I have slowly began coming out to friends and family as transgender since December and so far it has gone pretty well. However, the thing I'm really struggling with right now is not living as my true authentic self full time. 

Has anyone else struggled with this after you began to start coming out with people? What I'm finding really hard to wrap my head around is why it's so much harder now? I was able to suppress these feelings for so long, so why now is it more difficult?

My thoughts are now that I've accepted who I really am and knowing how happy/confident I feel when I'm myself it makes it that much harder to put that part of me away now during the work week (haven't came out at work yet, not quite ready for that).  I just look at myself in the mirror and say to myself, "time to dress as a boy for the day." I'm hoping in the next couple months to come out at work but I'll know when the time is right (sooner than later).

Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with this and maybe I can gather some useful tips and insight from you all.

Thanks a bunch,
Kylie [emoji182]

Once the Genie is out of the bottle there is no putting her back!

I went FT within days of coming out at work and in life, the weekend later I got rid of all of 'his' clothes. No going back for me!

I think also when you are on HRT your mindset changes so much you just can't relate to the old you.

You've removed some of the barriers, that's why. Your in a position where you've accepted yourself and transition is not just a possibility anymore, so you are bound to want to get started and move forwards with your life. I felt the same way, coming out to everybody was like a massive weight lifting off my shoulders. I found in that in between stage just getting a plan together, doing lots of research, building a bigger wardrobe etc all helped a bit.

Good luck! 

Yep, once you've accepted who you are it gets much harder to keep yourself stuffed away inside the gender that you are not. It can be quite difficult at times. Knowing what your plan with transition helps, having goals and moving forward and getting professional support is very important.

Kylie, I can relate. I lived the first 50 years of my life OK with the fact that I couldn't be a woman no matter how much I wanted to. Then I found out I could transition, and the next year became the longest year of my life.

Better days are ahead. Keep your eyes on the prize.

I'm doing much the same as you, Kylie. Seven months into HRT and twice the resident at my endo's office has expressed surprise that I came in as a man. I have obligations. I can't just go full time right now if I want any hope of saving my marriage. But it does sneak up on you. My breasts are growing, my shape is changing and my skin keeps getting softer just when I'm sure it isn't possible. Before long androgynous won't be a choice. However, Sweetie is adjusting, a little at a time. I have hope of having it all, but, oh, it is SO hard not to rush forward! Each success makes me eager for the next. This week I started wearing a bra full time. I had to. I finally figured out my hair, it looks good. On the plus side I don't have the "man in a dress" worries. Each step is necessary when I take it, and each is for me!

Kylie

I'm very much in the same boat as you. I came out to a lot of people within the last 6 months, and I have all the same anxiety that i had prior to coming out.  Like you I'm still not really "out" at work, so I have to play the part still. Whats really tough is now that I've completely accepted myself, its super painful to be referred to as my male name and male pronouns, and at work i can't do anything about it right now.

But yeah its very tough once you've made peace with ourself, but yet you feel like you still have to put on a facade for a large number of people. The problem with work is, if you are full time employee, we spend most of our waking time "at WORK", so if we can't be our true selfs there, thats a tough situation to be in. I know because thats where I'm at right now.

There are a number of different reasons why I'm taking my time though. My facial hair removal is painfully slow and stubborn. Growing out my hair takes long time!, and I want to allow myself a good chunk of time on HRT before really thinking about "full time". But this slow process is taking a huge toll on my nerves and patience. I'm barely able to cope and get by.

good luck to you!

for me, i am still in this point in time as well, but i know how you feel. 

my parents still think i'm a normal guy, but iv already told them and they still think is a joke.


good luck

hugs

Ash

I too am in the earliest stages of transition. I'm waiting for an email apoving me for hrt due today. I reached self appetence about a month and a half ago. By a couple weeks in I was strugling to keep wearing men's clothing. Then I reached out for help and began the path to hrt. Then I came out to my friends and family. By that point I was still wearing some men's clothing at work and being treated as the false me. I couldn't take it and came out. I am lucky in that I don't work every day some months and in those periods I am mostly by myself. But in a week I will be working 6-7 day weeks for the month of April in team based work. I'm so happy that everyone knows about me now and that they are behind me. I just couldn't wait for the lie to be over! So yes, I am having to do the "andro/guy in a dress" stage. But to me that is preferable to being a guy. And to be honest everyone who does my job wears t shirts and pants. But the little differences are of the biggest help right now. All I can do until hrt starts and until I have the cash to start hair removal is wear what makes me comfortable and to ask those who know me to start the slow process of changing pronouns and the name they call me. But my work and social situations are unique to me, as is my process. I just didn't want to start rumors I prefer to answer questions. And someone was bound to say something, I work with some very mouthy people. The day I came out at work, just hours prior, one of the curators pointed out that my hair was grown out and how strange that was for her to see. I just had to come out, for me the closet door closed back in February. I have now locked that door and lost the key. I don't even know how to get back to it any more, I lost the map. Whether this was a good set of decisions or not, there is no going back and at least at this point I am very happy with my choices!

I'm in the super early stages of transition, in fact I'm not sure if I should consider it transition just yet. I feel it's hard to explain my situation without a little background so I'm sorry if this a bit long winded or echo's my other posts.

