Aight. Time to throw up all of these problems that have been plaguing me.

I've had doubts over the past three years, many doubts (i'm pre-T), but I've also had extremely strong feelings of this is right for me. The therapy my mom made me do for 6 months to "fix" me didn't change who I thought I was, being blamed for giving my mom cancer didn't sway me, and forcefully coming out to unsupportive parents didn't make me regret anything.

HOWEVER, I'm worried that I've been deluding myself for years even though I know for a FACT that presenting/looking like girl makes me extremely uncomfortable and restless and nervous, being called she, etc. Presenting as a man and wearing a binder just feels right to me, it makes me happy and comfortable in my skin–it doesn't sit uncomfortably in my stomach like being called she does or wearing a bra or a feminine clothes or any of those things.
But still. How come I still feel these doubts and fears that I'm just deluded? I see these theories about finger length and hormones in the womb and it makes me even more scared that I've been wrong just like my family is saying. I get worried that I just skewed my thinking of who I am for so long that it's just ingrained in my brain now.
But, I can't see myself ever going back to presenting as a girl and wearing girl clothes, it just isn't who I am as a person, but I still fear that several years down the line I'm going to regret transitioning.
These doubts come and go, but when they do hit they hit me HARD.
Ugh. Sorry for this massive shpiel. I just had to get this stuff off my chest that's been building up for a while.
Any thoughts or experiences with this anyone?

Freemason,
Welcome to Susan's family.
I always wonder how someone can blame someone else for giving them or someone another medical condition because you have a medical condition.
Sorry you where forced to being shoved into therapy with a un-professional person. Hippocratic oath, on hurt I shall not bring to others.
Please find your own therapist and find that way to happiness in your life. You are not broken, Your are not to blame. If anything you are going at life being discriminated and borderline hate crimes by other who treat you more then anything other then Human.
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Je suis un être humain,Popcorn?

Hugs

I have the same thing sometimes. Especially because I only admitted to myself that I was trans last year, and before then my mannerisms etc. were rather feminine. (I wrote a long post about this once before when doubt-ridden). But you seem to me to be a perfectly legitimate trans guy, for the simple reason that you know for a FACT that trying present as or be a girl makes you uncomfortable. It takes a huge amount of strength and courage to be yourself without support from people like your own family. You've done really well to have got through that therapy and still remained true to yourself. After all, if you weren't really trans it would have been so much easier to just go along with what your mother wants rather than resisting.
There's no definite way of knowing what you'll be in the future. But the above is something to keep in mind.

Quote from: freemason on March 25, 2015, 04:47:28 PM
But still. How come I still feel these doubts and fears that I'm just deluded? I see these theories about finger length and hormones in the womb and it makes me even more scared that I've been wrong just like my family is saying. I get worried that I just skewed my thinking of who I am for so long that it's just ingrained in my brain now.

Hi! Welcome to the forum.

Doubts in the pre-transition stages are extremely common for trans people, whether they're F2M or M2F or NB. And it's easy to understand why - we live in a cis normative society that barely acknowledges the existence of trans gender people let alone accepts us. You feel that something is wrong, that something isn't right, that if you could change yourself into a dude with a flick of a switch... and yet everyone around you is geared towards telling you you have to stay the way you are, all to suit them.

No one else can decide what gender you feel yourself to be except yourself. I hope you are discussing these feelings and concerns with a therapist. Having concerns and doubts are normal - transition is a massive step to take, chances are you may initially lose more than you gain but once you gain yourself it is (for many many people) worth it.

I deal with these every day.

"What if I AM just a butch lesbian?", etc.

Then I remind myself that I hate wearing makeup, always did; I hate wearing dresses, always did; hate sitting with my legs closed like a "lady," always did; it feels right when my friends call me male pronouns; and I can never seem to get my hair short enough.  I cringe each time people refer to me as my birth name or female pronouns.  I WANT to be called a male.  I WANT to have a male's body.  I've thought since I was a tiny child "I want to be a boy."  Another doubt I have is that I'm not nearly as dysphoric as some.  I have my days, but mostly, I can tolerate my man boobs, etc. by pretending they aren't there.  Mind you, I want them removed someday, and I KNOW they're there, but I just will keep telling myself that they aren't until that glorious day when they aren't.  I also want facial hair.  Like, really badly.

Other people can't tell you who you are and who you can/will be.  Don't let anyone but yourself tell you that. 

I hear you.

I think about this a lot. The person in my head, my true self, has always been male (or at the very least "not-female"), but when I was growing up I tried everything I could to shoehorn myself into femininity. And it turns out I was a really good actor, a great mimic. I did it all--the dresses and the makeup and the purses and the kind of helpless inane flirting that lots of guys like.

