I'm in the super early stages of transition, in fact I'm not sure if I should consider it transition just yet. I feel it's hard to explain my situation without a little background so I'm sorry if this a bit long winded or echo's my other posts.
I've more or less spent the past 12 years of my life as a home body, I worked on and off as best I could (my social anxiety was beyond crippling) but for the most part I retreated into the online world after high school. While I did find myself there and it was a eye opening and freeing experience it was also a devastating experience. Trying to live one life online while thinking (for 12 years) I would never get the chance to be who I felt I should have been all along in real life. It was so self destructive emotionally/mentally that I got to the point this last year that -Possible trigger beyond- I had thoughts of suicide at least once a day. I never tried to end it because I didn't want to cause anymore pain for what little family I had left.(Three grand parents passed before I was 25, then my mother when I was 25, my last grandmother months after my mom, and my half-brother about 4 months ago.)
In August my father was told he had liver cancer and there was really no chance of beating it. That was a big hit to my resolve to keep on living. He had despite his close minded ways been an anchor for me and as his time in this world was nearing its end I hit the point where I snapped and I knew I had two choices, end it or change into a me that had a reason of my own to keep moving forward.
One of the first things I did was come out to those around me who were important. They support me though my sister does have a few concerns, understandably. Aside from that and starting to exercise/eat healthy I haven't made much progress. Further steps are going to have to wait until I find employment again. That has for the moment left me with a lot of time to think...and it seems worry. I never thought that it might be as Cindy said, letting a "Genie" out of her bottle but it very much is like that.
I do feel somewhat vain in that I am not comfortable with the idea of presenting as my true self just yet IRL. There are so many things about myself that I want to change before even attempting it in front of anyone else. In the past I've dressed and always thrown the items in the trash thanks to feelings of shame, anger at my lot in life, or due to just hating that I didn't look like a woman in the clothes. My day-to-day since making the decision to pursue transition has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. Worries that despite my sister saying she supports me that her religious views may end up costing me that support. Though I have to admit it's more likely I'm just projecting my pessimism on to her. Worries about finding employment that will be accepting even of simple things like my growing my hair out, worries that despite the fact I have always been in great health that somehow blood work will find something that blocks me from transition...and then what? So yes even now the struggle is real but I've made my choice and will see it through to the end, come hell or high water as the saying goes. =)
