Is the grass actually greener on the other side?

[Blush]

So I'm not sure if I'm just venting here or trying to provide some info for you all... and disclaimer, I could be completely wrong about this, so don't listen to me if I am! But here it goes!

I think as we transition so much of our focus is on physical success; whether it be passing, affording and getting surgeries, gaining acceptance with our families, friends, and the public. But at least personally, we may lose sight of "what then?" Maybe the grass is greener on the other side, but what is it really like over there?

For a couple years now I've been passing virtually without question - but what I've noticed is that I've been running into issues with attention, anxiety, apprehension, and objectivity.

I'm MtF, and as we see, more often than not women are beacons of people's attention; either for men to check out, women to see what they're wearing or how they stack up against you, or just because everyone for whatever reason automatically looks at a young blonde. The severity of this completely took me off guard. I sort of had an idea there may be something like this, but experiencing it first hand has been quite a rough time.

Before passing, I got the usual weird looks to figure out which gender I was, or before transitioning everyone figured me as another one of the boys. But now, when out and about it feels like people are watching me, which I've noticed they are, it feels like I'm a model in a store window, some toy. It makes a simple trip to the store, I know I'll be watched when I just want to pick up a few items. If I'm at a stop light the guy next to me is staring. Walking down the street I can feel people looking all over me.

Male privilege was real; people listened to my ideas, treated me like I could fend for myself, etc. Now experiencing female privilege it's almost the opposite in a lot of ways. I could be dumb though, who knows! Without a doubt I'm beyond happy to feel correct physically and would never be anywhere near the thought of detransitioning... but all this almost makes me feel like wow, is this really what I transitioned for?

We know there are many people who aren't yet at the point of passing, and we know what a struggle it is emotionally and physically until that day comes. But my point with this is to try to point out that for some people the struggling continues, if not gets worse.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Blush

I think you're taking a very negative view of your situation, and I'd ask if there is something else on your mind? 

Certainly we have to adapt to a completely different social role, and this can be more or less challenging for some.  However, if you are passing, and you do find that men look at you, you've scored all the goals that so many women on this site dream of reaching.  I'm just so grateful that I managed it all - I can jump for joy.  Sometimes I actually do!

In that sense, I'd strongly urge you not to create new obstacles to put in your way.  Men look - so what - it's what they do.  Men objectify women - we don't like it, but it's there and we can work on ways to sensitise them to behave differently.   Our professional ability is not held in as high regard as that of men.  Sister, it was in the fine print when we signed up for all of this, sadly.  I really don't like it, but frankly, I like being a woman much more.  And we can still fight for gender equality - the status quo can be changed. It's slow, but possible. 

Male privilege totally exists, but so does female privilege.  Enjoy yours.  It took me 45 years to get to mine.  Don't waste yours.

Hugs
Julia

[Ms Grace]

Different paddock - same grass, same colour!

I went into this eyes wide open, knowing that I had privilege as a male and that women generally always got the short straw when it came to just about everything, including personal safety and employment prospects. Even so I've been surprised by some of the crap I've experienced and that's only the tip of the iceberg. I've never subscribed to "grass is greenerism" it's a quick path to disappointment - but once you chose your paddock try to make the best of what grass is there! As the other saying goes... make hay while the sun shines!

[Wild Flower]

Male priviledge be damned. Im 5'6, average looking male *currently*, and yes I get listened to but at first impressions people go to the tall guy with glasses for technical support. If hes not around, theyll only go to me if they are young and get intimidated easily by my crew. Im not intimidating so that helps... I guess.

But really, i dont feel male priviledge. I feel lack of female priviledge. 

I feel semi white priviledge though **but I work in an all black company... its pretty mute... i feel people make me appar racidt when Im not... till they know me**.

I once felt ginger priviledge.... oh my god, people thought it was okay to  flirt with me and catcall me on the street as that ginger....

[awilliams1701]

I've only been out at work since august, but so far I haven't been treated any differently. I'm fairly well respected by the people I work with. That might have something to do with it.

