These exact thoughts have been the reason Ive waited so long to transition. My entire life Ive always known I wanted to be male. Ive thought about it constantly from as far back as I can remember. For me, Im the type of person who feels like they need to put other people first. Everything I do in my life is to make other people happy. I cant stand to let people down. Because of this,Ive presented as female for so long,trying to believe that it would be ok, all to live up to the expectztions everyonehas for me. Trying to make it easier oneveryone else. Still, female pronounshurt me inside. Female clothes make me disgusted with myself. Girlie things makeme sick to my stomach.
I ended up trying to feminize with femzle hormones(from naturalherbs), as my body is naturally pretty andro ( I had the body of a thin, small guy, with small bcup boobs). I thought that if Iwasntgoing to transition to male, I could embrace being femLe. My body and brainboth feminized, but my soul did not. I eventually quit because I became so depressed from feeling female I spent every waking moment of every day trying to not kill myself. I realized gender is not a choice. The only choice you have iswhether or not youre true to yourself.
Even after realizing this, I made the mistakeagain to try to be femLe (for a relationship). I was doing it for someone else yet again, but now werethrough and Im ready to take control of my life. Im working on making 2015 the year I do things for myself. Everyone elze is second. Im still struggling with the idea of changing my entire life with one decision, but I feel like if I dont do this Illend up dead, and thenwhats the point?
There will always be doubts, fears, sleepless nights. But when you know youre doing whats best for you, you begin to feel stronger,and you can start to power through those thoughts. You need to dowhat you know is rright to become the person you deserve to be. Only trans people will be able to relate with you on the thoughts and feelings that you have thzt make you feel wrong in your natural body. Outsiders cannot relate, and therefore cant understand. A lot of people think it is a choice. They think its silly and unneccessary. But there is an entire site of people here that will tell you its not. Its not a warped way of thinking, its something that youabsolutely cannot change. It comes from the deepest part oc your being. Whether or not people around you can understand is irrelevant. Soeven inyour doubts, try not to dwell too much on people like your mother and them thinking you canbe "fixed". She could never understand. Just take her out of the equation completely and focus on thinking only about yourselc and how you feel about it.
No one can tellyou if you are or arent making the riht decision. But I hope that my personalexperience canshed somd light onthings, and hopefully deter other people frommaking the szme mistakes I did. Good luck ineveryhing. Its a tough road but I feel it will be well worth it.
Also, my apologies for my tablet typing. I know its anabsolute mess.