I've more or less spent the past 12 years of my life as a home body, I worked on and off as best I could (my social anxiety was beyond crippling) but for the most part I retreated into the online world after high school. While I did find myself there and it was a eye opening and freeing experience it was also a devastating experience. Trying to live one life online while thinking (for 12 years) I would never get the chance to be who I felt I should have been all along in real life. It was so self destructive emotionally/mentally that I got to the point this last year that -Possible trigger beyond- I had thoughts of suicide at least once a day. I never tried to end it because I didn't want to cause anymore pain for what little family I had left.(Three grand parents passed before I was 25, then my mother when I was 25, my last grandmother months after my mom, and my half-brother about 4 months ago.)

In August my father was told he had liver cancer and there was really no chance of beating it. That was a big hit to my resolve to keep on living. He had despite his close minded ways been an anchor for me and as his time in this world was nearing its end I hit the point where I snapped and I knew I had two choices, end it or change into a me that had a reason of my own to keep moving forward.

One of the first things I did was come out to those around me who were important. They support me though my sister does have a few concerns, understandably. Aside from that and starting to exercise/eat healthy I haven't made much progress. Further steps are going to have to wait until I find employment again. That has for the moment left me with a lot of time to think...and it seems worry. I never thought that it might be as Cindy said, letting a "Genie" out of her bottle but it very much is like that.

I do feel somewhat vain in that I am not comfortable with the idea of presenting as my true self just yet IRL. There are so many things about myself that I want to change before even attempting it in front of anyone else. In the past I've dressed and always thrown the items in the trash thanks to feelings of shame, anger at my lot in life, or due to just hating that I didn't look like a woman in the clothes. My day-to-day since making the decision to pursue transition has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. Worries that despite my sister saying she supports me that her religious views may end up costing me that support. Though I have to admit it's more likely I'm just projecting my pessimism on to her. Worries about finding employment that will be accepting even of simple things like my growing my hair out, worries that despite the fact I have always been in great health that somehow blood work will find something that blocks me from transition...and then what? So yes even now the struggle is real but I've made my choice and will see it through to the end, come hell or high water as the saying goes. =)

I've come out to a handful of people and I've almost come out to a few more as I finally came to self acceptance.

It used to just be my little secret, something I did at home hidden from every window and door normally in the dark so people wouldn't know I was even home, always worried that someone would knock on the door or some emergency would force me outside in my female attire. There was no real acceptance there and a lot of times I'd feel guilty after shaving my legs or painting my toes. That's what made it so easy to switch back to male mode. It was like a validation that I was normal or something.

But when I started telling people, it was because I knew who I was and it meant a lot to me that the people I cared about knew the real me. I started dressing all day every day. I'd purposely go outside into the world seeking validating that there was nothing to be afraid of. I'd cut the grass in girl mode when all the neighbors were outside to see it. That's when the nightmare began. That's when the tiniest little parts of my male self that still had to happen were enough to get the tears rolling and in some cases make me very angry. Even just having to answer a phone in male mode sets me off now and I have to do it every morning for work because I'm not out there yet. I'm on the verge or a do or die moment and I'm not even on hormones yet. It's killing me.

Quote from: Aubrey1day on March 27, 2015, 10:13:19 AM
In August my father was told he had liver cancer and there was really no chance of beating it. That was a big hit to my resolve to on keep living. He had despite his close minded ways been an anchor for me and as his time in this world was nearing it's end I hit the point where I snapped and I knew I had two choices, end it or change into a me that had a reason of my own to keep moving forward.

Something similar triggered in me yesterday and it caused me to spend the whole day crying. My closed minded father was in the hospital, but I wasn't crying about that. It was a sudden realization about how much relief I would feel without him in my life to always bring me down. Like I would finally have a chance to be myself without his prying eyes. I know it sounds horrible. I do love him because he's my father, but nobody has ever bullied me nearly as much as he has.

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 27, 2015, 08:26:02 PM
My closed minded father was in the hospital, but I wasn't crying about that. It was a sudden realization about how much relief I would feel without him in my life to always bring me down. Like I would finally have a chance to be myself without his prying eyes. I know it sounds horrible. I do love him because he's my father, but nobody has ever bullied me nearly as much as he has.

I at times had the same thoughts despite holding no real hate or ill will towards my father. I would in fact go on enduring his close minded rants and alcoholism fueled rage fits if that was and option. I realize that he was a product of his time and upbringing, even if that is not a reasonable excuse.

He was progressive in many ways just not in those that would have helped me. :\

Hi Kylie,

As you gain in agency and achieve successes in going through what was once impossible your identity gains in strength. Sooner or later you will outgrow your existing comfort level and look to gain more freedom. Once you start it is difficult to stop. I think I am starting to look forward, in a way, to future successes regardless of how uncomfortable I feel during the process.

I'm pretty much an open secret at this point I've told my closest friends and family and come out at work.  I've had my initial assessment with endo and been told my labs are all good so I should be able to start HRT April 16th.  Its tough sometimes but I'm still in boy mode all the time and will be for some months while I laser myself in the face and get some more clothing lined up. I try to keep myself busy and keep planning ahead, work on my voice, walk, etc.

Hi all,

I would love to respond to each one of you but life is getting crazy right now (all in good ways) and I'm about to kick off my crazy training regiment for marathons and ultra runs coming up here so I might not have time to visit with you all in the near future.

However, I wanted to say thank you all for sharing your stories/experiences and showing me that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I'm to the point where I'm ready to tell work but I want to get a few more things taken care of before I do so. The time is coming and it will be here before I know it.

Tonight is evening a big night because I'm going out shopping In my hometown as myself so one more step in the right direction. I can't wait to finally be all the time and know that when that day comes, there is no way someone is going to keep me from smiling and being happy about it.

Thanks for all the kind words,

Kylie [emoji177][emoji182]