[Lady Smith]

Yes it's good being a woman or I wouldn't be here tapping away at my keyboard now.  Being 60, - 61 next month, - I don't get looked at so much by men unless they are OAPs, but back when I was 40 and only just out of my 'use-by' date I still looked good enough to attract attention.  Men will look and they will wolf whistle and they will pass rude comments.  Having worked in the motor trade for some twenty years before finally letting my true self out I shouldn't be surprised as I know very well what men say about women, their wives, their girlfriends and any women in general.  It has suggested to me that I should write a book about my experience with working in strongly male dominated workplaces.  A friend at the time even suggested a title, 'The Secret Woman at the Smoko Table'.  (Aussies and us Kiwis know what 'smoko' is so apologies to those who have never heard the word before)

At first any transition is dominated by medical stuff and convincing doctors that you're genuine and can have HRT.  Whether you can pass or not.  Then there's all the stuff with friends and family and being accepted etc etc.  But let me tell you that as time goes on and you pass the ten year mark and then the twenty year mark all that stuff matters less and less.  Both my brothers hate me, but I've got over it, friends drifted off, but now I have new ones.  My medical file is nice and fat so there's no question about me being anything but a woman when I see my doctor.

Male privilege, - who needs it.  Having worked for over ten years in the 'helping professions' as a social worker it was all a girl's club anyway as it's women who tend to work in these areas.  As a man you're supposed to never cry, never ask for directions when driving, always take the lead, never admit to weakness, be a stud in bed, be stoic  etc etc; - I forget the rest, but all that stuff used to drive me dotty and I'm glad I don't have to worry about it anymore.  But from working for the adult mental health service I know very well that all too many young men commit suicide because they can't cope with feeling that they don't measure up as a man.

If a magic fairy turned up and said to me look you can go back to being a man, but without all the gender identity stuff worrying you anymore I'd say no.  I'm happy and content with my life as a women, I'm glad I did it and came out and I have no regrets.

[Hikari]

I would say in an objective sense the grass on this side is wilted and brown. Women simply have a Lower place in society than men do.

I would also have to say subjectivly that the grass is way greener on this side! I love being a woman, I like how I can use the attention I get to my advantage, I like how no one suspects me for doing bad things, I love the freedom I have to express how I feel. Sure, I might have lost male privilege, but I not only gained female privilege I also gained more or less satisfaction with who I am and that is something I never could have had on the other side.

[rachel89]

For many of us MTFs the grass may be greener on the male side, but there also happens to be rectangular pieces of marble or granite aligned in rows sticking out of that green grass. It doesn't really matter how green the grass is if you cannot really enjoy it.

[Rudy King]

IDK, I'll always be stock to the fence!
So far, I've been treated much better as a female.  I think I know why I wasn't bullied in school, though.  I looked like a trans-boy.  I think everyone thought I was a girl transitioning to male, except I was the clueless one.

So in reality, I'm more transitioning to female.

[JoanneB]

Screw Greener

Which grass is tastier? Which grass totally turns you on?  Which grass makes you puke?

Grass is grass, Life is life. Nothing is perfect. Life will never be all that you want it to be. The decision to transition is one based (I hope) on making it better overall. Even if that is only limited to having life. No matter what sort of life you lead, it will be built upon a foundation of compromises. Not all being perfect or even close to ideal

[ana1111]

"or just because everyone for whatever reason automatically looks at a young blonde"
maybe that's why I still get looked at occasionally... I always assume there trying to clock me though...

[Kristyn74]

Grass is always greener on the other side but just as hard to mow! 

[Julia-Madrid]

Ms Blush, our OP, appears to have disappeared...

