 2015, 04:49:45 PM
I wonder if the issue you noted with transmen is that they might not feel 'real' enough if they can't 'manage' to date a cis person. In a way I sort of feel the same about wanting to date cis women - it would feel like complete acceptance and validation of my identity rather than some sort of compromise. That sounds bad, and I don't mean to put down anyone trans obviously since I am one, but I'm just not that keen on dating trans people either (I've not completely ruled it out).
I'm willing to bet the same goes for cis lesbians - that dating another cis lesbian feels like the only route to full social acceptance in their circles and to validating their identity. Certainly there are a lot of lesbians in my city that are militantly anti-trans because they believe transwomen undermine the validity of cis lesbians, so I can understand where this sentiment in the community as a whole sprouts from.
If things don't ever work out for me as a non-op attempting to date lesbians then I'm certainly open to bi/queer women instead. What concerns me is that bi and queer women have so many options open to them that it gives them far too many excuses to dump me. I'm also seriously disinterested in the thought of anyone seeing anything male in me and being attracted for that reason or actually expecting to interact with my penis in any way that makes me feel male. (I'd prefer not to use it at all.) Prior to coming out (but late in transition) I met a queer woman who was attracted to me because I was a "beautiful boy" in her words. This is hardly the sort of situation I want to end up in because it runs completely counter to my identity. One way or another I want to be viewed and interacted with purely as a woman.
You might have several good points there... although personally speaking I don't really feel the need for any validation, nor indeed do I ask anyone to see me as anything in particular, I basically say take me as you find me.
I suppose being bi I do have more options, but its a fallacy to say that I am more likely to dump on someone because I'm bi. Bi is not the same thing as poly-amory. Once I commit to someone I'm just as committed to them as anyone else would be. It's just that when I'm single I dont rule out 50% of the population based on what is or isnt between their legs.
When I've dated cis lesbians the bi issue has generally been a bigger leap than the trans issue, because as an originally very young transitioner, I generally blend in well, and so although am not secretive about my past, it isnt obvious to someone who doesnt know. Also of course it does help that I'm 3 decades postop and everything about me other than the SRS is absolutely natural, no silcone, no nips and tucks, so I guess that partly why I've never had problems with full social acceptance. I think most lesbians do regard a non-op transwoman as a bit problematic, because lets be honest for the non bisexuals of the human race, there is an element of genital discrimination...
Actually I did wonder whether it was because the transmen would be worried about the sexual aspects of the relationship and how I would see them. Actually thats not really an issue for me, because I take people as I find them, just as I expect them to do with me. I don't really have an agenda for a relationship, sex is very nice when it happens, but not essential.
My consultant psychiatrist colleague tells me its because I'm seen as an Alpha female and a lot of people are overawed by that. I find that quite amusing because I don't seek to be an Alpha, and I dont find myself that impressive, I suppose see all the holes which apparently others don't!