I look back on all that now and worry, just like you do. "Am I trans enough", right? I don't know the solution to this, but what I try to do when I'm doubting myself is sit in the dark and just close my eyes and be with the "me" that's in my head. Really feel that "me." And that helps.

Take care of yourself.

I don't know if you could escape all feelings of doubt after being treated the way you have. The fact that you continued to feel that transitioning was the right thing regardless of all the blame and guilt layed at your doorstep should tell you something. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Unfortunately, when people are desperate enough to stop another person for doing something they really disagree with, they sometimes do turn to laying blame on the person or trying to  "fix" them. Its a last ditch effort. We all know how powerful guilt can be when its used to stop a behavior.

What you decide and feel right with is the path you should follow. The only one who is going to have to live in your body is you, and its going to be a lifetime thing. Perhaps once your family sees how powerful your feelings are, they will come to understand why you are doing what you are. I don't suppose they would be willing to seek counselling to learn how to support you?

sam1234

it really really helps hearing encouraging words coming from someone else instead of from my own head since i rarely ever hear such words come from a person.
thank you everyone i needed those kind words

Niddling (not a word I think but I know what I mean, hope others do   ) and nagging doubts are normal, I would take serious doubts (not doubts re: "passing", how am I going to get by as male, etc.) are normal and should be listened to. I agree therapy is helpful.

--Jay

These exact thoughts have been the reason Ive waited so long to transition. My entire life Ive always known I wanted to be male. Ive thought about it constantly from as far back as I can remember. For me, Im the type of person who feels like they need to put other people first. Everything I do in my life is to make other people happy. I cant stand to let people down. Because of this,Ive presented as female for so long,trying to believe that it would be ok, all to live up to the expectztions everyonehas for me. Trying to make it easier oneveryone else. Still, female pronounshurt me inside. Female clothes make me disgusted with myself. Girlie things makeme sick to my stomach.

I ended up trying to feminize with femzle hormones(from naturalherbs), as my body is naturally pretty andro ( I had the body of a thin, small guy, with small bcup boobs). I thought that if Iwasntgoing to transition to male, I could embrace being femLe. My body and brainboth feminized, but my soul did not. I eventually quit because I became so depressed from feeling female I spent every waking moment of every day trying to not kill myself. I realized gender is not a choice. The only choice you have iswhether or not youre true to yourself.

Even after realizing this, I made the mistakeagain to try to be femLe (for a relationship). I was doing it for someone else yet again, but now werethrough and Im ready to take control of my life. Im working on making 2015 the year I do things for myself. Everyone elze is second. Im still struggling with the idea of changing my entire life with one decision, but I feel like if I dont do this Illend up dead, and thenwhats the point?

There will always be doubts, fears, sleepless nights. But when you know youre doing whats best for you, you begin to feel stronger,and you can start to power through those thoughts. You need to dowhat you know is rright to become the person you deserve to be. Only trans people will be able to relate with you on the thoughts and feelings that you have thzt make you feel wrong in your natural body. Outsiders cannot relate, and therefore cant understand. A lot of people think it is a choice. They think its silly and unneccessary. But there is an entire site of people here that will tell you its not. Its not a warped way of thinking, its something that youabsolutely cannot change. It comes from the deepest part oc your being. Whether or not people around you can understand is irrelevant. Soeven inyour doubts, try not to dwell too much on people like your mother and them thinking you canbe "fixed". She could never understand. Just take her out of the equation completely and focus on thinking only about yourselc and how you feel about it.

No one can tellyou if you are or arent making the riht decision. But I hope that my personalexperience canshed somd light onthings, and hopefully deter other people frommaking the szme mistakes I did. Good luck ineveryhing. Its a tough road but I feel it will be well worth it.

Also, my apologies for my tablet typing. I know its anabsolute mess.

In the end, the only one who can answer that is you. Sometimes it just feels right. Trying to analyze the reasons why you are the way you are probably won't get you very far because no one really knows for sure. I didn't know transgenders were real until I was in my twenties, but even in elementary school I would refuse to be in a play if I couldn't play a male part. I quite orchestra because concerts meant wearing a dress in high school. Comments like "doesn't she know she is a girl" or "here comes the quarterback" were more compliments than insults though i would never admit it at the time.

There were times when I thought that the rape by the babysitter when I was six might have made me this way, or that I had two brothers, but those never last. The first time I heard that transgenders were a real thing and not just a bad insult, it just felt right, and I've not looked back since then. The answers as to why I'm like this or why anyone is like they are are probably years away. The point is to get as much quality life as you can while you are on this earth. Go with your heart, not what other people think you should be.

sam1234