Conclusions so far:  silver linings, with some clouds attached.  You can go singing in the rain (and watch the grass grow greener) or you can moan about getting wet.   

xxx
J

[Jen72]

Julia your response about singing in the rain etc is an interesting response. First off still just in start mode if you will but I guess my dirty mind if you read it that way:) Nice double meaning hehe.  But do know what you intended or think lol its accepting that no matter what there are pro and cons whatever side of the fence your on. I think myself I would rather be wet then just existing on the other side:)

[ReDucks]

Welcome to the wrong end of the microscope, Blush! ... Be grateful it isn't a magnifying glass and the sun isn't beating down through it!   Remember the old saying, wherever you go - there you are.  Transition is such a big mountain that it is easy to see reaching the peak as the end, but really it's just the beginning of the rest of your life.  There are more mountains behind this one.  Finding the right job / career, starting a family even if it is only of 2, buying a home, dealing with getting older and retirement, and on and on.  A lot of us get to our final milepost on the mountain and say is this as good as it gets? What's next?  The rush of the climb fades and the view from the top is one from behind your eyes... nobody else is there to share it with.  It's time to move on.

The most important mountain to tackle next is finding you.  Getting deep into who you are, what kind of human you are.  Where are your strengths, how to build on them.  Where are your weaknesses, how to build them up or avoid being trapped by them. What are your hopes and dreams now?  What kind of friend am I?  What do I want to leave behind?  When you think you know (and no plan survives first contact with reality) gather yourself and start putting one foot in front of the other.  The journey is the reward

[Julia-Madrid]

Julia your response about singing in the rain etc is an interesting response. First off still just in start mode if you will but I guess my dirty mind if you read it that way:) Nice double meaning hehe.  But do know what you intended or think lol its accepting that no matter what there are pro and cons whatever side of the fence your on. I think myself I would rather be wet then just existing on the other side:)

Hi Jen

You're absolutely right!    Those of us here have needed to take a difficult journey, but it's a question of making the best of it, learning from it, and being so grateful for living in a time and place where it's possible to be who we are. 

xxx
Julia

[Eva]

Meh... I really hope I can find another man to cut my grass this year I hate my damn lawn tractor

[Eva Marie]

I think Ms. Grace has something with the paddock concept - both paddocks have grass, but on one side it's, say, Tiff Bermuda and on the other side it's St. Augustine. Both are very nice grass but each kind has different care and feeding requirements, and both kinds have advantages and disadvantages and situations where they can be used and not used.

If you go into transition thinking that it is going to solve all of your problems then you are going to be disappointed once you have switched paddocks. What transition does is remove the elements that are causing you distress in one paddock so that you can live your life in the other one.

I will agree with the others - getting attention is part of the package - welcome to being a woman! As an older transitioner I don't seem to have as much of an issue with this as the young, cute transitioners but it still happens from time to time.

Male privilege? As a beta male I never had much of it anyway - I much prefer female privilege. Male privilege is like a big hammer that guys swing indiscriminately, while female privilege is much more subtle and refined and doesn't require force to use. I got to experience my female privilege recently on a car trip when I had a flat and I had lots of offers of help from various guys 

[LizMarie]

For many of us MTFs the grass may be greener on the male side, but there also happens to be rectangular pieces of marble or granite aligned in rows sticking out of that green grass. It doesn't really matter how green the grass is if you cannot really enjoy it.

I agree, Rachel! Rows upon rows of marble and granite in, at best, a mere existence, and at worst, well, let's not go there.

On this side, the grass is green. Greener? I don't know. But I walk barefoot in this grass. I notice the smell of rain in the morning, and I'm thankful for the sunshine on this grass.


As for lawns and mowing, let's not get too hung up on mowing the lawn, ladies.

[antonia]

Personally I feel the grass is equally green on both sides but different, the other side was all prickly and rough but the grass here is soft and smooth.

Male privilege is real but in my experience as a woman I'm totally able to get the same respect as long as I'm willing to be one of the iron ladies. Being an iron lady means that the guys stop seeing you as a girl or a sexual object and you know they will talk about you as a "ball buster" or a "bitch" behind your back but that's the way they talk about the other guys.

I wish that's not the way the world worked but if you look at successful women this is usually the case, if you want to play their game you have to obey their rules, you can't have both male and female privilege at the same time from the same group.